Eric Morecambe - The Reluctant Vampire Omnibus

Wilf stayed in the doorway of Boots and scratched himself to sleep. Ronnoco was left in the doorway of Motherscares, while Doctor Plump went back to his horse and buggy and fell asleep driving home.

Igon sat in the corner of Valentine’s room and thought of his dear, old, kind, generous, heavy-fisted Mother. The wry smile on his face was put there by that same fist!

Valentine’s shocked at his own reflection.

Vernon wants Igon for closer inspection.

Valentine jumped up quickly and hit his head on the coffin lid. Igon awoke instantly and slid over to Valentine’s coffin.

‘What can I do, my Prince?’ he asked through the closed lid.

‘Open the lid, please, Igon,’ came a muffled reply.

‘Pardon?’ asked Igon.

‘Open the lid please, Igon,’ Valentine’s voice said softly but with urgency.

‘I’m sorry Sire, but I can’t hear you properly. I’ll open the lid so that I can hear you.’

Igon opened the lid but hardly more than a crack.

‘Thank you, Igon, but could you just open the lid a little more, please?’

‘I mustn’t, Sire. It’s daylight and it’s dangerous for Vampires to be abroad in daylight.’

‘Just open the lid. It’s too heavy from the inside.’

‘No, Sire,’ Igon was at a loss. Although not a Vampire himself, he knew all the laws and rules of the Vampires’ needs and ways.

‘Igon,’ Valentine nearly shouted. ‘Just for the moment I want you to forget all that rhubarb and list …’

‘You want some rhubarb, Sire? I’ll fetch some immediately.’

‘No, Igon.’ This time Valentine did not shout. ‘Don’t get any rhubarb.’ He spoke very precisely and slowly. ‘Look, the only thing I want you to do is to open my bed lid. That’s all. Just open my bed lid. Now that’s got to be simple, Igon, hasn’t it.’

‘Oh yes, Sire. But it’s daylight and what would your father say if he found out I’d let you out in the daylight? You might die and I definitely would.’

‘I won’t tell him, Igon. Honest, I won’t tell him you let me out,’ Valentine pleaded through the crack of light. ‘Igon, haven’t I always been kind to you?’

Igon nodded at the coffin where the sad voice was coming from.

‘And haven’t I always been on your side and stuck up for you? Haven’t I, Igon?’

Igon blinked as a tear rolled down his left cheek. He also looked at his glass eye to see if that was crying, but it wasn’t.

‘Yes, Sire, you have been the only one,’ he sobbed.

‘So trust me, Igon. Trust me. Lift the lid and I promise you that nothing will happen to me and nothing, my little friend, will happen to you. I give you my word.’

That was good enough for Igon. Not because Valentine had given his word, although that in itself was enough, but because he had called Igon his little friend. And he had called him little friend without putting words like ‘ugly’ or ‘stupid’ in front of it.

Within a few seconds Valentine was sitting up, shading his eyes against the sunlight that was filtering in through the dark, heavy curtains.

‘Open the curtains, Igon.’

‘Should I, Sire? I don’t want you to die, Sire. You are the only friend I’ve got. If you die, Sire, I might as well die too.’ Here Igon looked as sweet as he could, rather like half a lemon that had been squeezed two weeks ago. Valentine gave a smile of thanks and true affection.

‘I promise you, Igon. The daylight will not kill me,’ he said, and at the same time sprang to the floor. ‘Come, let’s get some wonderful hot sunlight into this musty old room.’

Valentine strode boldly over to the curtains and with one swift movement threw them apart. Igon ran around the room like a demented gerbil. The entire room was bathed in hot, bright, beautiful, life-giving sunshine.

Igon covered his eye and face with his hands while Valentine looked down on the village below and watched happily as the heat of the sun warmed his body. For the first time he could remember, he felt not only well but good. He wanted to do someone, somewhere, some good. He wanted to share his happiness with someone. He looked at Igon and, still smiling, said:

‘It’s all right, Igon. I’m still here. You can look at me. I’m not dead. Look at me.’

Igon nervously took his hands away from his face and through a squinted eye looked at Valentine who was fully bathed in sunshine.

‘This can’t be right, Sire,’ Igon said with a shaking voice.

‘Ah, but it is, Igon, it is,’ said Valentine, taking a huge, deep breath.

Igon sat in the middle of the room on the floor, looking quite lost and befuddled.

‘Come, Igon,’ Valentine continued. ‘Let’s go to the village and meet some real people. People who we’ve never seen before. Maybe even a pretty girl.’

‘For me?’ Igon asked, his eye brightening up.

‘Who knows?’ Valentine laughed.

They left the castle, Valentine hoping it was for good. He intended to send the King and Queen a night letter thanking them for all they had done for him, but somehow things don’t always work out the way you plan.

The first thing they heard when they got to the village was the gossip that Ronnoco had been put in the only cell of the jail for being found supposedly drunk in the doorway of Motherscares.

To both Valentine and Igon the village seemed packed. They had never seen so many people at once. Valentine was very excited at seeing things that he had never seen before. Things like birds in a cage, all singing; beautiful, bright little things. He had never seen birds at the castle. Only once he remembered seeing a vulture flying over the castle when his old Uncle Vermillion had died. It was said that he had fallen down at night on to a stake that somehow had pierced his heart.

Igon, as a boy, had been taken to the village, but he had almost forgotten the things he’d seen. Today the thing that caught his eye was a monocle which he thought he would save up for, then put in his eye pouch for his glass eye.

The whole day for the two of them was spent looking at everything. Igon soon got over the fact that Valentine was still alive and that the daylight hadn’t killed him or even slowed him down for that matter. It seemed to make him stronger although it worried Igon slightly that Valentine’s skin was starting to turn a little on the red side.

It was now late afternoon. Both of them were starting to feel a little hungry, particularly Igon who was one of those people who could eat a lot of anything at any time. But they had no money and they both knew that in the outside world money was the most important of things and that humans would kill for it.

They stood looking wistfully into the window of Ari Hovis the baker at the hot bread and the beautiful cakes and scones. It was then that Igon noticed his reflection.

His heart missed a beat, if not two or three, not at his own ugliness but the fact that standing next to him in the reflection of the window was Valentine. A thousand thoughts raced through Igon’s tiny mind.

‘Vampires have no reflection. Should I tell him? Should I tell his father, the King of all the Vampires, that one of his sons had a reflection? What should I do?’ He was so agitated he started to jump up and down, so much so that people stopped to watch him doing his jig in the middle of the main street. This ugly little man with a tall, handsome fellow in full evening dress.

But, the people just thought they were from the circus, always due around this time of the year, and that these two fellows were here to advertise it. No one considered it would be anyone from the castle. Why, the only person to be seen from the castle was the King and he was only ever seen at night and very late at that.