Chris Curran - Mindsight

‘Better leave it till tomorrow. I’m so tired I think I need to settle in then get to bed.’

She gestured to the telephone. ‘I’ve put my mobile number, as well as the one for home, into your phone memory, so you don’t need to call the house until you’re ready.’ After a moment’s hesitation, she pulled me to her and whispered, ‘It’ll be all right.’ But I couldn’t speak and my arms hung heavy at my sides.

She stopped at the door and I forced a smile. ‘Go on. I’m OK.’

The kitchen overlooked the front garden and I watched her go. She turned at the gate to wave, and I raised my hand, longing to call her back and ask her to take me home with her.

When I heard the car start up and drive away, I pulled down the kitchen blind, went back into the living room and shut the window to let silence fill the place. Then I sat on the sofa, leaning back and closing my eyes. Deep breaths, one step at a time.

In the bedroom, I unpacked the holdall, my clothes lost in the big wardrobe. My one precious possession – the photograph in its cheap plastic frame – I put on the bedside table, my fingers lingering for a moment over each glassy face.

Alice had made the bed, and I pulled off my clothes and crawled into the soft darkness, lying hunched with the effort of clamping my mind shut. I knew I deserved to feel the pain the oh-so-familiar thoughts and images would bring, but, for now, I would allow myself a few, blessed, moments of peace.

I woke to darkness, knowing I’d slept for hours. I didn’t need a clock to tell me it was 3 a.m.: the time I’d woken every night for the past five years. Oddly enough, there was no confusion about where I was. The softness and the stretch of the bed around me, the silence and the feeling of space told me everything. I thought of my friend, Ruby, and longed to feel her warm, brown skin against mine; to tell her how frightened I was. But Ruby was still in prison, and I knew she’d only repeat the last thing she said to me: ‘This is the first day of the rest of your life, girl. So, get out there and live it.’

The floorboards were cold under my feet as I fumbled for socks and a sweatshirt. I knew, if I turned on the lamp, I’d never be able to cross the huge space to the door, but there was enough grey light to lead me to the living room windows. As I looked out, I felt a shock of disorientation; it seemed the stars were below, and the dark sea above. Then I realised that, of course, there were no stars. The shining pinpoints were lights from the houses in the town below; the darkness, above and beyond, was the sky merging with the water. I recalled the milky emptiness I’d seen from the same window earlier and the phrase that had come to mind then – the end of the world . This was how ancient mapmakers thought of the Earth: a slab of land bustling with life, a strip of sea and then – nothing – just emptiness.

I leaned my forehead against the window and closed my eyes. If I could stay perfectly still, block out my thoughts again, I might be able to sleep when I got back to bed. But the chill glass, dripping condensation on my skin, brought me fully alert. I was shivering, rocking back and forth, and chanting the familiar, meaningless charm, ‘Oh God, oh God, help me.’ It brought no more comfort than my own clutching arms, or my head beating against the cold glass.

The darkness in my head flickered with images of flames, my ears echoed with screams, and I longed for Ruby to hold me and help me cry away the agony. ‘That’s it, baby,’ she would say, ‘you’ll feel better soon.’ And a storm of tears would exhaust me so much that I no longer felt anything. But now, alone, I couldn’t cry, and I knew that all the tears and the therapy had just been another way to keep up the barricades.

I sometimes went to church services in the early days in prison, and the chaplain talked once about what he called the dark night of the soul . It seemed a good way to describe how I felt. But, later, I read another phrase that fitted better – the torments of the damned .

For I was certainly damned for what I’d done.

The phone jolted me from sleep and I sat up, hugging my arms tight around my knees.

‘Hello Clare, it’s me. Are you there?’

I grabbed the handset. ‘Alice, your name didn’t register.’

‘I’m ringing from the surgery. I can’t talk long. Just wanted to check you were all right.’

‘I’m fine. What time is it?’

‘Half past eight. Try to get out for a bit today, won’t you. A walk will do you good.’

‘I should go and see your friend in the flower shop.’

‘Don’t rush it. I told Stella not to expect you immediately. Why not start by meeting your neighbours. The ones I talked to seemed lovely.’

In the end, I couldn’t get myself through the door. Still wearing the musty T-shirt I’d slept in, I switched on the TV and curled on the sofa in front of it, dozing and waking, dozing and waking. According to the weather forecast, it was the hottest heatwave since 1976, and when I opened the windows, all that came in was steaming air and the screeches of the gulls. I made tea and toast I didn’t finish, wanting only to sleep again.

Around four o’clock, I found myself staring at the phone. I picked it up, put it down, then tried again. At the third or fourth attempt I began to dial the number, but halfway through, I clicked to disconnect and threw the handset onto the other end of the sofa, as far from me as it would go. Then I dragged myself back to bed, pressing my face into the pillow. You coward, you fucking coward.

I didn’t leave the flat for three days. When I wasn’t huddled on the sofa or in bed, I was in the bathroom, standing under the shower, letting the water soak into me, through me, washing out the filth of five years.

Alice rang every morning, and on the second day I lied that I was going for a walk later on. Each afternoon, around four, I would sit and stare at the phone, my hands clammy, mouth dry. Once or twice I started to dial. Once, I even let it ring for half a second before clicking to disconnect, my whole body shaking.

On the fourth morning I made myself get up early, glad to see that, at last, the sun had disappeared and a light curtain of rain made the outdoors more kindly, easier to hide in. I knew I had to get out and I needed to find something decent to wear to visit the florist’s. I’d been watching and listening for my neighbours; the flat across the hall from mine seemed to be occupied by a young woman with a small child. My kitchen overlooked the front garden and I saw them, through a gap in the blinds, leaving about 8.30 every morning, and coming back around half past five.

Today the woman looked back, fair hair flopping over her face, and I jumped away from the window. It was minutes before I caught my breath, but the silence and the empty front garden reassured me they were safely out of the way.

Alice had said one upstairs flat was empty, but I heard enough from directly above to guess someone was living there: someone who liked jazz and was often walking around in the early hours, but sometimes clumped down the stairs in the morning too.

I stood by my closed front door, listening, and checking my bag yet again. My keys, the most important things of all, were still there, nestled in an inside pocket.

I had the cash Alice had given me on the first day and there was a debit card too. She’d put £5,000 in the account and told me I could have more whenever I needed it. After all, she said, Dad would have wanted that. I wasn’t so sure.

I was still inside, minutes later, with no idea what to do next: it had been so long since I’d been free to walk through a closed door. I made myself turn the knob and peep out. The hall was silent, and I stood for a moment, steadying my breath. A creak from somewhere above had me shutting the door again: leaning my head on it. Come on, come on. Get on with it, you stupid cow.