Christopher Healy - The Hero’s Guide to Storming the Castle

Wow, these men must have been jailed here since long before Briar Rose’s reign of terror, Liam thought. “What are you two in for?” he asked.

“Attempted assassination,” the first man said. “We’re innocent, of course—but I got tired of saying that after about the eighth or ninth year.”

“Ooh! And now we get to guess why you’re locked up!” the second man hooted, hopping up and down on his calloused feet. “We don’t get to play this game very often; it’s exciting. Okay, lemme see. . . . You’re wearing a cape, so . . . I’ve got it! You’re a cape thief! They don’t tolerate stealing another man’s cape around these parts.”

“Nah, you’re all wrong, Knoblock. Look at him,” the first man countered. “Flowy shirt cuffs, spiffy belt buckle—not to mention that lustrous head of hair. He’s the swashbuckling type. You were doing a stealing-from-the-rich thing, weren’t you, kid?”

Liam shook his head. “I’m sorry, but no. I’m just here for safekeeping until Briar Rose marries me.”

The two old prisoners gaped in astonishment. “Could it be?” the first asked, his frail voice quivering. “Are you the kid from Erinthia?”

Liam took a step closer, peering through his cell door at the other men. “I am Prince Liam of Erinthia. Who are you?”

The prisoners gripped the bars of their cell and howled with glee.

“Well, I’ll be dipped in griffin dung!” the man named Knoblock cried. “Finally!”

“You’ve got to get us out of here,” the other said with desperation.

“Well, if you really are innocent men, I’ll do what I can,” Liam began. “But I’d need proof that you’re not actually assassins before I—”

“Of course we’re not really assassins!” Knoblock hollered. “You were practically a baby! Your father hired us!”

“My father? What are you talking about?”

The slightly more rational of the two men put his hands on Knoblock’s shoulders to calm him down, then said to Liam, “I’m Aldo Cremins. This is Varick Knoblock. We were actors. And good ones, too. We had fantastic careers in the Erinthian theater. People would line up around the block to see us onstage.”

“Cremins and Knoblock. You must have heard of us,” Knoblock said. He dropped into a goofy, bowlegged stance, elbowed his partner, and said in a fake nasally voice, “Hey, Cremins, what’s the difference between a goblin and a hobgoblin?”

“I don’t know, Knoblock,” Cremins replied in an equally ridiculous voice. “Please enlighten me. What is the difference between a goblin and a hobgoblin?”

“A goblin will eat your cat,” Knoblock said. “And so will a hobgoblin.”

Both men spun around to face Liam with big smiles and waggling jazz hands. Liam simply stared.

“Did we do that right?” Cremins asked, dropping the silly voice. “I don’t think that was the original punch line.”

“That would explain why it wasn’t funny,” Knoblock said.

“Could you please just finish your story?” Liam asked.

“Well, anyway, we were hot stuff once upon a time,” Cremins said. “But that was all before King Gareth hired us to make sure you won a certain contest.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Liam said.

“You couldn’t have been more than three at the time,” Cremins said. “People from all over the world were showing off their kids here in Avondell so the king and queen could pick a future husband for their baby princess, Briar Rose.”

“Well, of course I know that,” Liam said. “That’s how I ended up engaged to Briar in the first place. But no one helped me win. The royal couple picked me because I saved their lives. That was the most important day of my life—the day I first became a hero. I single-handedly stopped two masked assassins from attacking . . .”

The two men pulled their beards up to cover their faces.

“Oh, man. Two assassins. It was you.”

They nodded.

“You were actors?” Liam asked, his horror growing by the second. “And my father . . . ?”

“King Gareth set the whole thing up,” Cremins explained. “He said it was the only way he could be certain you would be chosen to marry Briar Rose. We always enjoyed a challenge, so we took the job. Of course, Gareth also assured us we’d get away somehow.”

Liam’s mouth hung open as he shook his head silently.

“We also assumed he would have told you about our little charade at some point,” Cremins said. “To be honest, I feel kinda bad for you right now. You look like a kid who just had his pet goldfish served to him for dinner.”

“I’ve based my entire life around that moment,” Liam said, his voice hushed and his words slow. “My first act of heroism was really an act of deception. It’s all a lie.”

“Yeah, we feel all sorry for you and everything,” Knoblock said. “But you’re gonna get us out of here now, right? You’re gonna tell everybody we didn’t do it?”

“You are gonna make sure we’re freed, right, kid?” Cremins added hopefully.

Liam sat down on his pile of hay and said nothing. “Why couldn’t I see it before?” he mumbled as his mind flooded with thoughts of his past escapades, every flub and blunder suddenly seeming like a colossal failure. “So many mistakes . . . I lost to the bandits, to the witch, to the dragon, to Briar, to a ten-year-old boy. . . . I never actually saved any of my friends, did I? In fact, I almost got each of them killed. Several times. Everybody looked up to me and believed in my plan. But my plan didn’t work. I’m no strategist. I’ve based everything I’ve done around a skill I don’t even have.”

“Kid?” Cremins called gently.

But Liam didn’t hear him. “Briar Rose is going to take over the world. I’m the only one who knows about it. The people need a hero. But all they’ve got is . . . me.”

Planning is an essential skill for any hero. If you begin something and don’t know how to end it, then, well . . .

—THE HERO’S GUIDE TO BEING A HERO

“ o you think they’ll show?” Ella asked. She and Frederic crouched within a small circle of elms outside the back gates of Avondell Palace.

“I hope so,” Frederic said. “I’ve been seeing guests go in through the front gates all morning. The wedding is probably going to begin soon.”

“C’mon, where are you guys?” Ella muttered under her breath as she peered anxiously between the trees.

“Well, whatever happens, these past few days have been quite enjoyable,” Frederic said. “You and I, dashing across the countryside together, holding secret meetings and such. Very exciting, no? Almost makes me wish it didn’t all have to end in a perilous prison break.”

Ella was barely listening. “Look, Frederic, the others are no-shows. You and I have to do this alone.” She patted the sword hanging at her side and saw Frederic tremble slightly. “Take it easy, Frederic. We can—” A figure appeared suddenly between them as if erupting from the very air itself. Ella reacted on instinct, shoving Frederic out of the way and hauling off with a gut punch that knocked the intruder flat on his back.

“Your messages have been delivered, sir, Your Highness, sir,” Smimf wheezed from the grass where he lay.

“Oh, my goodness,” Ella exclaimed. “I’m so sorry!”

“My fault,” Smimf said, holding his belly. “Got to learn not to startle people like that. I did it to my grandmother once, and she reacted the same way. Only she’s got a metal hand.”