Chris Curran - Mindsight

Lorna ordered a bottle of wine and as I sipped I felt a shiver of anxiety. When I was living rough, I’d spent plenty of time out of it on cider or cheap vodka, but once I straightened myself out, got married and had the twins, I found it easy enough to drink sensibly. But I’d been happy then. There had been times in prison when I’d longed to get smashed out of my skull, to forget everything for an hour or so, and the way my life was at the moment I knew I should be careful – I’d drunk too much wine in the last day or so and enjoyed it too much.

Lorna nibbled an olive and looked at me with dark eyes that sparkled as brightly as ever. ‘And how are you, sweetheart? You look thinner, but…’ she held up a blue-veined hand, a large gold bangle encircling the elegant wrist, ‘…it suits you. Just don’t go too far will you?’

‘I won’t.’

She smiled up at the waitress unloading the little dishes of food, then said a warm, ‘Thank you’. Lorna always gave her full attention to anyone she was with, whether it was an important client of the firm or the scruffy little girl I had been. Now she turned the full beam onto me. ‘So what do you think of your handsome son?’ She forked a few slices of tomato and chorizo onto her plate and began peeling a prawn, leaving the words to do their work, but I was wise to her technique and in any case I didn’t want to keep anything from her.

‘Oh he’s wonderful, and you were right all along. I should have let him visit me. I was so stupid.’

She smiled. ‘I’m not going to argue with you there, but you’ve spent enough time letting past mistakes get in your way. I think you owe it to Tom to start afresh.’

‘The problem is he doesn’t want to believe I was to blame for the accident.’

‘Don’t forget, it took you a long time to come to terms with it, and Tom’s still very young. You have to help him.’

‘That’s what Alice says, and I’m beginning to think the only way is to try to find out the whole, ugly truth myself.’

‘Regain your memory, you mean?’ She placed the piece of bread she had been eating, very carefully, on her plate, and looked at me. ‘Is it possible after all this time?’

‘Apparently it can happen. The doctors say this kind of amnesia is sometimes a way for the mind to protect itself from something traumatic – something that’s too painful to face.’

‘Do you have any memories at all?’

‘I have dreams that seem to have something to do with it. A dark road and trees, a flash of light, clouds spinning, flames and… oh I don’t know, it may all be something my mind has put together from what I’ve heard since.’

Lorna drank some wine, looking around the little restaurant at the rough white walls covered in Spanish-style plates and bright paintings. She turned back to me. ‘So what are you going to do?’

‘I think I have to go back to where it happened. To see if anything sparks.’

‘And see Emily and Matt?’

‘I’ll have to. Although, it’s not going to be easy to talk about the accident with them.’

She touched the coil of hair at the nape of her neck. ‘You do realise that delving into the past may only mean more pain and guilt?’

I couldn’t answer.

Lorna wiped her hands and scrunched up her napkin. ‘Come on, I’ll pay for this if you make me coffee at your flat.’

We walked slowly, without talking. Lorna was limping quite badly, although she said she was fine. I could only hear those words of hers: more pain and guilt, over and over in my head . That was what I feared so much; that I would find out something even worse than I knew already. Not just that I had taken the speed deliberately, but that I had wanted to harm my family. If I had, then that would be the end. I could never try to be a real mother to Tommy again if I knew he might not be safe with me. And I couldn’t bear to live if he had to know that.

‘And what about Alice? How’s it going with her?’ Lorna asked.

I pointed to a bench and Lorna headed towards it. ‘Yes, let’s sit for a minute. This wretched knee.’ I was aware of her twisting to face me. ‘So, you and Alice? Are you getting on all right?’

I looked down, fiddling with a loose thread on my skirt. ‘She’s been wonderful, as always.’

‘But…?’ The hint of a smile in her voice.

‘I’m being my usual surly self. I’m so grateful for all she’s done, but I can’t seem to show it when we’re together.’

‘Your son’s been living with her all these years. That’s something to do with it, surely?’

‘I suppose so, but I’ve no right to resent her. I mean she gave up her chance of getting on in her career to make a home for him. And her boyfriends never seem to last long, do they? It can’t be easy to develop a relationship with a child in the picture. Someone else’s child.’

Lorna rubbed her leg and stretched it out in front of her, giving me that sweet smile of hers. ‘I remember how Alice worshipped you when you were kids and she still thinks the world of you, that’s obvious. Yes, she’s given up some things, but I know she loves Tom very much and after what happened – losing her father and Toby, and you too, in a way – I think it’s helped her to have Tom to focus on. He’s been good for her.’

By the time we reached the flat it had clouded over but was still warm, and I opened a window to let in the breeze. We sat at the table, looking over the sea that gleamed silver under the clouds, the odd ripple and tinge of green like the tarnish on an antique mirror. Lorna sighed. ‘This is beautiful, Clare. Alice did well finding this place. I could sit here all day.’

‘Trouble is, I can’t afford it.’

‘What about the money from the sale of your house?’

‘That’s still in the bank. I asked Alice to use it for Tom, but she refused so I’m going to put it towards a place for the two of us, for when he comes back to live with me. But prices have gone up so much and our house was still mortgaged and I need to save every penny I can.’

She shifted and winced, then opened her bag to find some painkillers, swallowing down a couple with a gulp of coffee. ‘But Robert left you both well provided for, surely?’

‘I can’t keep using his money. Alice wants me to, but…’

‘But what?

‘As I’ve tried to tell her, I’m not entitled to it after what I did. And anyway, she was our parents’ only real child and if she’d been born earlier they would probably never have adopted me.’

‘Clare, I’m sure that’s not true. And Alice is right, your father would be furious if he thought you’d rejected your inheritance.’

I stood and turned away, a lump choking at my throat. ‘Lorna, I killed him.’

The table creaked as she leant on it, pushing to her feet. She turned me to towards her, gripping my hands and moving them up and down to emphasise her words. ‘Now look, I knew Robert. You were the apple of his eye and he loved you as much, if not more than, Alice. He’d have hated you to ruin your own life with regrets.’

‘I gave him nothing but trouble, you know that.’

‘He was well aware that you had a hard time from your mother and, although I shouldn’t speak ill of the dead, they both bore a lot of responsibility for your problems.’

‘That doesn’t excuse what I did.’

‘He would have forgiven you even that, because he would know, as I do, that you’ve punished yourself enough.’ She sighed and released me, picking up her bag to pull out a tissue. ‘Now, will you call me a taxi, I don’t think this knee will cope with any more walking today.’

At the door I clung to her, breathing in her familiar scent. She pulled back and looked into my eyes. ‘When are you coming to visit me?’