Lorelei Mathias - Break-Up Club - A smart, funny novel about love and friendship

A division of HarperCollins Publishers

www.harpercollins.co.uk

MAZE

HarperCollins Publishers Ltd

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London SE1 9GF

www.harpercollins.co.uk

First published in Great Britain by HarperCollins Publishers 2016 as Reader, I Dumped Him …

This edition published by HarperCollins Publishers 2016

Copyright © Lorelei Mathias 2016

Cover design by Holly Macdonald © HarperCollins Publishers Ltd 2016

Cover illustrations © Shutterstock.com

Lorelei Mathias asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.

A catalogue record of this book is available from the British Library.

This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.

Ebook Edition © May 2016 ISBN: 9780008202330

Version: 2017-01-09

This book is dedicated to:

Katie and Mark

The memory of my Dad and Evie

And anyone, anywhere, who has ever had a break up.

Table of Contents

Cover

Title Page LORELEI MATHIAS Break-Up Club A division of HarperCollins Publishers www.harpercollins.co.uk

Copyright MAZE HarperCollins Publishers Ltd 1 London Bridge Street London SE1 9GF www.harpercollins.co.uk First published in Great Britain by HarperCollins Publishers 2016 as Reader, I Dumped Him … This edition published by HarperCollins Publishers 2016 Copyright © Lorelei Mathias 2016 Cover design by Holly Macdonald © HarperCollins Publishers Ltd 2016 Cover illustrations © Shutterstock.com Lorelei Mathias asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work. A catalogue record of this book is available from the British Library. This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins. Ebook Edition © May 2016 ISBN: 9780008202330 Version: 2017-01-09

Dedication This book is dedicated to: Katie and Mark The memory of my Dad and Evie And anyone, anywhere, who has ever had a break up.

Prologue Prologue ‘What does not kill me makes me stronger’ (Nietzsche) * * just how many break ups did you have, Freddy?

The Rules of Break-Up Club – ‘to Our Members, We’re the First Emergency Service’.

Part One

1. Tunnel Vision

2. Airbrushing

3. Holloway

4. Habana

5. Unexpected Item in the Bagging Area

6. Recalculating

7. Break-Up and Smell the Coffee

8. Don’t u… 4Get About Me

Part Two

9. And Then There Were Four

10. The Cistern Chapel

11. Love Don’t Live Here Anymore

12. Status Anxiety

13. Friday, I’m Not in Love

14. Bang and the Pain Is Gone

15. Niche Quiche

16. Like Buses

17. When the Night Meets the Morning Sun

18. Back in the Foetal Position

19. Bang on Trend

20. When Harry Met Holly

21. She Who Is Tired of London

22. Departures

23. Bleak Camping

24. Leaving on a Jet Plane

25. Somebody That I Used to Know

26. Eating for Two

Part Three

27. Here’s What You Could’ve Won

28. Mind the Gap

29. Forrest Grump

30. The ex-Orcist

31. Ctrl Alt Del Ldn

32. Out With the Old

33. Resolutions

34. Broke-Up Club

35. Traffic Wardens

36. Alight Here

Epilogue

Reader, I Left Him

‘Out-Breaks’ – Scenes From the Cutting-Room Floor

Acknowledgements

About the Author

About the Publisher

‘What does not kill me makes me stronger’

(Nietzsche) *

* just how many break ups did you have, Freddy?

#1 – The first rule of Break-up Club is, you do not talk about Break-up Club.

#2 – The second rule of Break-up Club is, you do not talk about Break-up Club with your ex.

#3 – If this is your first night at Break-up Club, you will be expected to cry.

Uncontrollably.

#4 – Meetings take place once a week, every Sunday.

#5 – Each member must be prepared to perform Initiation (otherwise known as Brunch Duty). You shall deliver croissants and a smile to the residence of a new recruit on their First Weekend As A Singleton.

#6 – No Face-Stalking. Exes should be de-friended no later than 48 hours after a break-up. Phone numbers should be deleted or re-saved under the name ‘Don’t Answer’.

#7 – Members must be prepared to drop everything in the event of a Crisis Meeting. Common triggers range from a member relapsing with an ex, to an outbreak of F.I.H. (Facebook-Induced Hysteria).

#8 – Members must be willing to accept phone calls from co-members at any time of day or night, and talk them down from the bridge.

#9 – Hook-ups between co-members are strictly prohibited.

#10 – For their own protection, members must respect the N.G.Z. (No-Go Zones) imposed by a break-up. N.G.Z.s fall into three categories – Locational, Musical and Gifting. However, your ex does not have long-term sole custody of Bob Dylan or Streatham Hill, and a time will come when you’ll be able to assert the first major bastion of Break-up Club (BUC) law: The Reclaim.

#11 – Understand the two absolutes of break-ups:

i) Eventually, you will be OK. You will recover.

ii) You absolutely cannot imagine ever feeling OK again. Ever.

Signed: Bella, Olivia, Harry

249A Fortess Road, Tufnell Park, London.

*

‘Go on then,’ Bella said, holding an old-fashioned fountain pen up to Holly’s face.

Holly stared at the pen, watching it go in and out of focus, her eyes thick with tears. Everyone was staring. It was not unlike being back on the school playground. She was half expecting a football to come and thwack her round the head. She looked down at the epic list of rules and wondered how it had all come to this. What was next? Laminated membership cards? A ten per cent loyalty discount at Thornton’s?

‘Yeah, Folly, sign,’ Olivia said. ‘What are you waiting for?’