Em Muslin - Before You Were Mine - the breathtaking USA Today Bestseller

‘Hey, fat girl, ya want some of this?’

‘Smelly Eli’s got the fattest belly.’

Now I know you think it’s because I was a coward that I got off and they did too, but I just couldn’t stay in that stinking heat any longer. As soon as I saw the next stop approaching, I leapt up and waddled off the bus as quick as I could.

‘Oh, shit man, she’s wet herself.’

‘That’s disgustin’, fatty.’

They shouted more, but thankfully the bus doors shut to and, as all the windows were closed, the only taunting left was Johnny silently mooning me from the back of the bus. As I staggered to sit down in the gutter, with two blocks ’til the hospital, I could feel the warm bloodied fluid trickling down my legs, staining my cotton socks.

*

Day had turned to night and there were still no sign of Daisy or my Ma. I knew they’d had a lot to do. Ma was in charge of all the girls entering the pageant and Daisy had only been too glad to help.

I’d asked the nurses who kept checking in on me if perhaps they had turned up and had been sent the wrong way, but they all shook their heads solemnly, felt my pulse, checked my temperature, gave me some oxygen, and left the room. I don’t think the pain could have got any worse and as much as I tried to breathe, it was becoming more and more difficult.

The nurses were fairly kind. I knew what they were thinking: the same as everyone else; but at least they waited until they weren’t in earshot to express their thoughts. One in particular seemed to take a shine to me and held my hand as I puffed and panted. Her hand seemed so soft in mine and I shall never forget how gently she stroked my fevered brow with a cold wet flannel.

I hadn’t meant to cry but it felt so good to be shown such tenderness, when I was in so much pain. I had tried to be so brave, so that when my Ma turned up, she wouldn’t think I was a crybaby, but I swear it hurt so bad I couldn’t help it. Every time the doors swung open, I glanced up in the hope that it would be her.

I knew she probably would have had to prepare the boys’ supper before coming out and I guess that would take a little time, but I could see the clock on the wall had gone eleven in the evening. I wasn’t sure what time the buses ran until, especially with tomorrow being July Fourth an’ all and I was usually in bed by nine, but I thought they must run to and fro ’til pretty late. The shift workers from the mill caught it most of the night. Perhaps the note I had left had blown off the table in the breeze; perhaps something awful had happened to her. I know, I know, in my heart of hearts I knew, but you have to trust me on this one: this wasn’t the time for facing home truths.

One truth I couldn’t hide from was Daisy. As quick as day had turned to night, so had Daisy. You gotta understand that I was as surprised as her, so it’s not like I could prepare myself for breaking the news, but it seemed to me she took it the worst out of all of us. Thankfully her and my Ma were there for one another. They proved to be a great support for each other. Solid as a rock. Cold as stone.

I don’t know whether it was because it was such a shock, but from the moment she found out, from the moment anyone found out, it was as though they couldn’t talk to me. Not only did they think I had become deaf, but it seemed as though they thought I had been struck dumb as well. From spending every possible moment together, Daisy couldn’t get away from me fast enough. The girl who had teased the boys, skipping hopscotch with her skirt held high, had suddenly became so prudish that she could no longer look her friend in the eye.

I was the elephant in the room.

Not even Daisy had asked who the boy could have been. She simply raised her eyebrows and shook her head, taking my Ma’s hand in hers. No mention of the fact she’d left me alone to while away the afternoons, whilst she hung out with the boys on the promise I wouldn’t say a word. No mention of the fact I’d often smell booze on her breath and I’d hide her in my room, ’til she passed out and then finally awakened, her eyelashes aflutter, just in time for tea.

Don’t get me wrong, my Ma had begged and pleaded to know who he was, but as I curled up sobbing on my bed, the grazes still on my knees, I couldn’t bear to pick the scab. I was desperate for it to heal.

It had gone two in the morning, when the pain I believed couldn’t get any worse took it upon itself to prove me very, very wrong. I tried to hold off pressing the emergency button at the side of my bed for as long as I could – as the last thing I wanted was to be was more trouble – but to say I were scared doesn’t come close.

Within minutes of the alarm going off, doctors and nurses flocked into the ward, and I guess taking one look at my face they knew something was wrong. Now, I ain’t under the impression that they didn’t care, but I think it was more the thought of a dead fourteen-year-old girl on their hands that made them rush in so fast. Even in my half-conscious state and not exactly being experienced with going through labour, I knew something wasn’t quite right.

I don’t know how many hours had passed, or how many times they had changed the drip, but I knew it had been a while, as it had become light again. In the end, they had to cut me up right there and then and pull you out. As soon as they lifted my baby girl from my tummy, I thought about my Ma and how she chased the matron from the room with the surgical scissors and I knew – when I saw the pinky-blue little girl, my little girl, in the nurse’s arms – exactly how she felt.

Wanting to hold you in my arms, I leaned forward to take you. I held you for a moment, your fingers curled around mine, but before I knew it, the nurse had snipped the cord and walked right out of the room, taking my baby with her. As she walked away, I stared at the door, and there she was, my Ma, staring right at me; but as soon as I caught her eye, she looked away.

The nurse who’d taken you soon returned and I tried to steady myself so that I could hold my little girl, but her arms were empty. In her hand she held only a clipboard and pen and she handed them to my Ma. Hesitating only momentarily, my Ma signed whatever the nurse had passed her. Without giving me a second look, my Ma turned on her heels and walked away.

CHAPTER 3

‘I saw her.’

Tommy was already halfway up the stairs when Eli called to him from the kitchen. She should have worn a groove into the floor with the amount of pacing she’d done, waiting for him to get on home. Eli stood sweating in her cornflower dress, stinking of pickles, the Alabama spring already beginning to rise.

‘I think I saw her.’ Eli’s voice faltered a little.

‘Who?’ Tommy continued on up.

‘I think I saw her, Tommy. Today. At the store.’

Her husband poked his head over the banister at the top. He was dressed in his usual oil-stained blue overalls, black-greased fingers clutching on to the railing.

‘Who you talkin’ ’bout?

Eli felt her eyes glass over.

Tommy paused on the stairs and walked back down.

‘What’s goin’ on? Saw who?’

Eli stared at Tommy, her vision blurred.

‘I went to the store an’ …’ She lifted her bandaged hand.

‘What the hell? What you do?’

‘Nothin’. I slipped. Tommy, it were her; I’m sure of it.’

Tommy stood, a smear of grease or something on his stubbled chin, lost for words.

‘I know what ya’re thinking, but she were there. In front o’ me,’ Eli said.

Tommy shook his head, obviously trying to compute what the hell was going on. He walked over to the fridge and grabbed a tin of beer. Eli followed him.

‘Just listen.’ Eli placed her bandaged hand against his chest.