Christopher Healy - The Hero’s Guide to Storming the Castle

For Noelle

Title Page

Dedication

Map of the Thirteen Kingdoms

Prologue: Things You Don’t Know About Heroes

PART I: CRASHING THE WEDDING

1. A Hero Has Narrow Feet

2. A Hero Is a Carnivore

3. A Hero Doesn’t Remember What He Did That Was So Special

4. A Hero Doesn’t Appreciate Good Comedy

5. A Hero Cries at Weddings

6. A Hero Has a Fancy Closet

PART II: UNCOVERING THE PLOT

7. A Hero Has No Idea What’s Going On

8. The Villain Redecorates

9. A Hero Makes It Up as He Goes Along

10. A Hero Takes No for an Answer

11. A Hero Is Grossed Out by Sticky Floors

12. A Hero Has No Sense of Direction

13. The Villain Feeds the Fish

14. A Hero Starts New Traditions

15. A Hero Has a Ball

16. A Hero Forgets the Lyrics

17. The Villain Just Wants to Have Fun

18. A Hero Has Friends in High Places

PART III: STORMING THE CASTLE

19. The Villain Pulls the Strings

20. A Hero Acts Like a Clown

21. A Hero Gets Dumped

22. A Hero Hates Seafood

23. A Hero Knows How to Count

24. A Hero Smells a Rat

25. The Villain Gives Two Thumbs-Down

26. A Hero Tells It Like It Is

27. A Hero Invites the Villain to Drop In

28. The Villain Wins

29. A Hero Doesn’t Know Where to Go Next

29 1/2. The Villain Sheds a Tear

Acknowledgments

Back Ad

Copyright

About the Publisher

true hero plays the flute.

A true hero always carries an eyebrow comb.

A true hero smells faintly of melon.

Are any of these things true? It depends on the hero you’re talking about, of course. But you can find all these definitions of “hero”—and many more—in the how-to-be-a-hero instruction manual being written by one Prince Duncan of the kingdom of Sylvaria. Duncan’s original title for his book had been The Hero’s Guide to Saving Your Kingdom, but he decided that was too specific. So he changed it to The Hero’s Guide to Everything in the Whole World. But that had kind of the opposite problem. He eventually settled on The Hero’s Guide to Being a Hero.

Now, you may be asking yourself, Who is this Prince Duncan, and what makes him such an expert on heroes? To which I will respond by saying that perhaps you may have skipped a book on your way to this one. You should probably check on that.

But even if you know who Prince Duncan is, you may still be asking yourself, What makes him such an expert on heroes? And that is a very good question. Duncan is a former Prince Charming, sure; but he is barely more than five feet tall, gets distracted by squirrels, and has a tendency to walk into walls. Does that say “hero” to you? Not that any of Duncan’s colleagues in the League of Princes would necessarily fit your definition of “hero” either: Prince Gustav has anger management issues; Prince Liam gets easily flustered by bratty princesses; Prince Frederic collects fancy spoons and considers “dirt” his archenemy. And yet the League of Princes did manage to save not one but five kingdoms from the diabolical plans of an evil witch. Does that make all of them heroes? Duncan certainly thinks so, as evidenced by the introduction to his book.

Fig. 1 DUNCAN, author

Hello! I’m Prince Duncan of Sylvaria. You may remember me from bard songs such as “The Tale of Snow White” or “Cinderella and the League of Princes.” Although that first one never mentions my name and the second is full of factual inaccuracies. For instance, I did not escape the Bandit King by donning a magical “ring of flight” as the song suggests; I simply fell off his roof.

But at least it gets one thing right: I’m a hero. But did you know there was a time when I didn’t even realize I was a hero? It’s true. In fact, I thought I was kind of a loser. That’s what everyone always told me, anyway. But then I joined the League of Princes, and along with my good friends Liam (the one from “Sleeping Beauty”), Frederic (the one from “Cinderella”), and Gustav (the one from “Rapunzel”), I outwitted the trolls, vanquished the giant, tamed the dragon, and destroyed the evil old witch, What’s-her-name, without even breaking a sweat. Because sweat is gross.

—from THE HERO’S GUIDE TO BEING A HERO by Prince Duncan of Sylvaria, aka Prince Charming (the one from “Snow White”)

Admittedly, Duncan’s description of events skims over quite a few details. But at least his account is more accurate than the version of the story told in the popular bard song about that episode with the witch (referenced by Duncan above) that initially earned the League its fame:

Listen, dear hearts, to a tale most alarming,

’Bout a gathering of princes, all formerly charming.

’Twas fair Cinderella who bade them unite

For help with a powerful witch she need fight.

The nameless old crone held us bards as her captives

And threatened to silence our melodious octaves.

A world without music! That was her aim.

But Cind’rella would stop her at her wicked game.

She knew for this mission the allies she must have:

Prince Liam, Prince Frederic, Prince Duncan and Gustav.

Not one was a coward who shudders or winces.

These were the men of the bold League of Princes.

With the maid as their leader, the heroes set off

Into the dark woods with a grin and a laugh.

—from “CINDERELLA AND THE LEAGUE OF PRINCES” by Pennyfeather the Mellifluous, royal bard of Harmonia

Hardly any of that is correct.

Not that it matters. While Pennyfeather did indeed turn the former Princes Charming into household-name heroes with that particular bit of verse, he very quickly went on to embarrass them all with his next story-song, aptly titled “The Embarrassment of the League of Princes.”

The celebration for these mighty warriors

Ended abruptly—and they couldn’t be sorrier.

For the Bandit King (who deserves forty whacks)

Had pilfered the League’s statue from behind their backs.

The Bandit had played with these princes like toys—

Appropriate, since he’s a ten-year-old boy.

—from “THE EMBARRASSMENT OF THE LEAGUE OF PRINCES” by Pennyfeather the Mellifluous

That one’s basically true. While the princes were busy touting their victory over the witch, Deeb Rauber, the young Bandit King, humiliated the team by brazenly stealing their victory monument.

The League of Princes dropped out of sight after that. They never officially disbanded, but they all thought it best to stay out of the public eye for a while. Gustav decided to tough it out in Sturmhagen, even while his brothers continued to get credit for his heroic deeds. Duncan nestled back into his woodland estate in Sylvaria to work on his book (a choice his wife, Snow White, was quite pleased with). And Liam, still on the run from his wedding-hungry fiancée, Briar Rose, returned to Harmonia, home of his friend Frederic—and Frederic’s fiancée, Ella (aka Cinderella).

But don’t worry. It wouldn’t be long before the princes reunited and put the fate of the entire world in peril. That’s just sort of what they do.

It all begins in Harmonia, where one prince’s moment of distraction starts a chain of events that will force the whole League to tackle a perilous quest—a quest during which both lives and pants will be lost. And if you’re really worried about whether our heroes will succeed on this mission, you may not want to look at the title of Chapter 28.