Lola Jaye - While You Were Dreaming

As usual, he made his way up on to the double-decker bus with his Oyster card, a part of him hoping to catch a glimpse of the girl he’d noticed just the other day.

He’d never really noticed her before. His head was normally glued to the back pages of Metro as he made his way to the stairs–a good tactic for blocking out the madness around him. But that day, he didn’t have a paper, and when he reached the stairs, he glanced up to notice a stunning girl with the plumpest lips he’d ever seen, smiling in his direction from the back of the bus. When he smiled back, she bent her head in embarrassment. He’d noticed her eyes too. Green. But not just any green. Totally ‘out there’ green. They were striking against her exotic complexion, and he could tell that she was curvy rather than skin and bones. She was dressed quirkily, a multicoloured hair band holding back her big unruly hair.

It was probably a good job she’d turned away, because suddenly any grain of confidence he might have had left dissipated and he slowly lifted himself up the stairs, away from the green-eyed girl. He wanted to kick himself, but he just didn’t have the courage to talk to her. She wouldn’t be interested in him. He was plain old Michael Johns who lived in a rented council flat on Dog Kennel Hill Estate and who hadn’t driven a car in a year. Women were supposed to love money, power, and confidence, yet Michael was all too aware that he possessed none of the above. But he did have bushy eyebrows though. And for reasons unknown to him, he’d never had much trouble attracting the ladies.

Take Jen.

Beautiful and sexy Jen. Lovely flowing hair and gorgeous shapely thighs you could die for. He’d met Jen outside Tesco’s where a large (large in the muscley sense) bloke seemed to be hassling her for her number. She was rolling her eyes and checking her watch as the man seemed to reel off a 101 reasons why she should hand over her phone number to him. Michael without even thinking blurted out a loud ‘Babe, there you are! Hurry up love, the kids are in the Merc causing major havoc!’ as he proffered his hand. She took his hand, a plastic smile on her face, perhaps not knowing if he indeed was going to be worse than the guy she was currently trying to get away from. But taking the chance on him nevertheless.

‘You saved me,’ she’d said that night as they had dinner and she joked about how their fictional car had been a Merc and not a Mondeo. They’d started out as friends but then one night things went beyond the realms of purely platonic. Part of Michael wished that their friendship has stayed at just that, especially when Jen started dropping hints that she was ready for a proper relationship. And for a while, he allowed his ego to sing at the thought of this beautiful girl wanting him, but soon fear began to take him over. Their ‘relationship’ could never go further anytime soon. For a start, what could he offer her?

Now, sitting on the bus, Michael decided to make a little detour into Camberwell and pay Jen a visit. Perhaps the green-eyed girl had stirred him up a bit because it was very rare for him to call Jen from work and say, ‘Can I come over, tonight?’ It was usually Jen calling him up and telling him how much she needed him.

He buzzed the intercom and, as always, Jen was ready and waiting at the door for him as soon as he reached the top of the communal staircase. But instead of appearing in the silky black and gold pyjamas she normally changed straight into as soon as she got home, she was still in her work clothes, a sharp-looking trouser-and-waistcoat combo.

‘Hi,’ she said. She smelt delicious. He reached over to kiss her, but she shifted her head slightly.

‘You look nice. And you smell good too. All peachy.’

‘Papaya, actually.’

Jen didn’t say much as she disappeared into the kitchen and emerged with two plates on which sat an ‘M&S special’, accompanied by a tub of hummus, even though she knew he hated the stuff.

Michael began to eat, feeling her eyes boring into him. It would have felt unnerving if he hadn’t been so hungry.

They hardly spoke during the meal, and no sooner had he finished his last mouthful than she reached over to clear his plate. He attempted to circle her waist with his hands but she removed them slowly.

‘We need to talk, Michael’

He shifted uncomfortably in his chair.

‘This is serious.’

She dragged her chair closer to his. ‘Where are we going?’ she asked, forcing him to make eye contact.

‘I’m not sure what you mean.’

‘You know what I mean.’

He knew all too well. They’d been here once before, yes, he remembered now–about a year ago.

‘You said six months.’

‘I know…’

‘That was two years ago, Michael.’

Two years? ‘Are you sure?’

‘I’m sure,’ she replied sharply. ‘I’ve known you for three years now.’

He hadn’t realized it had been that long.

‘“Just give me another six months or so to sort myself out,” you said. “Then we can be a couple.”’

Michael felt utterly and totally in a bind. At the time he was sure he’d meant it. Hoping to have improved his living/job/financial status somewhat, but, as that had yet to materialize, well…

‘Well?’ she folded her arms, and Michael swallowed. ‘I need to know we are going somewhere. That this…this relationship , if you can call it that, is leading us to something bigger…’

‘I just need time,’ he said.

‘Yeah, another few months,’ said Jen, clasping her arms even tighter.

‘What’s wrong with that?’

‘Because when is it ever going to be the right time? You seem to think we have all the time in the world! That when you decide you are ready, things will just snap into place!’

Sounded feasible to him.

‘I think I need to wake up and realize that I’m not it, am I?’ she said quietly, her voice trembling slightly. Michael hoped she wasn’t about to cry. He couldn’t handle that.

‘What aren’t you?’

‘I’m not The One. If I was, you wouldn’t need to make all these excuses, we’d just be together. It shouldn’t be this hard, Michael.’ She sighed heavily.

‘You know I don’t believe in all that “The One” stuff, Jen. Come on…’ He extended his arm in a warm gesture, but she just looked at him blankly.

‘Just think about what I’m saying, Michael.’

He looked at Jen and knew that if he began to explain, she just wouldn’t understand.

‘Michael, I am not getting any younger–neither of us are. And I’m sick of waiting. For some reason you seem to think we have all the time in the world. Newsflash: We don’t!’

‘Jen–’

‘I’m sick of you coming round here when you please, without a thought for me. I don’t even have a toothbrush at your flat! You don’t even like me coming over!’

Because, he wanted to reply, my flat could double up as a rubbish tip and I’d much rather you didn’t see it. Especially as you own your own flat, drive a decent car and buy your hair stuff from Self ridges! Whilst I don’t have anything to give you really. Nothing of value. Not at the moment anyway, but someday. Soon. Definitely.

Yes, when he got his act together, things would be different and only then would he begin to live the life he’d always craved–now he just had to tell Jen that, knowing that he’d probably sound like a commitment-phobe.

She continued. ‘And I’ve only met your family twice. Both times in the supermarket. By accident!’

‘Well it’s not as if we’re in a proper re–’

The expression on her face switched to frightened anguish…and so he shut up.

‘What did you say?’ Her eyes squinted and then widened just as quickly. ‘What am I doing?’ she said to herself with a hint of resolution.