Nathan Filer - The Shock of the Fall

Then a really funny thing happened. Do you remember Steve? I only mentioned him that once. He was the one who gave me the teaching session on this computer. I said that I probably wouldn’t mention him again. Well, he came into the office next, and the girl turned to him and asked, really hesitantly, whether or not patients could look in the dictionary? That is how she said it too. She said ‘Um, um, is it appropriate for patients to borrow the dictionary Steven?’

And you’ll never guess what he did. He stepped past her, and in one move he threw the dictionary back through the air like a rugby pass, right into my hands. And at the same time he said, ‘What ya askin’ me for?’ He said it just like that. He said, ‘What ya askin’ me for?’

Then he turned to me and winked. But it wasn’t even a quiet wink, because he made a little clicking noise with his tongue as if to say, you and me kiddo, we’re in this together.

Do you know what I mean? I don’t know if I am explaining it very well. But you can see why it’s funny. It’s funny because the girl didn’t know whether or not I could even look in the dictionary. And then it was doubly funny because Steve made her look really stupid, by being all casual about it.

But the really funny thing. The thing that makes me laugh out loud. The really funny thing is that Steve made that little clicking noise with his tongue, and winked at me, as if to show that he was on my side or something. Except you’re not on my side, are you Steve? Because if you were on my side you just would have handed me the dictionary like a grown-up. Because if you make a big fucking gesture of it Steve, then it becomes a big fucking deal. But that is what these people do – the Steves of this world – they all try and make something out of nothing. And they all do it for themselves.

Simon had hypotonia. He also had microgenia, macroglossia, epicanthic folds, an atrial septal defect, and a beautiful smiling face that looked like the moon. I hate this fucking place.

Mum pulled open the quilt at the entrance and peered inside, ‘I’ve forgotten the password again.’

‘You can’t come in then.’

‘Will you tell me it one more time?’

‘Nope.’ I pulled the quilt back against the radiator, gripping it tightly with my fist.

‘Bully.’

‘I’m not a bully, I’ve told you once already.’

‘Super Mario?’

‘Close.’

‘Hmm. What’s his girlfriend called?’

‘Princess Peach.’

‘Ah, yes. That’s not it either, is it?’

‘Uh-uh. Actually, she isn’t Princess Peach in this game. And you’re getting warmer. Sort of.’

‘Cryptic clues, eh?’

‘What does cryptic mean?’

‘It means if you don’t tell me the password I’ll cry.’

I opened a small gap and watched as she made her pretend sad face, with bottom lip trembling. It was hard not to laugh.

‘Oh, charming. Here I am, pouring my heart out, and my own son and heir is smirking at me.’

‘I’m not smirking.’

‘What’s this then?’ Her arm crept in, through a gap I hadn’t noticed. She did that thing when you make a bird’s beak with your hand, pecking up my arm until she found my face. She propped up the corners of my mouth. ‘Ah-ha. I knew it!’

It’s good being a bit ill when you’re a kid, isn’t it?

It’s better if you go to a proper school, because then when you stay home for the day it’s a treat. If you have your lessons at home anyway, there isn’t anywhere to go. Unless you’re allowed to build your own den.

‘Okay,’ I said. ‘I’ll give you a clue.’

‘Go on then.’

‘I’m playing it right … now.’

I let the entrance fall open and quickly picked up my Game Boy Color. Mum tilted her head, squinting at the cartridge. ‘Donkey Kong!’

‘You may enter.’

It was really just the space between the back of the couch and the wall, but I stretched a quilt over the top, tucking it behind the radiator. It was nice to hide away in there, playing games or watching TV through the gap beside the curtains.

Mum crouched on all fours and crawled inside. ‘Show me how to play it then.’

‘Really?’

‘What, you don’t think mummies can?’

There wasn’t much room, but that made it better in a way. It was cosy. ‘Hold it like that, with your thumbs on the buttons. See him at the bottom?’

‘Uh-huh.’

‘He’s Mario. You need to make him climb to the top, without the barrels hitting you.’

‘What’s at the top?’

‘His girlfriend.’

‘Not the princess?’

‘She’s in other games. It’s started, you need to concentrate—’

When the first barrel hit her, she said it wasn’t fair because she was about to get good.

‘It’s still your go. You have more than one life. Shall I tell you when you need to jump?’

She didn’t answer.

‘Mum, shall I tell you when to jump?’

She kissed me on the cheek.

‘Yes please.’

I’m not a mind-reader. I can’t tell you what my mum was thinking. Sometimes I worry people might be able to place thoughts in my head, or take my thoughts away. But with Mum, there’s nothing.

‘You’re better than Dad.’

‘Really?’

‘He can’t get past Level One.’

My mum is made of angles, and sharp corners of bone. She isn’t great to cuddle. But she put a cushion on her lap for me to rest my head, and that was comfortable.

At lunchtime she made vegetable stew.

Usually we ate at the table, but this time we took our bowls into the den. I was starting to feel floppy and useless.

‘Try and eat up, sweetheart.’

‘It hurts to swallow.’

She looked in my throat and said my tonsils were still swollen, that she’d make a Lemsip after we’d eaten. She picked up my spoon, and fed me a mouthful, scooping a bit of spillage off my chin like you would for a baby. Then she said, ‘Why more than one life?’

‘What?’

‘In computer games. It doesn’t make sense, having lots of lives. It makes no sense at all.’

‘It’s just the way they are.’

She shook her head. ‘I’m being silly, aren’t I? Shall we play Snakes and Ladders next?’

I opened my mouth, and she fed me another spoonful. It wasn’t a plastic spoon or anything. It wasn’t for babies. It was a regular spoon.

He used to burst through the door, waiting at the foot of my bed all wide-eyed and unblinking. Some mornings I wasn’t in the mood so sent him away. I regret that now.

But mostly his enthusiasm was catching, so even if I was half asleep I’d get out of bed to load up the N64, and we’d sit on our beanbags playing Mario 64, arguing over whether Luigi could be unlocked as a character. Then at quarter to seven our dad would come through to tell us we should work hard at school today, and that he was off to earn a crust. That is the kind of thing my dad says. He says, earn a crust. I like it.

The other reason Dad used to come into my bedroom was so Simon and me could do this thing we used to do. What we’d do is listen out for him as he walked across the landing towards my bedroom door. He was easy to hear because he wore heavy steel-toe-capped boots, and because he wanted us to hear him. So he would walk deliberately heavy-footed, and usually say something loud and obvious to my mum like, ‘Bye bye then darling. I’m just going to say cheerio to the boys.’

As soon as we heard him say that, Simon and me would quickly hide behind the door, so when he looked in he wouldn’t be able to see us. He’d step inside pretending to be confused, saying something under his breath like, ‘Where have those boys got to?’

It was stupid really, because by this time Simon wouldn’t be able to stop from giggling. That didn’t matter though, because we all knew it was just pretend. And it was fun. The most fun thing was at this point Simon and me would leap out from behind the door, and wrestle Dad to the ground.