Matthew Thomas - Terror Firma

Lucinda looked on with growing incomprehension, as Jimmy pressed for the kill. ‘Why don’t you share it with us, Toby? You’ll feel better once you’ve got it off your chest.’

Toby cast a furtive glance over the audience of strangers that he knew would soon turn against him, then retreated behind his ponderous fringe. ‘This isn’t easy for me to say, but I’ve been having an affair behind your back.’

Even though they had known what was coming, the audience let out a collective gasp which seemed to suck the air out of the room. Kate felt her eardrums bulge outwards as, up on stage, Lucy put her dainty hands to her mouth and turned an ashen shade.

Jimmy wanted more. ‘That’s not all you have to tell Lucinda, is it, Toby? ‘‘Behind her back’’ is a more fitting phrase in this case than in most others. Why don’t you tell us who this liaison has been with?’

Through some strange compulsion not to let his tormentors down, Toby carried on, barely suppressing a self-conscious smile. ‘Sorry, Lucy, but I’ve been sleeping with your mum.’

Another gasp from the audience. Kate could have sworn it was getting harder to breathe. She saw on the monitor beside her that the Director had playfully cut back to a shot of Lucy’s smiling parents, still waiting in the green room, oblivious to events on stage.

That raised another point that had always left her baffled. Why the hell did people agree to come on this sort of show? If you were invited to be a guest of Jimmy Maxwell, along with several members of your immediate family, for no obvious reason, surely even the most inept viewer would realize it was not to be given ‘good news’.

Meanwhile, as usual, events onstage did not leave much time for sober reflection. Jimmy was playing the crowd for all he was worth, and at last count that was quite a bit.

‘Well, I’m sure you can guess who we’ve got back stage, can’t you folks? They haven’t heard what’s happened to this point, but there’s plenty of time to correct that right now. Come on out, Eddy and Ginny!’

Half the audience broke into spontaneous cheers, while the other half set up a chorus of boos which would have made an ugly sister feel at home. To her credit Lucinda wasted no time in getting her retaliation in first.

‘BITCH!’ she screamed, as she threw herself at her bewildered mother.

As the burly security guards peeled her off her reeling parents, Jimmy felt the need to bring them up to speed on recent developments. ‘Welcome, Eddy and Virginia. Toby has just been telling us about your very close and special relationship.’

‘Mummy’ went as white as one of her suspiciously stained bed-sheets. ‘Oh my God!’ she gasped, sinking to her chair.

‘What on earth is all this about?’ demanded ‘Daddy’, as he comforted his wailing daughter.

Jimmy smirked. ‘Seems Toby and Ginny have been indulging in a spot of the old double-divan boogie-woogie. Virginia by name, but not, apparently, by nature.’

The audience loved that, this was even better than Maxwell’s infamous ‘I’m a Fat Transvestite Bisexual Who Sleeps Around’ show. There had been crowds in the Roman Colosseum which had given Christian rookie lion-tamers an easier time. Eddy looked on aghast at his wife. ‘Is this true, Virginia?’

It was all Ginny could do to nod her head. ‘It was him,’ she stammered, pointing a trembling finger in Toby’s direction. ‘He had me under some sort of hypnotic spell. I couldn’t say no to his depraved demands.’

All eyes turned to young Toby. Lucy stared at her former fiancé for a second along with everyone else, then made a heroic effort to break from her minder to tear his throat out. The crowd loved that too. There was a spontaneous standing ovation for the plucky young woman, who all knew had been done a great and terrible wrong.

Jimmy stepped up to the stage, a life-raft of tolerance amidst the ocean of chaos. ‘Now, now. Why don’t we all calm down and talk about this like sensible adults? But first I’d like to welcome a very special mystery guest. None of you knew she was coming tonight, but please put your hands together for Toby’s sister Jemima!’

The make-up and costume departments had obviously gone to town on Jemima. She looked like an extra from a certain sort of continental film that found favour with a late-night audience on Channel 5. As the heavily mascara-ed young woman oozed onto the stage she had ‘femme fatal’ written all over her.

‘Hello, uncle Eddy,’ said Jemima with come to bed eyes, and a let’s stay there smile. ‘Remember me?’

Edward’s brow furrowed. ‘Uh, I don’t see what relevance she has to this discussion.’

‘Oh really,’ sneered Jimmy. ‘I think she might have every relevance. Ever accused any kettles of being overly on the dark side?’

‘Edward! You never did?’ sobbed Virginia, as she cowered under her daughter’s continued stream of abuse.

‘He most certainly did, Virginia,’ said Jemima in the sort of husky baritone which could have melted pack-ice. ‘And may I take this opportunity to compliment you on your choice of husband, or Rock Steady Eddy as I used to call him. No need for Viagra there.’

‘Rock steady Eddy’ sank to the floor with his head in his hands and began to tremble. An over-excited member of the audience let out a half-hearted ‘whoop’, then stopped when they realized no one else was joining in. It was strange how, even in these trans-Atlantic times, some traditional elements did not transfer well across the pond.

Jimmy took the time to seat himself next to Toby’s chair. ‘Well, young man, you and your sister seem to be the catalyst for all this mess. Do you have any sort of excuse to explain your appalling behaviour?’

Toby looked like he was about to burst into tears. ‘I’d just like to say, Jimmy, that I’m the real victim here. If I hadn’t have got involved with that cult none of this would have happened.’

‘Victims, victims everywhere!’ exclaimed Jimmy. ‘Seems that if you’re not a victim these days then there must be something wrong with you. Better make a note, gotta be a show in that. What cult are you talking about, son?’

Toby looked more than a trifle embarrassed. ‘They latched onto me when I was at my lowest ebb. They’re called the Temple of Planet Love. I didn’t even become a full member, just attended one of their missionary sessions. They treated me like I was special … but that was before they started doing things to my mind, giving me strange pills to take. Before they attached me to that living machine.’ Toby rubbed his forehead and looked distraught. ‘I don’t remember much else, but when they turfed me out I was prepared to shag anything that moved, and quite a lot that didn’t.’

‘Thanks very much!’ screamed Virginia, still busily lunging for her husband.

Toby continued. ‘After a while the effects died off. That was when I came to my senses, but it was too late. Jemima wasn’t so lucky, they got to her too. Seems they still have.’

Jimmy looked disgusted. ‘So not only did you debase your own body, but you dragged your poor innocent sister down into the pit of moral despair with you – that’s appalling. I hope you’re ashamed of yourself.’

Over the cheering and applause, Jemima could just be heard to say, ‘Less of the innocent , if you don’t mind. What are you doing after the show, big boy?’

But Jimmy had more important things on his mind. He looked directly into a conveniently placed camera. ‘Interestingly enough, folks, in just a few days time, in a special one-off show, we focus on these goofy oriental nut-cases themselves. If you didn’t already know it, the Temple of Planet Love is the whacky UFO cult that’s been hitting the headlines, as well as the nation’s bed-sheets, of late. If it’s not exactly ‘‘free love’’ they preach then at least they offer very competitive credit terms. Don’t forget to make a date with us, and them, on our Alien Abduction Extravaganza!’