Brother Brother - How to Not Be a Dick - And Other Truths About Work, Sex, Love - And Everything Else That Matters

INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY

You agree that the Services, including but not limited to analysis, codes, Content, credos, dumb charts, diagrams and graphs, gripes, half-baked schemes, illustrations, inane lists, judgments, Killers lyrics, petty grievances, sex tips, threats and texts used to implement the Services, contain proprietary information and material that is owned by BROTHER, and is protected by applicable intellectual property and other laws, including but not limited to copyright. You agree that you will not use such proprietary information or materials in any way whatsoever except for use of the Services for personal, noncommercial uses in compliance with this Agreement. No portion of the Services may be reproduced in any form or by any means, except as expressly permitted by this Agreement. You agree not to modify, rent, loan, sell, or distribute the Services or Content in any manner, and you shall not exploit the Services in any manner not expressly authorized.

The BROTHER name, the BROTHER logo and other BROTHER trademarks, service marks, graphics and logos used in connection with the Services are trademarks or registered trademarks of BROTHER in the U.S. and other countries throughout the world. BROTHER is also the name of a line of sewing machines, but we’re betting they haven’t noticed yet (so don’t tell them). You are granted no right or license with respect to any of the aforesaid trademarks, unless you are the people who manufacture those sewing machines; you’ve probably earned it.

TERMINATION AND SUSPENSION OF SERVICES

If you fail, or BROTHER suspects that you have failed, to comply with any of the provisions of this Agreement, BROTHER may, without notice: (i) terminate this Agreement; and/or (ii) terminate your access to our Content; and/or (iii) terminate you.

BROTHER further reserves the right to modify, suspend, or discontinue the Services (or any part or Content thereof) at any time with or without notice to you—until we show up at your job/place of residence to terminate you.

OTHER PROVISIONS

This Agreement constitutes the entire agreement between you and BROTHER and governs your use of the Services, superseding any prior agreements with respect to the same subject matter between you and BROTHER. If any part of this Agreement is held invalid or unenforceable, that portion shall be construed in a manner consistent with applicable law to reflect, as nearly as possible, the original intentions of the parties, and the remaining portions shall remain in full force and effect. BROTHER’s failure to enforce any right or provisions in this Agreement will not constitute a waiver of such or any other provision. We’re busy. BROTHER will not be responsible for failures to fulfill any obligations due to causes beyond its control. Again, we’re busy.

You agree to comply with all local, state, federal, and national laws, statutes, ordinances and regulations that apply to your use of the Services. Your use of the Services may also be subject to other laws. No BROTHER employee or agent has the authority to vary this Agreement—not even Hogan, and we let that dude do everything .

You hereby grant BROTHER the right to take steps BROTHER believes are reasonably necessary or appropriate to enforce and/or verify compliance with any part of this Agreement. You agree that BROTHER has the right, without liability to you, to disclose any data and/or information to law enforcement authorities, government officials and/or a third party, even though BROTHER thinks cops are the worst and not to be trusted. We take this Agreement very seriously, and failure to comply with any part of it shall result in punishment, as determined by our Chief Magistrate, including (i) a fine of USD $5,000; (ii) a series of Indian Burns; (iii) 25 days in BROTHER jail, which is not as fun as it sounds; (iv) dibs on any sexual partners, both current and future; or (v) all of the above. Because life isn’t fair—which is why you should always read the fine print. And that’s the truth.

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Life Needs

Everything necessary to ascend, find fulfillment and become the person you were meant to be.

SELF-ACTUALIZATION—Wi-Fi.

ESTEEM—Likes, compliments and recognition, respect, the occasional nude.

BELONGINGNESS AND LOVE—Dating apps, social media, friends, family, a companion, your hand (when all else fails).

SAFETY—Freedom from harassment and intimidation (not applicable if you are black in America), money, medicine, seatbelts, airbags, a weapon (if you are delusional).

PHYSIOLOGICAL—Air, water, food, clothing, shelter, sleep, someone to have sex with occasionally, your phone, a place to charge your phone.

100 Universal Truths About Your Life

We’re not gonna lie to you: life is hard. But these truths will set you free.

Everyone is pretending.

Anyone who boasts is overcompensating.

No one is as happy as they appear to be.

Social Media is not real life.

Comparing yourself to others is a waste of time.

If you don’t expect anything, you’ll never be disappointed.

Art and commerce can never coexist.

Kindness is underrated.

Happiness is a social construct, not a goal.

Thriftiness is a virtue; cheapness is an annoyance.

Never stop doing kids’ stuff—that way you’ll never get old.

Always have an alibi.

If you find yourself saying “I’m not a racist,” you’re probably a racist.

If you have to ask “Is this inappropriate?” it’s probably inappropriate.

The answer to the question “How did they afford that?” is always “Their parents paid for it.”

Blackface is never a good idea.

Always say “Thank you.”

Often, it’s just easier to apologize.

Know what battles are worth fighting.

You won’t live forever, but you can create something that might.

Have perspective—there is always someone worse off than you.

Be patient—if you’re good, you’ll get what’s coming to you.

Recognize your privilege.

Sometimes, it’s better to be realistic than optimistic.

Never spend more than 72 hours in Las Vegas.