Edgar Ragged - King Dong

At a nod from the Skipper, the coxswain had crept up behind Able Seaman Obote, and now brought a belaying pin down on the dusky sailor’s head with a solid thwack.

Obote’s eyes glazed over. ‘QED,’ he said, and collapsed.

‘Goddamn pinko liberal commie political activisht.’ The Skipper kicked the unconscious Obote into the bilges as the boat shot through the surf. ‘In oars, men!’ he commanded. ‘Break out the riflesh!’

As the boat ran up the sand of the beach, eager hands tore at the long wooden boxes that had been loaded from the Vulture. The lids flew off, and their contents lay exposed.

There was an awkward silence.

‘Ah,’ said Deadman. ‘I guess Ray must have run out of room to store his costumes and – ah – made some extra room by – ah – dumping the rifles and using the crates …’ His voice tailed off.

Rumbuggery made an executive decision. ‘Back to the ship, men!’

‘But what about the guy on the horse?’ demanded Deadman. ‘We can’t just leave him here to be speared to death by those cannibals.’

‘How do you know they’re cannibals?’ cried Obote, who had just come round. ‘Cannibalism is comparatively rare in pre-industrial societies. You just have a negative and stereotypical view of any ethnic group you deem to fall short of the arbitrary standards of your so-called civilization …’

Thwack!

‘Well done, coxswain.’ The Skipper glared at Deadman. ‘I’m not going to washte my men’s lives on a futile geshture.’ He pointed unsteadily at the oncoming war party. ‘What are we shupposed to fight them off with, seashellsh?’

‘Wait!’ Deadman was examining the flimsy contents of the crates. ‘I’ve got an idea, Skipper. Give me one minute.’

The Skipper sighed.‘ ‘One minute. And thish had better be good.’

‘Right. You men – with me!’ Deadman snatched a double armful of costumes from the crate and led the party he had selected into a nearby stand of trees.

The chase was approaching its climax. The rider had nearly reached the boats when his horse stumbled and fell. He pitched headlong from the saddle and landed, rolling. His mount gave a broken-winded neigh, and expired.

‘Come on, man!’ cried Rumbuggery.

To the astonishment of the crew, the rider, on picking himself up, stumbled back to the horse and began to fumble with the saddlebags.

‘Are you crazy?’ demanded the Skipper. ‘Get over here or you’re a kebab for sure!’

Indeed, the refugee was now within throwing range of the war party. Spears rained around him as he tugged desperately at something caught in the saddlebag beneath the horse. Eventually, whatever it was came free, just as a spear went straight through the man’s fedora, knocking it from his head. He turned, a cloth-wrapped parcel in his arms, and stumbled towards the safety of the boats, clutching the bundle to his chest. From the way he was moving, the parcel obviously contained something heavy.

Then he put a hand to his head, looked frantically about, and went back for his hat.

As his hand touched the brim, he was surrounded. The boat crew looked on in helpless horror as the pursuers loomed over the doomed refugee, raising their dreadful, razor-sharp weapons, ready to stab, rend and tear …

‘Cooo-eeee!’

Startled, the ebony warriors turned. Emerging from the jungle’s edge came a chorus line of the ugliest, hairiest matelots in the Vulture ’s crew, all wearing rouge on their cheeks, curly blonde wigs, and high-waisted print dresses that revealed far too much of their preternaturally unlovely thighs. Mugging furiously, and making a variety of horrendously cute gestures, they falsettoed:

‘On the good ship sodapop

You can get sick at the toffee shop

And throw up all day

On the sunny beach of Sugarplum Bay …’

The warriors’ eyes widened. Their hair stood on end, their knees knocked. They moaned and gibbered with primeval terror.

‘Aiiieeeee!’ cried one, pointing a quivering finger. ‘Shirleey Tempellleee!’

‘Shirleey Tempellleee!’ echoed the others. ‘Aiiieeeee!’

Casting aside their weapons in their panic, the war party turned on its heel and fled back the way it had come, leaving its intended victim sprawled on the sand.

Captain Rumbuggery turned a disapproving glance on Deadman as the latter strolled out of the forest, smoking a cigar and grinning from ear to ear. ‘Shirley Temple impersonations? That was a pretty low trick to play on a proud warrior race.’

Deadman’s grin grew even wider. ‘Don’t knock it. It worked.’

Released from the momentary sobriety into which the crisis had thrust him, the Skipper weaved towards the stranger. ‘Who the hell are you?’

The dusty figure raised its perforated fedora. ‘Indiana Bones. Pleased to meet you.’ He passed out.

‘Likewishe,’ said the Skipper. And followed suit.

Back on the Vulture , an impromptu conference took place on the aft deck. Several of the shore party were present; except for those who, following their appearance as the curly-haired moppet of popular movie fame, had already attracted partners from the salacious crew and retired below. Captain Rumbuggery having been lashed into his bunk with an attack of the blue devils, Deadman took the chair for the interrogation of the fugitive.

‘So you’re Indiana Bones, intrepid explorer and inveterate tomb-robber. What were you doing to be chased by those guys?’

Indiana Bones waggled his fingers through the holes in his fedora and sighed. ‘It took me years to get this hat so sweaty and grungy. Now look at it. I guess I’ll have to start all over again.’ He took another long pull at the bottle that had earlier been torn from the screaming Skipper’s clutching fingers. ‘What was I doing? That’s a long story …’

‘Then let’s have the abridged version. We’re in a hurry.’ Deadman pointed to the wrapped bundle that Indiana had, despite all blandishments, refused to part with since his rescue. ‘For starters, what is that thing?’

Indiana gave him a cunning look. ‘That’s what they were after. I recovered it, at great personal risk, from the Lost Temple of Werarwee.’

‘The Temple of Werarwee?’

‘Yes – I said it was lost. I risked life, limb and academic credibility to break into the innermost sanctum. It was a deadly game of cat and mouse.’ The energetic archaeologist shuddered at the recollection. ‘The big round rock that chased me, that was the worst. And the spikes that shot out of the floor and ceiling as the roof came down, that was the worst, too. And the room where the gap between the walls got smaller and smaller, and the rats, and the poison darts, and the revolving blades, and the pit of snakes –’

‘But what were you after?’ Fey Ray, who had taken an instant and obvious shine to the rugged adventurer, was sitting at Indiana’s feet, listening with rapt attention to this preposterous farrago of lies. ‘What in the world is so precious that you would risk your body and soul in such an insanely dangerous quest?’

Indiana leered at his audience and slowly unwrapped the parcel in his lap. ‘The solid gold knobkerrie of Shaka Zulu.’

There was a spontaneous intake of breath from the onlookers.

‘Look at the length of that thing,’ murmured one.

‘It’s solid gold,’ breathed another.

‘And very knobbly,’ gasped a third.

‘Lemme see.’ Unnoticed, Ann had joined the conference. Indiana looked up to see who had spoken – and pointed like a retriever. An idiotic smile played across his rugged features. His eyes glinted. Ray pouted.

Ann reached for Indiana’s treasure. Eyeing her like a wolfhound declaring an interest in a nice, juicy ham-hock, Indiana handed it over.