Richard Webber - The Complete A–Z of Everything Carry On

BOGGS: Thank you, Mr Bulstrode.

BULSTRODE: Yes, indeed. (Producing box.)A cigarette?

BOGGS: Thank you.

BULSTRODE: Just help yourself.

(Leaves open box in front of BOGGS and picks up telephone.)

BULSTRODE: Coffees please for myself and Mr Boggs.

(Replaces telephone.)

BULSTRODE: Well, this is very good news. Very good indeed.

BOGGS: I thought you’d be pleased.

BULSTRODE: I’m delighted, Mr Boggs. I don’t mind telling you I’ve always had complete confidence in the ability of your firm.

BOGGS: You’re too kind. Naturally there are one or two difficulties to be overcome yet.

BULSTRODE: (Getting wary again.)Yes?

BOGGS: As this is to be a completely new line for us, we’ll have to invest in new moulds and various other things which I won’t bother you with.

BULSTRODE: I understand, yes …

BOGGS: But a short term loan of … oh, fifteen hundred should cover it.

(BULSTRODE starts fiddling with his hearing aid.)

BULSTRODE: I don’t seem to be hearing you, Mr Boggs.

BOGGS: (Louder.)I shall require a short term loan of fifteen hundred pounds!

BULSTRODE: That’s what I thought you said! That’s quite impossible, Mr Boggs. You’re already in debt to us for too much as it is!

(He grabs the cigarette box, snaps lid shut and puts it back in his drawer.)

BULSTRODE: I cannot authorise any more. I hate to appear mean, Mr Boggs, but I’m sorry.

(And he picks up telephone again.)

BULSTRODE: Cancel that coffee!

BUMBLE, MAYOR FREDERICK

Played by Kenneth Connor

The mayor of Fircombe is seen in Girls. An ineffectual man who’s regarded as a joke around the streets of this seaside town, he’s booed off the stage while preparing to say a few words at the Miss Fircombe beauty contest. Married to Mildred, a slovenly woman who does little for his status in the town.

BUMBLE, MILDRED

Played by Patsy Rowlands

The frumpish wife of Frederick Bumble does little to improve her husband’s standing as mayor of Fircombe, a seaside town in desperate need of a makeover. A heavy smoker, who spends much of her time in the lavatory or slouching around in her slippers and dressing-gown, much to Frederick’s disgust, who classes her as an ‘old compost heap’. When she can’t take her husband’s pomposity any more, she joins Augusta Prodworthy’s women’s lib movement. Seen in Girls.

BUNG, DETECTIVE SERGEANT SIDNEY

Played by Harry H. Corbett

In charge of investigations into the disappearance of Doris Mann, the sixth woman to vanish from Hocombe Woods within the year. Unhappily married to Emily, he accepts any chance to return to work, and ends up leaving his wife to be looked after by Virula Watt, whom he meets while sorting out the Mann case. He appears in Screaming!

BUNG, EMILY

Played by Joan Sims

The miserable, nagging wife of Detective Sergeant Sidney Bung who ends up being turned into a mannequin in Screaming! Just to prove there was not the slightest whiff of romance left in their relationship, Sidney decided to leave her as a dummy when he had the chance to return her to normality, preferring the charms of Virula Watt instead.

BUNGHIT DIN

Played by Bernard Bresslaw

The leader of the Burpas who’s based in the hill town of Jacksi in Afghanistan. Seen in Up The Khyber causing confusion and mayhem for the men of the 3rd Foot and Mouth company.

BUNGHIT’S SERVANT

Played by David Spenser

As the Khasi and Bunghit are lounging, whilst Jelhi plays and sings in Up The Khyber, the servant enters and announces that the chiefs have arrived, opening their eyes to the fact that the ones they’ve been entertaining are impostors.

BUNN WARD

A ward in Finisham Maternity Hospital. Seen in Matron.

BUNNY WAITRESS

Played by Shirley Stelfox

Works at the Whippit Inn in At Your Convenience. While serving Lewis Boggs and Myrtle Plummer, who are dining out at the inn, Lewis doesn’t know where to look when she leans over in her low-cut bunny outfit.

BUREAU OF INTERNAL AFFAIRS

Based in Washington, the Commissioner of the Bureau is seen in Cowboy , initially enjoying a bit of fun with a woman in his office until interrupted by Perkins, his assistant. A former janitor at the law school Judge Burke attended, he responds to Burke’s request for a peace marshal at Stodge City but can’t find anyone to fill the position until Marshall P. Knutt walks in looking for a job. Assuming he’s actually a marshal, he packs him off to Stodge City.

BURGER, COMMANDANT

Played by Kenneth Williams

In charge of the Foreign Legion unit in Follow That Camel, Maximillion Burger used to teach fencing at a Viennese finishing school before donning the legion’s uniform. While working in Vienna he met and fell in love with Lady Jane Ponsonby; when their relationship ended he found solace in escaping city life for the openness of the Sahara. Can’t believe his eyes, though, when his old girlfriend turns up in the middle of the desert.

BURKE, GRIPPER

Played by Bernard Bresslaw

A professional wrestler who’s been fighting in America for years before returning home to his previous girlfriend, Esme Crowfoot. Seen in Loving, this man-mountain acts like an animal and isn’t to be messed around with, which Sidney Bliss – who fancied his chances with Esme before Gripper appeared on the scene – finds out. After rekindling their relationship, Gripper and Esme get engaged.

BURKE, JUDGE

Played by Kenneth Williams

An attorney by profession, Judge Burke is also mayor of Stodge City; he has strict views regarding how the place should be run, preventing impropriety by demanding no shooting, fighting, boozing, gambling and ‘no nothing’. His influence vanishes, though, the moment Johnny Finger, alias the Rumpo Kid, rides into town.

The Burke family has been resident in the area ever since his great-grandfather sailed to America on the Mayflower, married into the Wright family and became a ‘Wright Burke’. Seen in Cowboy.

BURKE, SIR EDMUND

Played by Derek Francis

The irascible chairman of the Borough County Hospital’s committee, he presides over Dr Kilmore’s disciplinary hearing in Doctor . He says he’s prepared to listen to Kilmore’s case fairly despite the young doctor having bumped into his Jag, but doesn’t seem to live up to his word when he quickly asks Kilmore if he’s a sex maniac.

BURPA AT DOOR-GRID

Played by Larry Taylor

Seen in Up The Khyber guarding the door at Bunghit Din’s house in Jacksi.

BURPA GUARD

Played by Steven Scott

In Up The Khyber , the Burpa Guard gets knocked out by Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond. Tasked with guarding the jailed British soldiers who tried to recover the embarrassing photo of the Devils in Skirts wearing underpants.

BURPA IN CROWD

Played by Patrick Westwood

Seen in Up The Khyber, the Burpa shouts from a crowd which has gathered to hear the Khasi of Kalabar’s cries of help in his planned uprising against the British. The Burpa isn’t confident that they could topple the Brits.

BURPA ON ROOFTOP

Played by John Hallam

Just as the Burpas prepare to attack the British governor’s residency in Up The Khyber, Bunghit Din and the Khasi of Kalabar hear music drifting through the air. Bunghit asks the Burpa what he can see and reports back that the British have sat for dinner, despite shells and bullets flying around them.

BURT

Played by George Mossman

For Burt in Cowboy , see ‘Stage Coach Driver’.