John Bishop - How Did All This Happen?

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First published by HarperCollins Publishers 2013

FIRST EDITION

© John Bishop 2013

A catalogue record of this book is available from the British Library

All images are © the author, with the following exceptions:

Image 9 used courtesy of the Southport Visiter ; Image 10 © Runcorn & Widnes World ; Image 15 and 16 © Steve Porter (Potsy), Image 17 and 18 © Ged McCann; Image 32 © Daniel Sutka; Image 37 © Paul Home, Image 39 © Harvey Collard; Image 41 © Mark Taylor/tangerine; Image 42 © Hamish Brown, Image 43 © ITV/Kieron McCarron; Image 46 © Des Willie, Image 47 © Rhian Ap Gruffydd, Image 48 and 49 © Tom Dymond; Image 50 and 51 © Rhian Ap Gruffydd; Image 52, 53 and 54 © Rhian Ap Gruffydd, Image 55 © Tom Dymond.

Cover layout design © HarperCollins Publishers Ltd 2014 Cover photographs © Rankin

John Bishop asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work

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Source ISBN: 9780007436125

Ebook Edition © October 2013 ISBN: 9780007436156

Version: 2014-07-17

This book is dedicated to Melanie and our sons Joe, Luke and Daniel.

You give me a reason for everything.

CONTENTS

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication This book is dedicated to Melanie and our sons Joe, Luke and Daniel. You give me a reason for everything.

Acknowledgements

Foreword

1. Hello World

2. My Dad and Cars

3. A Boy Learning Adult Lessons

4. School and a Friend Called Kieran

5. Teenage Kicks

6. All I Learnt in School

7. Newcastle

8. I Don’t Eat Meat, or Fight Paratroopers

9. Moving On

10. The Manchester Years

11. The Great U S of A

12. Football

13. Time to Grow Up

14. Learning to Ride

15. Road to Bangkok

16. Indian Days

17. A Day in Buxton Changed Everything

18. A Yank Called Joe

19. A Town That Didn’t Exist

20. Marriage, Fatherhood and Idiot Friends

21. Babies, a Surprise I Didn’t Want and the Snip

22. Bad Hair Day, Removal Vans and Broken Hearts

23. Frog and Bucket

24. Sometimes I Try to Be Funny

25. We All Have to Die on Our Arse Some Time

26. Life Saver

27. How a Wardrobe Can Change Your Life

28. ‘Mum, I’m on Telly!’

29. Festival of Broken Dreams

30. We Are the Champions!

31. On Tour

32. It’s Always Better When It’s Full

33. Opportunity Knocks

34. 2010 … No Going Back

35. Sport Relief

36. A Family Day at Wembley

37. Week of Hell

Picture Section

Postscript

About the Publisher

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS CONTENTS Cover Title Page Copyright Dedication This book is dedicated to Melanie and our sons Joe, Luke and Daniel. You give me a reason for everything. Acknowledgements Foreword 1. Hello World 2. My Dad and Cars 3. A Boy Learning Adult Lessons 4. School and a Friend Called Kieran 5. Teenage Kicks 6. All I Learnt in School 7. Newcastle 8. I Don’t Eat Meat, or Fight Paratroopers 9. Moving On 10. The Manchester Years 11. The Great U S of A 12. Football 13. Time to Grow Up 14. Learning to Ride 15. Road to Bangkok 16. Indian Days 17. A Day in Buxton Changed Everything 18. A Yank Called Joe 19. A Town That Didn’t Exist 20. Marriage, Fatherhood and Idiot Friends 21. Babies, a Surprise I Didn’t Want and the Snip 22. Bad Hair Day, Removal Vans and Broken Hearts 23. Frog and Bucket 24. Sometimes I Try to Be Funny 25. We All Have to Die on Our Arse Some Time 26. Life Saver 27. How a Wardrobe Can Change Your Life 28. ‘Mum, I’m on Telly!’ 29. Festival of Broken Dreams 30. We Are the Champions! 31. On Tour 32. It’s Always Better When It’s Full 33. Opportunity Knocks 34. 2010 … No Going Back 35. Sport Relief 36. A Family Day at Wembley 37. Week of Hell Picture Section Postscript About the Publisher

This book is the book I never thought I would write, because I never imagined I would have lived the life that appears in these pages. I don’t regard my life as anything special: like everyone else, there have been times when I have been so happy I have cried and so sad that there was nothing left to do but laugh. Yet to reach the point of putting it all on paper required the help of various people, some of whom I wish to thank here. I have to thank James Rampton who helped me sift through my thoughts to make what is on the page make sense. Everyone at HarperCollins, particularly Anna Valentine for her support from the first meeting to this eventually being printed; a support that has made all the difference. Gemma Feeney at Etch PR for getting people interested in this book. Lisa Thomas, my agent, business partner and friend who took me on when nobody else wanted me and changed my world. Everyone at LTM for their support, especially Emily Saunders, who manages to know what I should be doing when I have no idea. To the lads – you know who you are and, before you worry, this is my story, not our story, so hopefully no divorces will result from these pages. Thank you for your friendship, for the memories and mostly for the material. I have to thank my mum and dad for guiding me through childhood to becoming the person I am today, and thank Eddie, Kathy and Carol for being on that journey with me as part of the Bishop family. You were the people who made the foundations of the man I am today and I will forever be grateful for that love. My wife, Melanie, I have to thank because in so many ways she is the glue that holds these pages together and without her I am not sure there would be much of a story to tell. My three sons, Joe, Luke and Daniel, to whom I am nothing more than just a pain-in-the-arse dad but who have filled my heart in ways I probably have never been the best at showing. I have to thank my dog Bilko – he doesn’t know it, but badgering me for a walk often allowed me to get my head clear when I didn’t know what to write next. I finally want to thank everyone who has ever bothered to come and see me perform. Comedy changed my life, but without an audience I would just be a man talking to himself and, having done that too many times, I will always appreciate you being there, perhaps more than you will ever know.