Eric Morecambe - The Reluctant Vampire Omnibus

They all looked at Vernon, with a surprised look on their faces, including Vernon himself. This was the first time he had done the trick right. He had transported himself from the cellars up into his mother’s room.

He stood there, in the middle of the room, dazed and slightly on fire, trying to put himself out by patting himself hard and blowing on himself even harder. He was having little success. At the moment he was smouldering like an old bonfire.

Igon was the first to come to his senses. He picked up a pitcher of water and threw it at Vernon but, sadly, he let go of the pitcher too and it landed slap-bang on the back of Vernon’s head.

The pitcher broke on impact, covering him with water and therefore putting out the fire. It also put Vernon out, cold. The Doctor fainted on top of an already fainted Ronnoco Sed for the second time that evening.

Valentine could hardly hold back a smile while his mother laughed out loud and applauded. Igon knew he was in for it as soon as Vernon came round, so he tried to climb up the chimney.

Igon was a very lucky warped old man that night for, just as Vernon came to his senses and was just beginning to think of knocking the already minute senses completely out of Igon, Victor came into the room through the window. In this household Victor was the King. His word was law.

He looked at his family and the Doctor and the servant and then at Igon scrambling about in the fireplace among the ashes.

‘Igon,’ he hissed. ‘Vot are you doink? Are you arrivink or are you goink, ya?’

Vernon suddenly spoke. ‘He hit me, father. That stupid, stunted swine hit me. He hit me with a pitcher.’ Vernon, his eyes glowing with rage, glared at poor Igon but Victor’s satanic eyes slowly turned towards Vernon and Vernon knew he made a bad mistake in interrupting his father. Quickly and sullenly he murmured an apology. The King hissed softly in a voice filled with venom:

‘Since ven has it been permissible to interrupt your father?’ He hit Vernon with the flat of his hand across the cheek, leaving a blue mark across his white face. ‘Ant since ven,’ he continued, ‘has it been permissible to interrupt the Kink?’

Once again he slapped Vernon across the other cheek, leaving another blue mark that matched the first one. Vernon’s eyes, blood-red with anger, looked steadily at his father. Valentine looked at the ground while Valeeta looked at her husband, her eyes filled with pride and love. Doctor Plump and Ronnoco Sed slept soundly on in their faint.

Igon had stopped scrambling in the ashes and was now trying to cover himself with logs.

‘Igon, mine little filty frent. Come here,’ Victor commanded.

Igon did as he was told and came to Victor, expecting another powerful blow about his head. Victor put his hand out to rest gently on top of Igon’s head, saying:

‘Igon, you are the most beautiful ugly think I haff ever seen, ant I’ve seen a few ugly thinks in mine time. But I haff never seen anythink quite as beautifully ugly as you.’

Igon gave Victor the kind of look an obedient dog gives its master. Victor then playfully kicked Igon to the other side of the room and as Igon rolled over and over, the only thing he could hear was a deep-throated laugh coming from the direction of Victor, King of the Vampires. As Igon rolled to a stop, Victor continued to speak.

‘Vell, mine beloved family. Tonight ve vill go out together. How gutt it is to see you lookink so vell, Valentine.’

The Doctor stirred.

‘Ah, Doctor. I’m glat to see you. I’m thankink you for curink mine son, Valentine, from the vapours. You see, I knew you could do it.’

The Doctor, who was still not quite himself, got shakily to his feet. Valentine spoke before the Doctor could say anything.

‘Yes, Father. The Doctor was very good and also very quick. He found out the cause and the cure too.’

‘Vot was the cause?’

‘Er … too much blood, Father. I’ve been drinking too much blood,’ Valentine lied, looking sideways at the Doctor, hoping he wouldn’t be fool enough to say something else.

‘Ant the cure?’ Victor asked his son.

‘Blood oranges.’

‘Blood oranges?’

‘Yes Father. From now on I have only to eat blood oranges. Isn’t that correct, Doctor?’

Doctor Plump half smiled and half nodded.

‘The Doctor said that blood oranges would be better than real blood if I want to stay cured of the dreaded Vampire vapours, and you know how contagious they are, Father.’

‘Blood oranges are contagious?’ asked his Father.

‘No Father, the vapours are contagious,’ Valentine corrected.

‘I see,’ said Victor, almost to himself. ‘Vell, iff you haff to haff blood oranges, then blood oranges it vill be.’ He looked at his wife, who knowing Valentine’s feelings about blood, nodded her head in agreement.

‘But I’m tellink you this, mine son. Blood oranges vill eventually rot your teeth. Come everyvon. Ve vill all go into the village to celebrate Valentine’s recovery.’ He led the way to the window.

Valentine didn’t want to go out of the window and neither did the Doctor. Nor would Ronnoco Sed when he came round.

‘Er … Father.’

‘Yes, mine son.’

‘Maybe I should take the others out by the front door.’

‘Vy?’

‘Well, they are not like us. They can’t turn into bats and fly out of the window.’

‘Throw Igon out of the window. Please let me throw Igon out of the window, Father,’ Vernon begged.

‘There, there, dear,’ his mother said. ‘Not tonight. Maybe some other night. Now do as your Father asks.’

Victor fixed his eyes on his wife. ‘Asks?’ he said loudly. ‘Asks,’ he said even louder. ‘Do as your Father tells him, not asks. I am the Kink ant you all do as I command. All off you. Unterstant?’

Vernon and the King of the Vampires looked at each other. The air in the room crackled with electric hate. Vernon backed down under his father’s gaze. Victor, knowing he had beaten his son, gave a smile that could freeze two flames together. He looked around the room, his gaze resting on his other son, Valentine.

‘Very vell, you take the others out through the front door.’ He looked at the Doctor and the servant. ‘I vould take you out that vay mineself, but I’m afraid I don’t know vere the front door is.’

With that he gathered his wife and Vernon close to him, put his hand inside his cloak pocket, bringing out the ex-mayor of Katchem, and put him on his shoulder. He led them to the window, saying before they all jumped.

‘Ve vill see you in the main street, in the doorvay off Motherscares, ya?’

It took Ronnoco Sed a little while to come round fully. The three of them then made their way to the door. Then Valentine looked round and saw Igon huddled in a corner of the room with tears of sadness welling up in his eye.

‘Come on,’ Valentine called. ‘We can’t go without you, can we? You are the only one who knows the way.’

Igon wiped the tears away from his eye with his sleeve and ran after his hero, Valentine.

It took them forty minutes to get to the front door and that was at speed. It took Igon forty seconds to get to the same door. He had found a shortcut. To be perfectly honest, the shortcut found him.

He was leaning against a wooden panel along the corridor, trying to get his breath back, when suddenly the panel opened and he fell straight down, landing on the stone flags below, just outside the front door.

Lady Luck continued to be with him that night and luckily the fall was broken by his legs. He didn’t cry out in pain, having been taught from the beatings given to him by his lovely and much-missed Mummy to be impervious to pain. He always used to say she had the best left hook he had ever felt and she could have been the world champion heavyweight boxer if she hadn’t been disqualified in the tenth for consistent butting.