Christopher Healy - The Hero’s Guide to Saving Your Kingdom

“I’ve got some important news about the royal wedding.”

“Will there be cheesecake?” someone shouted.

“No, I’m sorry. No cheesecake. Actually—”

“Will you be taking your vows in a hot-air balloon?” another voice called out.

“No, of course not. Why would someone do that? So, about the wedding—”

“Will there be little sausages on toothpicks and a choice of dipping sauces?” yet another person yelled.

“No.”

“What about cheesecake?”

“I already said there’d be no cheesecake. Look, people, please let me—”

“Will you ride up the aisle on a unicorn?”

“There’s not going to be any wedding!” the prince blurted out. The entire crowd gasped in near unison, as did the king and queen. “I’m sorry. But that’s what I’ve called you all here to tell you. The wedding is off. Princess Briar Rose and I have discussed the matter, and we’ve decided that we’re better off just as friends.” No matter how much he disliked Briar, he didn’t want to bad-mouth her to his people.

As the citizenry murmured with agitation, the king skittered forward, next to his son, and addressed the crowd. “Ha-ha. Oh, that Liam. Your prince is just joshing with us all.”

“No, Father, I’m not,” said Liam. “I’m serious.”

“I told you’d he’d eventually ruin everything,” Queen Gertrude griped bitterly. “He was always too much of a Goody Two-shoes.”

“Listen,” said Liam. “Briar and I just aren’t right for each other.”

“But you love her!” the king shouted, his thick mustache fluttering as he spoke.

“No, I don’t,” Liam said plainly.

“You kissed her and broke the spell,” the queen insisted. “True love’s kiss!”

“I don’t think that’s how it worked,” Liam said with a sigh. “I think anybody’s kiss would have woken her. Besides, how could I love somebody I’d never met before?”

“Because that’s just the way things work!” the king thundered. “You are marrying Briar Rose. It has been written!”

“By you,” Liam said, beginning to get as angry as his parents. “You decided everything when I was three years old. Did anybody ask me who I wanted to marry?”

“You don’t get a choice,” Gertrude snapped.

“Look: Father, Mother,” Liam whispered. “Have you spent any time with her? She’s not a nice person.”

“Do you think I care about that?” Gareth growled. “Her family is rich beyond imagination!”

Liam was startled by his father’s greedy admission. He leaned over the balcony railing and yelled out, “Sorry, people. No wedding!”

Before he knew it, the crowd was booing as loudly as they’d been cheering only a minute earlier. Shouts of “Our hero!” were replaced by jeers of “Traitor!” Liam had never known the people of Erinthia to be unhappy with him. It was like having a tank full of beloved pet goldfish suddenly turn into angry piranhas. He was confused and a bit frightened.

“You should be ashamed of yourself!” one woman cried.

“Some prince you are!” yelled one man.

“I wanted cheesecake!” wailed another.

Liam called down, “People, trust me. I am still the same hero you’ve always known, am I not?”

“No!” someone called out, and threw a shoe at the prince. Soon other objects—canes, rocks, sandwiches—started hurtling up toward the balcony.

“Unbelievable,” Liam muttered. “It’s a riot.”

A tomato smashed into King Gareth’s face, leaving a splatter of red pulp in his wiry mustache. Gertrude struggled to wipe the mess from her husband’s ample facial hair. “Don’t hit us!” she scolded the angry crowd. “We want him to get married!”

Gertrude caught a stale dinner roll that came flying at her, and hurled it back down into the mob.

“Quick, come inside!” It was Liam’s sister. She grabbed him by the hand and pulled him inside the palace.

“Lila, do you know what’s going on?” he asked as the princess shut the ornate glass doors behind them. “I could always tell that our parents were excited about Avondell’s riches, but I still assumed . . .”

“Apparently the money is the only thing Mom and Dad care about,” she said. “I guess the same goes for all those people out there, too. I know they’ve been looking forward to a royal wedding for ages now, but . . . yikes.”

“I expected disappointment,” said Liam. “But for them to turn on me like this—”

“Look, as soon as things calm down, I’ll speak to everyone and try to smooth this out,” Lila said.

“Lila, please don’t take this the wrong way,” Liam said. “But you’re twelve.”

“I know,” Lila said slyly. “Which means I can hit my awkward phase at any moment. But right now, I’ve still got the ‘cute kid’ thing going for me. It’s great for winning people over. Believe me, it’s the only reason I still wear my hair in these annoying ringlets that Mom likes. Anyway, look, I’ll remind those people out there of all the amazing things you’ve done over the years. You’ve always been my hero. I’ll make sure you’re theirs again, too.”

Liam had never felt closer to his sister than in that moment.

“You might have a lot of work cut out for you,” Liam said. “And what about Mom and Dad? I really think they’re going to force me to marry Briar Rose against my will.”

“I’ll take care of them, too,” Lila said. “Don’t ask me how yet, because I’m not sure. I guess I’ve got to convince them that it would be worse to lose their son than to lose oodles and oodles of gold. It may take a while. In the meantime, you should take a vacation.”

“Vacation? Where?”

“Outside the kingdom. Everybody in Erinthia seems pretty steamed at you right now. So, go someplace where the people only know you from the ‘Sleeping Beauty’ story.”

“Ha! That story. No one outside of Erinthia even realizes I’m the hero in that story—it doesn’t mention my name!”

“That’s exactly what I mean,” Lila said. “You can just be Prince Charming for a while. Everybody loves Prince Charming. Go bask in that glory for a while.”

“What glory? Prince Charming isn’t a hero,” Liam groused. “The only thing anybody thinks Prince Charming ever did is kiss a girl and wake her up. I deserve credit for a lot more than that.”

“Better to be loved for something lame than to be hated for no good reason, right?” Lila said.

Liam contemplated his sister’s advice. Lila was just a kid, but she was crafty. She’d gotten herself into—and out of—all sorts of scrapes in the past. And there was definitely a logic to her plan. Liam’s thought process was interrupted by a sudden bang as a roasted turkey crashed through the door, sending shards of glass and loose stuffing across the embroidered carpet.

“Someone out there has a very strong arm,” Liam said.

His sister pushed him toward a stairwell that led down to the palace cellars, and the two shared a quick embrace. “People will love you again, don’t worry,” she said. “Now, sneak out through the cook’s delivery entrance. I need to go rescue our greedy parents.”

She left Liam on the top step and rushed back toward the balcony.

“Thank you, sis,” Liam called. As he started down the stairs, he heard the princess yelling at the crowd of rioters outside: “All right, who threw the bird?”

Liam quietly sneaked through the cellars and into the royal stables. Since nearly everyone in the kingdom was out front by the balcony, there were no grooms or stable boys around to see him hop up onto his black stallion and take off through the palace yard’s back gates.