Eric Morecambe - The Reluctant Vampire Omnibus

The Queen was not to be intimidated.

‘Nonsense. You are talking nonsense. He’s probably in his playroom listening to his musical boxes. He’s got all the latest ones. Only last week he sent away for Mick Jugular and the Rolling Tombstones.’

‘Vy do you prattle on so? Valentine has gone. Vy has he gone? I vill tell you. Somevon in the castle has told him he is not a Vampire. He knows he is not a Vampire. So beink a human child he wants to fint out whom his real parents are and you prattle on about … er … Tick Tracular ant the Writhing Twobones.’

‘Mick Jugular and the Rolling Tombstones, dear,’ his Queen corrected.

The King looked at his wife for a long time before he spoke, as if he was trying to recollect the past events. ‘You remember the night I brought him to the castle?’

‘Of course,’ the Queen said.

‘I found him, a small, little thing, not much more than a day old. He vas wrapped up in a blanket vit the vords on a piece of parchment sayink “Please somevon vill you take care off mine little boy,” ya?’

‘Yes. Look dear. I know all this.’

‘But dit you know whom his parents vere, eh?’

‘No one did.’

‘You are wronk. I dit.’

‘How?’

‘Because I made it mine duty to find out.’

‘Who? Tell me who.’ The Queen stared at her husband.

‘The Mayor. Ya, Mayor Goop. He vas his father. That is vy I turned him into a bat.’

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