Brother Brother - How to Not Be a Dick - And Other Truths About Work, Sex, Love - And Everything Else That Matters

If you rescue a girl, she will probably not fall in love with you.

Guys who look like Williamsburg accountants don’t get girls who look like Parisian models.

No one ever has a meaningful conversation in the pouring rain.

Loitering outside someone’s building isn’t charming, it’s fucking creepy.

Constantly pursuing a woman won’t win her over. It will get you arrested.

Failing relationships can’t be saved with poignant gestures or thrilling hijinks.

Weddings are rarely dramatic and only occasionally magical.

The same goes for sex—plus, you sweat way more.

Women don’t find drunk men charming.

You will never attempt to explain being caught in a compromising situation by shouting “It’s not what it looks like!”

Not everyone has a funny friend, because they’re usually annoying.

Real NYC apartments don’t look like that.

Real bodies don’t look like that, either.

Underdogs are underdogs for a reason—they usually lose.

Most assholes don’t redeem themselves, they just continue being assholes.

Bad guys usually don’t get what’s coming to them. In fact, they usually win.

You will never walk away from an exploding building in slow motion.

You can’t jump between buildings or train cars.

You can’t cling to a helicopter as it takes off, either.

You won’t get rewarded for ignoring your boss’ orders. You get fired.

If someone is pointing a gun at you, they will not take a moment to deliver a speech before pulling the trigger.

Occasionally, the automatic override isn’t damaged.

You will never be involved in a car chase.

In the event of an actual cataclysmic event, you will not survive.

In the event of an actual gun battle, you will not slide over the hood of a car while firing a pair of handguns.

You can’t just randomly enhance digital footage.

You will never get a montage.

You will never deliver a stirring speech.

You will never do anything that’s accompanied by a soaring soundtrack.

There’s a pretty good chance you will die alone.

Tom Cruise is actually like 5′4″.

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