Harriet Evans - Not Without You

‘Yes, I know,’ Mr Baxter said under his breath. ‘Still though—’

‘How old are you?’ Moss Fisher asked, almost uninterestedly.

‘I’m – I’m nearly twenty.’

He nodded. ‘Maybe it’s worth it,’ he said. He shrugged. ‘The hairline, too. It’s awful but they can change it. Do a screen test. I’m going, Joe. See ya tomorrow.’

Joe Baxter rose a hand in farewell as Moss Fisher walked away.

‘Don’t mind Moss,’ he said jovially. ‘He’s all business. A great guy, a great guy, isn’t he, Louis?’

‘Oh, yes,’ said Mr Featherstone. He stared at my hair in annoyance. I put my hand up to my brow, self-conscious.

Behind me, Mrs Featherstone had brought my velvet cape. With a quick flick of her wrist she twisted it up and around my shoulders, and I screamed, and she jumped. Mr Baxter was standing behind the cape. ‘Sorry,’ I said, clutching my hand to my heart, which was thumping ridiculously. ‘I didn’t see you, Mr … Mr …’ Suddenly I couldn’t remember his surname. I smiled in what I hoped was a charming, apologetic way.

‘It’s Baxter,’ he said, putting his watch into his pocket and offering me his arm. ‘Come, my dear. We’ll ride to Ciro’s together. I’d like to show you my Rolls-Royce. All the way from England. Louis, we’ll see you there?’

We left the party, and I remember it clearly now, to this day, how the waiter bowed and said, ‘Goodnight, Mr Baxter, congratulations on Eagles Fly North ,’ and Joe Baxter ignored him. I don’t think it was because he was a rude man. It was because he simply didn’t notice people like waiters. It was as if they were completely invisible to him. He could only see two things: stars and power.

‘Here we are,’ said Mr Baxter as we approached a powder-blue Rolls-Royce, waiting on the kerb for us. A driver jumped out and opened the door. I looked around for the Featherstones, but I couldn’t see them.

‘Oh …’ I said, and I must have sounded wary.

‘I’m sorry,’ said Mr Baxter, smoothing his hair over the top of his head again. ‘They’re getting a ride with Lenny.’ He looked around. ‘Would you feel more comfortable with them here too? Yes, you would.’ He signalled to the driver. ‘Go and find Mr Featherstone.’

‘It’s no problem, Mr Baxter,’ I said. ‘I just wanted to make sure they were coming too.’

‘Of course,’ he said. He held the door open. I climbed in and he followed me. ‘I don’t want to do the deal with you, now do I? Or are you telling me you have a head for figures too, as well as a figure that turns a man’s head?’

I laughed; I couldn’t help it, and I wondered what Clarissa would say if she heard him. But Clarissa was thousands of miles away, asleep. I knew tomorrow was Thursday, and she’d have vocal classes first thing in the morning. Making ridiculous vowel sounds, sitting cross-legged on the floor and pretending to be farm animals. That was what we’d done, the final class I’d taken, before I said goodbye to her, to my friends, and left them behind for ever.

The seats were huge, the butter-coloured leather soft, sewn with tiny powder-blue stitches that matched the outside paint. ‘What a beautiful car,’ I said politely, trying to sound normal. The two of us alone together in the back was rather strange.

Mr Baxter put his hands on his knees, and sat up straight, looking ahead. He muttered something under his breath. ‘Thank you, dear. Now tell me, where are you from in England?’

I answered, as I’d been told to by Mr Featherstone, ‘Warwickshire. Shakespeare country.’

‘Very good. Your father’s job?’

‘He’s a doctor,’ I said. ‘He’s a very good doctor.’ I don’t know why I said this. I ran my fingers along the polished walnut interior, tracing the clover-shaped whorls of the wood. We drove off slowly, and my stomach lurched. I was hungry, or nervous, I didn’t know which.

‘Any brothers or sisters?’

‘I had a sister. She died.’

He nodded, eyes still fixed straight ahead of him. ‘Sad. Anything else?’

The spot in the river where Rose drowned was next to a willow tree. The trunk was hollow and almost dead, but there were green tendrils creeping off it and eventually they might make another whole tree. When I was little I used to think she lived inside it, that she’d just come back one day. I’d play by the tree, and talk to it, until Mother said I wasn’t to any more. I said, ‘Anything else? I—’

‘Any stories we need to know, any secret marriages to unsuitable actor boyfriends, kids, anything that the fan magazines or the gossips can dig up on you?’

‘No,’ I said, shaking my head. It was so strange the way everyone in Hollywood wanted to know about the secret past lives I’d lived before I’d got here. I wasn’t twenty till November. I’d done nothing with my life, really. I’d never been abroad, unless you counted holidays in Scotland. ‘Nothing at all.’

‘Nothing at all? You’re not lying?’

‘No,’ I said. ‘I’m very dull, I’m afraid.’

Mr Baxter said something, to himself this time. He turned to me. ‘I would disagree, my dear,’ he said, and he moved across the seat towards me. He put his hand on my knee, then slid the palm up my thigh. I remembered again his clammy, hot skin.

The strange thing is I didn’t do anything. I was so surprised I sat there, bolt upright. He was such an odd man, with his black comb-over, his fat, unexpressive face, his strangely babyish expressions. I thought he must have made some kind of mistake. But then he reached out and, with the other hand, squeezed my breast, then stopped and made a snuffling noise. His fingers started scrabbling at the neckline of my dress, flickering under the velvet to try and worm their way towards my bare skin as all the time his other hand scratched at my underwear, under the skirt. I pushed him away, a short sharp action, and he fell back against the seat.

‘Mr Baxter!’ I said, thinking how high and stupid my voice sounded, and what a silly thing it was to say, like a heroine in a melodrama.

He was breathing heavily, and his eyes darted around, avoiding mine. He reached for me again, only this time his clammy, horrible hands were under my backside, and he pulled me further down so that I was half-lying with my head against the door, then he lifted my skirt and pushed it up over my hips. I screamed, in indignation more than anything else, but he put his hand over my mouth. I bit him, and I heard the snuffling noise again, as he started nibbling at my ear, my neck, my jaw, with slippery wet movements, and the sound he was making was like the jeering newspaper boy I scurried past outside Hampstead Heath tube every morning: heheheheheheh, heheheheheheh , only very soft.

‘Pretty girl, pretty girl,’ he said, in this soft, high-pitched tone. ‘You’re a very pretty girl. Now you lie still. The driver understands – he won’t stop till we’re finished.’ He smiled at me, a little impatiently. ‘Unzip the dress … unzip the dress …’ Again the snuffling noise, as he licked my ear, juddering against me in excitement. He slid his hands underneath me, undid the zip and pulled the beautiful velvet dress down my shoulders, and I struggled to free my arms. I could see the driver through the glass. Did he drive him around every day, while he did this? He didn’t move. His green cap, clipped hair. And I knew if I screamed he’d take no notice.

Joe Baxter pulled the dress further down, so it was ruched around my middle, the bottom half pulled up to my stomach. My neck felt as if it might snap. He pulled my breasts out of their brassiere, chuckling to himself, then buried his head between them, murmuring. Heheheheh. Heheheheh. It got faster and faster, and he started rocking against me. He took my hand and rubbed it up and down the front of his trousers. I could feel his hard penis. I knew that much, at least; my boyfriend at Central, Richard, and I would kiss for hours the week when I had the good bed in Hampstead, and I knew this was what happened to him after a while. But Richard was a vicar’s son, a sweet gangly boy from Yorkshire. It wasn’t like this with him, this undignified, frightening tussle, in which I didn’t know where I was or who I was.