Nigel Smith - Nathalia Buttface and the Totally Embarrassing Bridesmaid Disaster

“Blech, you flup glupp cowpig,” Nat coughed, coming up for air. “You did that on purpose. Who was it?”

The other bridesmaids just laughed nastily and pretended to look innocent.

“It’s very slippy in here, little girl,” said Second Assistant Bridesmaid Bella Drench, who Nat reckoned had definitely done it.

“It’s dangerous, getting pampered,” said Tilly Saddle smugly.

“You might be better off sitting back in the minibus with some crisps and a fizzy drink,” simpered Erin, who had a tiny fleck of mud stuck on the end of a moustache hair.

“Nothing too greasy though… ” said Annie Chicken, nose stud quivering meanly.

“No, she doesn’t want to get MORE spots, does she?” cackled Daisy, as the others all joined in the laughter.

Not for the first time in her life, Nat wished Darius was lurking nearby. He might be a tiny evil ninja of doom, but he was HER tiny evil ninja of doom, and that’s just what this rotten lot needs, thought Nat, pulling lumps of sour-smelling mud from her hair and spitting great gobs of it back into the bath.

“Ew,” said the bridesmaids.

“Shuddup,” said Nat, in her best Darius/evil ninja of doom voice.

“Hardly perfect Third Assistant Fairy Princess Bridesmaid behaviour,” said Daisy, sharply.

“I don’t care,” snarled Nat. “I never wanted to be Third Assistant Fairy Princess Bridesmaid anyway…” she began.

“I told you!” said Daisy, looking at the others. “She wants to be Second Assistant Fairy Princess Bridesmaid.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” said Nat.

“No, she wants to be Chief Fairy Princess Bridesmaid!” said Tilly Saddle, gasping in horror.

“You’re bonkers,” said Nat, “and more than that, you’re all a bunch of—”

“OK girls,” interrupted Gertie Catflap as she burst back into the room, “time to get showered off. Follow me.”

Nat and the other bridesmaids were led to a small shower room decorated all over with blue and white shiny, tiny tiles. But instead of the usual shower nozzles on the walls, there was just one great big hose.

“This is a high-pressure hose,” said Gertie Catflap, “to help get all that sticky mud off. It is quite powerful though, so you do have to be careful. Do you want me to hose you down, or would it be more super-fun to do it yourselves?”

“Oooh let us, we just love super fun, don’t we girls?” said Daisy, grabbing the hose.

“No, can you do it?” said Nat, who didn’t like Daisy’s tone.

“All right, you can do it,” said Gertie Catflap not hearing Nat, “but do be careful, it’s very high pressure. Don’t go mad!” She closed the tiled door behind her.

“Of course,” said Daisy Wetwipe. “I’m not mad…”

She grinned at Nat.

“I’m furious,” she whispered.

Contents Cover Title Page Copyright Dedication To Michèle, for pretending I’m not as embarrassing as Dad. And thank you to Ruth, for the awesome idea, the amazing editing and the annoying nagging about finishing the flipping book. NS Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three Chapter Four Chapter Five Chapter Six Chapter Seven Chapter Eight Chapter Nine Chapter Ten Chapter Eleven Chapter Twelve Chapter Thirteen Chapter Fourteen Chapter Fifteen Chapter Sixteen Chapter Seventeen Chapter Eighteen Chapter Nineteen Chapter Twenty Chapter Twenty-One Chapter Twenty-Two Chapter Twenty-Three Chapter Twenty-Four Chapter Twenty-Five Chapter Twenty-Six Chapter Twenty-Seven Chapter Twenty-Eight Chapter Twenty-Nine Read more from Nathalia Buttface About the Author Rave Reviews for Nathalia Buttface About the Publisher

“I’m actually quite clean,” said Nat, scraping bits of drying mud off herself as she tried to make a break for the door but discovered her knees were locked together with gloop.

Daisy was way too fast. Nat was backed against the wall as the Chief Bridesmaid pointed the hose at her and the other girls gathered round on all sides, hemming her in. With an evil grin, Daisy began to turn the big metal wheel with ‘WATER PRESSURE’ written on it, twisting it right round to:

FULL POWER – ONLY TO BE USED BY EXPERIENCED STAFF.

The other bridesmaids snickered as Nat looked frantically around the small room, trying to escape. But there was nowhere to hide.

“Enjoy your shower, you little creep,” said Daisy, and pressed the ON switch.

For a long moment nothing happened except a horrid gurgling noise, deep in the pipes. The hose trembled as the pressure built up.

“I’m gonna spray you to kingdom come,” cackled Daisy, gripping the hose tightly with both hands.

And then the water shot out like a rocket.

Now, Nat had done rockets at school, and Darius liked building them, so she was a bit less surprised than Daisy by what happened next. Instead of the water lifting Nat off her feet and shooting her across the shower room, the OPPOSITE happened.

“Aaaargh! Help!” squealed Daisy, as she was hurled into the air by the power of the water, shooting out of the wildly bucking hose.

“Waaaah!” she screamed as she was shot around the room in a big circle, sliding across the walls, like one of those motorbike riders on the wall of death at the circus.

“Let go!” shouted Bella.

“I can’t! I’m too scared!” shouted Daisy, the pressure lifting her six feet off the ground. “Turn it off, turn it off!”

She was now whizzing around at the top of the room, and gathering speed all the time.

“The wheel’s jammed!” squealed Annie Chicken, frantically trying to turn it off.

“You’re turning it the wrong way!” shouted Tilly.

“Now it IS stuck!” squealed Bella. “You absolute idiot – blaaaagh!”

The last noise was because she got hit, smack-bang in the mouth, by the water.

“I’m drowning!” shrieked Bella.

“If you were drowning, you couldn’t speak,” cackled Nat, dodging the watery jet. She was quite enjoying herself now.

Suddenly, Bella’s loo-brush hair shot off in a big black frizzy mass. She shrieked even louder. “My hair extension! That cost me a fortune. Someone grab it before it goes down the drain…”

All hell broke loose. Two bridesmaids tried to grab the flying Daisy, Annie struggled with the wheel and Bella scrabbled after her disappearing hair, which slithered towards the drain like a big soggy spider getting flushed down the loo.

Nat realised that all the spray had sloshed her clean as a whistle and she could move again. She saw her chance and dashed for the exit.

She slipped through and slammed it behind her in relief.

“Everything all right?” said Gertie, who had come over to check on the faint wails and squeals that were coming from behind the door.

“Very all right,” said Nat.

“Are you sure? I thought I heard screaming and the words: ‘HELP, HELP, I’m going to die’.”

“Oh, you know us bridesmaids,” said Nat. “We do like to scream. It’s all the excitement, waiting for the big day.”

Just then, the door burst open and Bella came hurtling through it, gripping her sodden, ruined hair extensions. She skidded on the floor like a rocket-powered fish and lay, panting, at Nat’s feet.

“You… you…” said Bella, pointing at Nat and coughing up water. “You are responsible…”

“For all the fun and good bridesmaid times? Too kind,” said Nat. She grabbed a nearby towel and began to help dry Bella off, making very sure she shoved the towel in her face, really firmly.

“You’re wiping my eyebrows off you little— mumph,” said Bella, but her words were muffled by the fluffy towel.