Stella Newman - The Happiness Recipe

‘So, Devron …’ I say, wondering how it’s possible that I’ll be paying two hundred pounds for this meal and I’ll still need to pop to M&S for a sandwich on my way back to the office, ‘this brief. Is the airtime still planned for the start of May?’ He nods.

‘OK: I’ll brief a creative team next week,’ I say. ‘That’ll mean shooting the ad after Easter and, and … and …’

‘And what?’

And the barman from last night’s just walked in.

‘And … yes …’ There he is, talking to my waiter, and now he’s turning and shit, yes, he’s looking this way. ‘And … yes … good, yes, Easter.’ Shit. ‘Easter.’

‘Yeah, shoot after Easter,’ says Devron. ‘Blah … blah … blah … timing plan,’ he carries on.

Oh God. The barman is totally staring at me, and now smiling. No, that’s not a smile, that’s a grin! He is grinning in a way that does not bode well.

‘Blah … blah … blue sky thinking … blah … blah … Nike ad …’ says Devron.

‘Absolutely, Devron,’ I say, nodding. Oh no! Now the barman’s scribbling something down … the bill!

‘Blah … blah … super-tight deadlines … share the process early …’

‘Yes, of course …’ I nod. Oh good grief no! He’s coming over. Get back behind the bar, this is not on!

He’s half way across the floor heading towards us. I’ve got to move. Right now.

‘Blah … blah … three weeks on Friday, yes?’ says Devron.

‘Sure, yes, whatever you want, back in a sec,’ I say, darting out from behind the table and heading speedily towards the toilets, head down.

Christ. Lucky escape. How long can I hide in here for? Too little time and the barman will still be lurking. Two and a half minutes? La-di-dah … Quick make-up check … Oooh, nice wall tiles in here, didn’t notice those last night. White rectangular subway tiles, very classic … Right, I think that’s about time.

I pull the bathroom door open to find the barman standing waiting for me, arms folded. He really is embarrassingly good looking: thick black hair and green eyes, with thick lashes. And that body! His black t-shirt stops at the perfect mid point of his arm, showing off perfect, not too large, but very defined, tanned biceps.

‘You again! I couldn’t believe it when I saw you in here!’ he says. Ditto.

‘Well … Sorry,’ I say, ‘but I have to get back to my table …’

‘Hang on a minute,’ he says. ‘I’m glad you’re here, there’s something I didn’t manage to give you guys last night, you ran out before I could get over to you!’

Hurry up and get this over with then.

‘Yep, sorry about that … just give it to me, I’ll sort it,’ I say, holding out my palm and turning slightly away so that Devron can’t see what’s going on.

‘Cool! I didn’t want to hand it over at the table, I thought it might not be appropriate,’ he says, handing me a little green paper umbrella. Ah, nice touch. Giving me the bill inside the umbrella, that’s a classy move. I look over to see if Devron’s watching but he’s otherwise occupied, knuckle-deep in my sundae.

‘Aren’t you going to open it?’ he says.

‘Bad luck opening an umbrella indoors,’ I say.

He smiles. ‘Go on, before you go back.’

I quickly open the little parasol, and sure enough, there’s a figure written down inside. Except there’s no pound sign. And no decimal point. And while the drinks here are expensive, they’re not that expensive. This number’s eleven digits long.

His phone number. Oh my goodness. This super-hot young barman is giving me his phone number. The game is not over yet! – I have still got it going on! I must stop being so hard on myself. Evidently I don’t look bedraggled at all. I look good. Better than good: Very Good. Sexxy. Hot enough to attract this chisel-jawed guy who looks quite like David Gandy. I don’t think anyone this handsome has chatted me up for years. Maybe I’m entering a pre-Mrs-Robinson stage of allure? A little firework of delight goes off inside me. I try not to show a reaction but I’m already grinning like an imbecile.

‘What’s her name?’ he says.

‘Susie,’ I say. ‘It’s Susie.’ Hang on. Her name? What? Whose name? Oh no.

‘Susie.’ He says it like a handshake. ‘Sorry if I was staring at you girls last night, I just think your mate’s properly beautiful. If it isn’t too cheesy, would you ask her to call me?’

I nod silently, trying to keep my smile up.

‘I’m Luke by the way. What’s your name?’

I feel a substantial part of my self curl up into a ball and start to howl, though I stay standing, one arm resting on the door frame, pretending not to be acutely embarrassed.

‘I’m also Susie actually.’ I say, realising that I’m about to pay the bill with my credit card, which clearly says Susie Rosen on it. ‘We’re both Susies.’

‘That’s funny,’ he says.

‘Isn’t it just,’ I say. ‘Ha! We’re like the Two Ronnies … you know, well actually she’s more a Sue-becka. Some people even call her … Becka … Subecka … her middle name’s Becka, that’s why … just to tell us apart …’

‘Subecka! Sounds Japanese! Well anyway, say hi from me.’

‘Will do, got to go!’ I say, heading back to Devron, who is arranging with the waiter for his two bottles of wine to be re-corked and put in a bag for him.

‘Bit young for you, wasn’t he?’ says Devron, as I sit back down. ‘It’s good ice cream, have some,’ he says, poking his spoon at my sundae glass.

‘I’m stuffed,’ I say.

‘Right: see Tom and Jeff end of the week and get scripts to me three weeks on Friday.’

‘That soon, Devron?’

I’m pretty sure the Amish can erect a wooden house in twenty-four hours. Apparently God created the Universe in seven days. But it takes our creative teams one month to write a few piddly scripts.

‘That timing’s too tight, Devron.’

‘You said it was OK a minute ago!’

I have zero recollection of agreeing to anything of the sort. And if I did it was only because I wasn’t listening to a word he was saying … OK, let me think: if I brief a team early next week I might manage it, if Robbie gives me one of the more amenable, mature creative teams. Maybe lovely old Andy Ashford.

‘Theoretically it’s possible …’ I say.

‘We’re good, right?’ he nods.

‘It does depend on the team’s availability and workload, I’ll do everything I can …’

‘You’re late on this project already.’

‘To be fair we haven’t had your brief yet. And we haven’t got a name for the range. And we haven’t seen the products either.’ So technically, Devron, I should be the one sitting across the table giving you a menacing look, not the other way round …

‘So that’s a yes then,’ he says nodding again. (Last year Devron spent a week on a ‘How to Influence People’ course. He spent five days glued to YouTube videos of Tony Blair and Obama. Now whenever he wants something unreasonable he nods like a plastic dog in a car. Horrifically, this technique seems to work.)

I nod back at him. ‘Yes, Devron,’ I say, ‘yes, that’s totally fine.’

I have a nasty feeling in my head, heart and guts, that I shouldn’t have just said that.

The first thing I do when I’m back at my desk is fill out my expenses – two hundred and forty quid with that second bottle of wine! Just once before I quit I’d like to do what Steve Pearson, Board Director on pessaries, does regularly: take the person I’m having an affair with out for lunch and bill it as a client lunch. (Sam – premier source of intel, as per usual.) I’d never actually fake my expenses; more to the point, there’s no one here I’d have an affair with. What am I even talking about? I would never have an affair full stop . Why can’t anybody ever leave anybody without another body to go to?