Christopher Healy - The Hero’s Guide to Storming the Castle

“Oh, I couldn’t be happier,” Briar said, dripping with false sweetness. “But, Papa— May I call you Papa?”

“Of course, my dear,” said Gareth.

“Papa, I believe your inexcusably unclean entryway got my emerald slippers all dusty,” Briar said. “Could you be a dear and do something about it?” She lifted her foot slightly to show off an elegant shoe that seemed perfectly clean.

“Oh, well, um, we can’t have that, can we? I do apologize,” Gareth said, flustered. He raised his arm and motioned to a servant. “Footman, come here and—”

“Oh, Papa,” Briar said. “I don’t think I need to tell you how unique and valuable these slippers are. I couldn’t trust their cleaning to a mere footman.”

Gareth gulped. He looked over to Gertrude, who nodded vigorously. Gareth cleared his throat and bent down at Briar’s feet. He blew gently on her shoe. “There we go,” the king said. “All better.”

When he began to stand, Briar put her hand on his shoulder and pushed him back down. “Not quite, Papa,” she said. “They’re still covered in dust.”

King Gareth blew harder and harder at Briar’s emerald slippers; his cheeks inflating like a puffer fish and his thick mustache flapping like a flag in the wind. Queen Gertrude, feeling panicky, crouched down next to her husband and began working on the other shoe, scrubbing at it with the lace cuffs of her gown. Briar grinned.

Liam, who’d been sulking far behind Briar on their journey from Avondell, finally entered the palace hall and saw his parents on their knees, polishing the princess’s shoes.

“You two are pathetic,” he said.

The king and queen quickly stood and smoothed out their clothing as Liam approached them.

“Son, it’s so lovely to see you back home again,” Gareth said.

“We’re so happy you finally came to the right decision regarding this marriage,” Gertrude added. She touched her hand to Liam’s cheek, but he brushed it away.

He leaned over and whispered into his father’s ear, “I know what you did, Father. All those years ago. With the actors whom you left rotting in prison.”

“Humph,” Gareth grunted and whispered back, “I don’t see those two walking around free, so I guess you were smart enough to keep it to yourself.”

“You’re despicable,” Liam hissed.

“I guess it’s hereditary,” the king spat back. And he returned his attention to Briar Rose. “Come, my dear,” he said. “There is so much to show you. This vase back here, for instance, was imported from the treasury in Kom-Pai. It’s over two thousand years old and—”

“Yeah, whatever, I don’t care about that,” Briar said. She walked away from the king. “Where’s your treasure room?”

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