Sam Carrington - One Little Lie

I’ll have to go into the building, though, as I’ve no idea which level she works on. I could do a recce of the place, then sit somewhere out here. I glance around me to see where would work. Yes, I could sit on one of the benches along from the building, near the river. Maybe she’ll leave at lunchtime, and I can catch up with her then, save me going inside. Whatever happens today though, I can’t wait past three o’clock. I’ve got my appointment with Connie at four, so I have to get the 3.10 bus back to Totnes to get there on time. I probably should’ve waited to do this until tomorrow rather than have two things to worry about in one day. But once I decided I was going to do it, it had to be attempted right away. No putting it off.

‘Hello, Alice.’ The voice, though soft and unassuming, sends a jolt of electricity through my body. I take a steadying breath as I realise it’s only Wendy, from my support group. Not great timing, and I could certainly do without her here, but it could be worse.

‘Lovely to see you, Wendy,’ I trill, twisting my lips into a forced smile. Now, how to get rid of her quickly without appearing rude. ‘Not long until our group session now – will be great to catch up on Wednesday, see how we’ve all done these past few weeks.’

‘Yes, I’m actually looking forwards to it.’ She lowers her dark eyes, looking to the ground. She carries on talking, and while I am listening to Wendy, and trying hard to appear interested in whatever she’s talking about, my eyes keep flitting around her bulky frame. I want to keep my focus on the entrance, in case she walks out.

Then the situation worsens.

A familiar face stands out from the crowd of people walking alongside the building.

What’s he doing here?

How?

I turn quickly, snapping my head around to face the wall I’d been leaning against prior to Wendy turning up.

Please, God, don’t let him see me .

I forget Wendy’s here, next to me. I take her arm, and gently pull her towards me. I whisper conspiratorially in her ear: ‘Don’t look behind, but my ex-husband is over there and I can’t handle him today. Just keep facing this way.’ I keep my grasp on her arm, so she knows I’m serious.

Her eyes are wide as she stares at me, saying nothing.

If he hasn’t seen me, it’ll be all right. If he has …

I use Wendy as a shield as I twist my head slightly to look over her shoulder to the building opposite. It’s clear. He’s gone.

For now, at least. But that was too close. And with Wendy here too. It could’ve been disastrous.

I relax my grip on her and give a brief explanation of how awfully things had ended between us when Kyle was convicted of murder.

She needn’t ever know it’s a lie.

Marcie’s words played over in my mind all weekend. They wouldn’t stop. I’ve flipped between full-on anger and complete helplessness and now, standing at the top of Berry Head, I just feel utterly lost. This seemed the best place to come – something drew me here.

The waves smash loudly against the rocks below. I watch the tiny droplets of water as they fly upwards, but I can’t feel the spray on my face as I’m too far above. Must be a two-hundred-foot drop.

Enough to kill me.

Put me out of this misery.

Nathan would be all right. He’s got his job, his overbearing mother, his precious golf buddies. I’m fairly sure he has a mistress, too. He’d do fine without me.

I teeter on the edge; the grass is slippery with dew. The intermittent gusts of wind shake my body – push me ever closer to the sheer drop. It really wouldn’t take much.

The nerve of that woman. Sitting there, spouting on about how she misses her son. The nerve of Marcie, making me take time off work. The pity in her perfectly line-free face. Why now? I know I’ve been a bit more distracted recently – it is coming up to the anniversary. However, it’s nothing she, or any of my colleagues, should take issue with. Others are worse. Colin, now he is one lazy shit – he’s the one they should be telling to have time off. He’s the one who delegates all his work to others while he wanks off in the loos in a vain attempt to compensate for his marriage break-up a year ago. Why isn’t anyone bringing that to Marcie’s attention? They’re ganging up on me, picking faults, trying to get enough on me to get rid of me permanently. What have I done that’s so wrong?

Surely it’s enough that I lost my son. I don’t think I should be punished further. Not me. I’m not the one needing punishment.

I catch my breath. The clarity of that thought hits me, like a short, sharp punch to the stomach.

I look down. I don’t deserve those rocks, the crashing waves, the deep, dark, cold water as my grave. I shouldn’t be the one to suffer that fate.

I take a step back.

I shouldn’t be the one to suffer at all.

Maybe it was a blessing, Marcie forcing me to take leave. I have time now.

Time to put a few things straight.

The Alice standing opposite Connie was not the same calm and collected Alice she’d seen two weeks ago. She was now red-faced, flustered, and appeared agitated.

‘So sorry I’m late,’ she said, her breathing laboured. ‘I had to … practically run … up the hill.’

‘Please, Alice, don’t worry. Take your time, there’s no rush – you’re my last client of the day.’

She took some deep breaths, then slumped, relaxing into the chair. Connie took her seat and waited for her to recover. After a few minutes, her colour had returned to normal.

‘How have you been since our last meeting, Alice?’

Connie noted Alice’s rapid blinking and how she was rubbing her hands together, and wondered what had happened to alter her demeanour. She waited for a response, but Alice remained silent.

‘Maybe you could begin by telling me something you felt was positive?’ Connie coaxed.

Alice’s face broke into a wide smile. Connie gave an inward sigh of relief. At least there was something good to give her a starting point for this session.

‘Positive, yes – there have been some good things since I last saw you. Some progression.’

‘That’s excellent, Alice. Let’s begin with that then, shall we?’

‘I found someone like me, someone who’s going through the same issues as me. It’s given me a purpose; some motivation.’

‘It can be very helpful to know others have experienced similar situations to yourself, showing you that you’re not alone in your struggles. Is it someone from your support group?’

Alice’s mouth twitched; she took a while before she nodded.

‘And you began the group, didn’t you?’

‘Yes. It was just online at first, but I decided it was more important to have proper face-to-face meetings.’

‘That’s such a positive step, and a really good outcome that you’ve bonded with someone else so early on in the group sessions. You must feel proud of your achievement?’

‘I do, actually. The group is the best thing I’ve ever done,’ Alice said, her face glowing. ‘I feel as though I’ve met a kindred spirit.’

‘Ah, that’s great,’ Connie said, nodding her head encouragingly. ‘How has it helped you, in your everyday life?’

‘It’s given me hope. A focus. The group as a whole has obviously helped, but this one person is the key, I think.’

‘The key? To what?’

‘To me forgiving myself,’ Alice said, her voice soft, almost a whisper.

Guilt was one of the biggest obstacles Connie had picked up on during her sessions with Alice. The fact she recognised she needed to forgive herself was a huge step. But that being said, Connie had a niggling feeling about Alice’s part in all of this. Maybe she had good reason to blame herself. But that wasn’t really Connie’s role – to apportion blame, dig into someone’s life and play detective. That was Lindsay’s area of expertise. If she did unpick Alice’s reason for guilt, and she was somehow to blame, Connie had to deal with it in a totally different way. Alice was her client. She had to help Alice. It was her job.