Kathryn Ross - A Marriage On Paper

Dex raked a hand through his hair in frustration. He didn’t know what to say to her. His eyes moved gently over the pallor of her skin, the wide blue eyes. It was best to be totally honest, he supposed. ‘You know I care about you deeply, don’t you?’ He ran a caressing finger down over the side of her face, but she flinched away from him as if his words had been an insult. He dropped his hand. ‘I just don’t know if I want marriage—’

‘It’s all right, Dex.’ She cut across him crisply. ‘I told you I don’t expect you to marry me. I don’t think I want to get married.’

He frowned.

‘The days of people getting married for the sake of a baby are gone, aren’t they?’ Alicia stood up. She couldn’t think straight when she was so close to him. Her mind was telling her to be practical; her body was telling her something much more emotional. ‘We’re looking at the twenty-first century, not the Dark Ages.’

‘Well…yes.’

Was it relief she could hear in his voice, or perplexity? It was hard to tell what he was feeling. The dark features were so schooled and controlled now.

She went through to the kitchen to tighten the tap and stop the drip. It was more an excuse to turn away from him and collect her thoughts for a moment than anything else.

She had thought about the possible ways this conversation might go many times over this last week. Sometimes she had imagined Dex telling her he had fallen in love with her and asking her to marry him. It was a fantasy. She had always known that the reality was going to be painful.

Dex was also glad of a moment’s respite, a chance to gather his thoughts.

Since Peter’s visit to his office this morning, his well-ordered, almost phlegmatic life seemed to have been given a good shake. A few realisations had dawned on him, among them the fact that for some time now he had been deliberately avoiding any deep analysis of his feelings for Alicia. He had been content with the status quo—to remain as it was. He was comfortable around Alicia. He liked and respected her enormously. She was mature for her years, trustworthy, fun, spirited. Perhaps he had been taking her for granted, which wasn’t very admirable of him.

It was only when Peter had said she might be leaving that his mind had been jerked awake and he had been forced to look closely at the situation. He didn’t want her to leave, was appalled at the prospect. Then guilt had stolen in. Alicia was mature for her years, but that didn’t change the fact that she was young, her whole life stretching ahead. He had no right to object to her leaving. Not unless he wanted to make more of a commitment to her. And that was where his dilemma had brooded, and remained too complex to solve.

He cared deeply for Alicia, but as to anything more…he wasn’t sure. Love was something he didn’t want to speculate on. He didn’t know if he was capable of such depth of feeling again. Since Clare he had been so determined not to get too involved, had decided it was better to just play the field and have fun. Dedicate himself to his work. That was when he had decided that if Alicia said she was leaving he’d let her go.

It had been an incredibly hard decision to make, and deep down he had hoped that she wouldn’t really want to go.

Now he found out she was pregnant with his child. He didn’t know what to do. He wanted to protect her, be with her. But that spelt commitment, and that was the one thing he had told himself he didn’t want.

Alicia came back to face him. He noticed how straight she stood, how proudly she held her head.

‘Maybe I should just pack things up here, leave Queensland for a while and head for Sydney,’ she said suddenly. ‘I could model for a few months while I still have my figure, and a new start might be what I need. At least jobs will be plentiful in the city—’

‘Don’t be crazy.’ He cut across her, his voice forceful.

‘I’m not crazy.’ She glared at him. ‘I can manage very well on my own, you know.’

Maybe she could. He knew Alicia didn’t lack courage, or determination. His eyes darkened. The thought of her struggling on her own in a big city with his child made a sudden tightness grow in his chest. He pictured the baby going through different stages of development with no influence from a father. Or, worse, Alicia marrying someone else. Someone who would bring his child up. The very thought made him get up from the chair. ‘You are not on your own,’ he said firmly. ‘You’ve got me.’

Her eyebrows lifted ever so slightly at that.

‘We could live together.’

She looked surprised by the suggestion, nearly as surprised as he felt. The idea had flown into his mind from out of nowhere.

She was silent, her heart thumping against her ribs. The idea gave her a moment of pleasure.

‘The baby could take my name; we could put it on the birth certificate,’ Dex said, warming to the theme. The more he thought of it the more it seemed a practical answer.

She frowned. He would be happy for the baby to have his name, but not for her to have it. That hurt. She shook her head. ‘No.’ The word came out more vehemently than she’d intended.

‘At least think about it.’

‘I don’t have to think about it. I don’t like the idea. For one thing, I don’t want my child to have a different name from mine.’

‘Why?’ He sounded genuinely perplexed. ‘It happens a lot nowadays, and as you said yourself we are in modern times.’

‘A few moments ago you were urging me to follow my dream and go to Sydney. Now you’re telling me you want the baby to have your name. What next? After it’s born are you going to suggest waving goodbye to me and getting a nanny for my baby?’

‘That’s unfair, Alli. I wouldn’t do that. And anyway, I didn’t know you were pregnant a few moments ago.’

‘Do you like the idea of being a father?’ she asked him abruptly.

‘Yes,’ he answered without reservation, and that took him aback. He frowned. ‘Yes…I really do.’ He spoke with a kind of wonder that wasn’t lost on Alicia.

She was pleased by his reaction, yet saddened by it too. If only he had discovered such a depth of feeling for her.

Dex raked a hand through his hair and continued calmly. ‘But I’m not trying to manipulate the situation to get custody of my child—’

‘My child,’ Alicia corrected him quietly. ‘I will have sole custody, care and control.’

‘Hell, Alli, you’re talking as if we’re getting a divorce, and we’re not even married.’

She shrugged. ‘We may as well be honest about things. There’s no point in pretending.’

‘And living together and giving our child my name will be pretending, will it?’ He sounded annoyed now.

‘There’s nothing wrong with living together. But in our case it will be pretending to have feelings that we just don’t have for each other.’

He was grim-faced now.

She waited for a moment, to see if he would argue with her about that, but he didn’t. She swallowed on a sudden lump in her throat. She hoped she wasn’t going to cry. Her pride was dented enough as it was. ‘Well, now that we’ve examined our feelings for each other, and found them totally lacking in substance, perhaps it would be the right time to end our relationship.’ She took refuge behind a bright, flippant tone.

His expression changed to one of incredulity. ‘What kind of suggestion is that, when we’re going to be parents soon?’

‘It’s the kind of suggestion a woman makes when she doesn’t want to end up feeling used.’ Alicia smiled, a crooked, and uncertain smile. ‘Better to finish the intimate side of our relationship while we still respect each other and are good friends.’

‘We have been good friends, haven’t we?’ he reflected gently.