Nigel Smith - Nathalia Buttface and the Most Epically Embarrassing Trip Ever

“How much was it?” said the crafty man, who was called Mick and had been trained to be suspicious. It had earned him his nickname.

“A tenner,” said Dad without thinking, falling into the trap.

Nat put her head in her hands. A tenner? she thought. From a POUND SHOP? Oh, Dad, we’re doomed …

“Ha! Oh really?” said Suspicious Mick happily. “I’m not sure about that. Not sure one little bit. Something’s not right about this story. I think I want a look at this famous picnic basket.”

There was nothing they could do. Their epic journey was over before it had even begun. Dad opened the slidy van door and Suspicious Mick took hold of the basket lid. He wafted the air, which was still smelling grim. “If you’ve got egg sandwiches in there, they’re off,” he said.

This is it , thought Nat. I wonder if they have a prison cell on the ship or if they still make you walk the plank. Oh well , as long as I get to see Dad go overboard first. Hope there’re sharks …

Suspicious Mick lifted the lid.

“I can explain …” began Dad.

The basket was empty.

“Oh. No, I can’t,” said Dad.

ooking on the bright side …” said Dad, as he and Nat ran around the deck of the crowded ship looking for the missing Darius and the Dog, “he could always get a job in a circus. You know, escaping from things. You can get on telly doing that.”

“There’s no bright side if he’s escaped right off this ferry and we never see him again,” said Nat angrily, peeking under a lifeboat cover. “And that’s not really a proper job anyway. You told me that joining a circus is NOT a proper job.”

Dad thought for a moment. Nat watched as the bright lights on the deck showed up all the wrinkles in his forehead. “I remember that conversation,” he said. “You said you wanted to be a lion tamer.” A few passengers who had come outside to look at the sea began listening to their conversation.

Dad carried on. “You practised lion taming on next door’s guinea pigs.” An elderly couple in matching pink and blue anoraks looked at Nat and went “Aaaah” in that way old people in anoraks do.

“That’s so sweet, isn’t it, Ernie?” shouted the old lady to her husband, who was a bit deaf. “She started on guinea pigs.” Dad turned to the couple, glad of a chance to talk about his wonderful little girl.

“Oh, but you don’t know the best bit,” Dad smiled.

“He said you don’t know the best bit ,” shouted the old lady to her husband, loudly enough for him to hear, which meant loudly enough for everyone within fifty metres to hear as well.

Nat looked quickly around for somewhere to hide and made a note in her head to get Darius to teach HER how to disappear.

“She tried to lion-tame some cows in a field when we were having a picnic,” Dad went on. “She spent an hour trying to get them to jump through a hula hoop.”

Nat saw a little metal door with a sign on which read KEEP OUT – CREW ONLY. She tried the handle and found it wasn’t locked. Nat hated breaking rules, but it was this or suffer yet another one of Dad’s embarrassing tales about her, so … she opened the door and slipped quietly inside.

Out on deck, Dad was just getting to the best bit:

“Then the farmer came and shouted at her to stop bothering his cows as it would put them off milking. But when the cows saw him they thought it was time to get milked, so they started running towards him.

“Problem was, Nathalia was right in their way. She realised they weren’t going to stop. The farmer was shouting, she was screaming and running as fast as her tiny little skinny legs would carry her.

“Which wasn’t that fast because she slipped in one cow pat and went face-first in another. It was soooooo funny!”

“He said then the little girl went face-first in cow poo !” shouted the old lady.

“Oh that IS funny, he’s quite right,” said the old man. “Is he part of the entertainment? Should we give him a tip?”

“It put her off lion-taming for life,” said Dad, chuckling. He looked around for the star of his story. “Hmmm,” he said. “Where’s she gone?”

The room Nat was hiding in was small and dark. It was a kind of store room, full of stuff some people tell other people will be useful one day. Nat hadn’t put the light on but she felt safe in the gloom – right until the moment someone tapped her on the shoulder and said:

“Boo.”

She gave a shriek of fright and jumped about two feet in the air, landing with a crash on some boxes of Styrofoam cups. The box burst and the squeaky cups scattered on to the floor.

“Shush,” said Darius, coming out of his hiding place, “you’ll attract attention. If we were escaping from a prisoner of war camp, you’d have been shot by now.”

Nat grabbed him by the hair. “It’s not a machine-gun tower you need to worry about,” she said. “It’s being strangled by me.”

They rolled around on the squeaky cups for a while, Nat getting in some good pinches and a fair amount of strangling, until the Dog jumped between them, licking them both into submission. Finally Nat let go and sat there, panting. “Do not creep up on me again,” she said, chucking a pack of dishcloths at his head. “Anyway, how did you escape without being seen?”

“It was easy,” he replied, rubbing his bruises. “I’m pretty good at getting out of small dark places. I’ve had tons of practice.” Not for the first time, Nat suddenly felt sorry for her friend, and went from wanting to murder him to wanting to hug him. She HATED the way he did that to her, so she bashed him with a mop.

Before she could say anything more, Dad popped his head round the door. “You in here, love?” he said. “There are loads of people outside who want to meet the famous cow-tamer.”

The Dog bounded out to him, and then Dad noticed Darius. “Oh, we wondered where you’d got to,” he said cheerfully. “Come on, the canteen’s open. Last chance for pork pies and pickled eggs before Paris.” He looked the boy up and down briefly, making sure he was in one piece, then they all trundled off for something to eat and that was that.

One of the few things Nat ever admitted she liked about her idiot dad was that he wasn’t one of those ‘asking-loads-of-difficult-questions’ dads. He just got on with it. And went to buy a pork pie and a pickled egg.