Reginald Hill - A Cure for All Diseases

An escaped loony – I thought! Then I recalled the gate-mans phone call. This had to be the convie whod gone missing – a bit of a relief – though not much!

He said – youll know me again luv –

I realized Id been staring.

I said – yes – sorry – hello – Im Charlotte Heywood –

Automatically I offered my hand. Good manners never hurt anyone – remember dad drumming that into us? Then hed head out across the fields – to chase some daft bugger off his land – with his shot gun!

The escaped convie took it – & held it in a surprisingly gentle grip.

– glad to meet you – he said – Andy Deal –

– Tom Parker. My wife Mary – said Tom – are you all right? –

– grand – he replied – nifty bit of driving that luv. Lot of women I know would have run me over – while they were still looking for the brake –

Somehow it came out as a genuine compliment.

Mary – reassured – gave him a smile & started the car again.

I realized the man was still holding my hand. He peered into my face & said – Heywood – thas not one of Stompy Heywoods brood out at Willingden – are you? –

– Steve Heywoods my father – I said – but Ive never heard him called Stompy –

– thats likely cos tha never got in his way at the bottom of a loose scrum. Aye – I thought I could see a likeness –

Being told I resembled dad wasnt the biggest compliment Id ever had! I dont – do I? Answer yes – & Ill publish details of your steamy affair all over the internet!

I snatched my hand free – & gave him a glower – & he grinned as if this confirmed his identification.

Ahead of us a banner stretched high across the road – & inscribed Welcome to Sandytown – Home of the Healthy Holiday – told us we were now entering the village. Except it wasnt a village – more a small town. Usually when you go back to places you recall as a kid – everything seems to have shrunk – could impress you with the physiological explanation for this phenomenon – but I wont! Sandytown was different – very much bigger than I recalled – looking prosperous too – our route took us past several shops – a small supermarket doing good business – an art & craft gallery – a working pottery – a jolly café – a Thai takeaway – & a sea food restaurant called Mobys!

The cobbled streets were clean & litter-free – the buildings freshly painted & well kept. Distantly I could see bathers sporting in the dark blue waves of the sea – & holidaymakers taking thier ease in deck chairs set on the golden sand. Posters everywhere showing an outline map of Yorkshire – with a big cross on the coast – & the legend – SANDYTOWN IS OUR TOWN – LETS PUT IT ON THE MAP! – while across the main street hung a banner reading FESTIVAL OF HEALTH – August Bank Holiday.

Maybe the Headbanger didnt bring us here at all – but found some run-down shanty town to put us off family trips forever!

Tom Parker – clearly delighted at these signs of activity – gave a running commentary on each individual attraction – & occasionally leant out of the open window to greet pedestrians – as Mary drove us slowly along.

– right luv – this ull do me – said Mr Deal suddenly.

I looked out & saw an old freshly whitewashed building displaying a sign which read The Hope & Anchor – licensee A. Hollis. One of the pig family? – I wondered. Mary pulled in. Deal leaned forward & said – Thanks for the lift luv. Sorry if I scared you back there. Lost me footing. Lost me bloody slipper too. Not to worry. I dont doubt Prince bloody Charming ull come looking for me. Tom – tha seems to be a local lad in good standing. I daresay tha gets on well with them up at the Avalon? –

– yes indeed – said Tom – I know Dr Feldenhammer very well – often visit –

Wrong answer – I thought. You cant survive as a student for 3 years without getting a nose for a touch!

– grand. Thing is – Im staying up there for a couple of nights – & I seem to have come out without me wallet. So if you could sub me a fiver – better still 10 – Ill leave it with old Fester for you to collect next time you call in – right? –

It would have taken a lot harder man than Tom Parker to refuse.

The money was passed over – 20 in the end I noticed – & Mr Deal got out.

He turned & said – thanks for the lift – missus – & for the loan – Tom –

For the first time Tom Parker got a real look at him – full length – standing by the open door – in his pyjamas – with one bare foot. It was clearly a shock – & I think that inside he was bidding a fond farewell to his 20 quid – but he still managed that beaming smile as he said – our pleasure – our very great pleasure – goodbye –

Now the man turned his gaze on me.

– bye luv – he said – remember me to your dad –

– bye Mr Deal – I said.

He moistened his lips & leaned forward. For a dreadful second I thought he was going to kiss me!

– Dee Ell – he said very distinctly – get that straight – else thall niver go to heaven. Dee Ell. Cheers –

He turned & limped into the pub.

– oh dear – said Tom – I doubt if theyll serve him – looking like that –

I said – would you refuse to serve him Tom? – He glanced round at me – then he smiled.

– you know – I dont believe I would! – he said – but the further adventures of Mr Dee Ell are no concern of ours! Mary – drive on. Lets get home & see the children! –

Which is what we did.

Minnie has just burst in again to tell me lunch is ready – knocking at doors must come late on the Parker curriculum! Better go. Watch this space for more exciting news from sunny Sandytown!

& dont forget that pic!

Love

Charley xx

There! What do you think of that, Mildred?

I did it!

Jumped the gun, surprised myself even, and now I’m in disgrace, quacks tut-tutting and feeding me pills, matron’s bosom heaving like Moby Dick in a hurricane, Cap on the phone, spitting blood, and calling me a stupid infantile prat, and saying the only clothes she’ll be bringing me’s a change of nappies!

But it were worth it.

I think.

Cant say its done me a lot of good, but. To tell truth, I’m feeling a lot worse now than when I arrived here!

And I can’t even take credit for putting together a cunning plan.

In fact there were no plan at all.

Today the weather were so nice, they suggested I had my lunch outside. The grub’s pretty good, all fresh local stuff nicely cooked, but they don’t exactly pile your plate up. When I asked if I could have a pint of ale to wash it down, the lass serving me said, ‘Couple of days, maybe, Mr Dalziel. You’re still on assessment. No alcohol till your diet sheet’s been finalized, that’s the rule.’

She smiled as she said it, a real smile, nowt made up about it. I smiled back. Weren’t her fault, and she was a nice lass with a lovely bum which I admired as she walked away. But it did piss me off a bit, specially as I looked around the terrace where I was sitting and saw half a dozen old farts at another table supping vino and wearing real clothes, like they were on holiday on the Costa Saga.

But sod it, I thought. No reason not being dressed for dinner should stop me taking a stroll around to explore the place. They’ve started me on physio with Tony down in this little gym. Queer as a clockwork orange, but he knows his stuff, and though I’m still a long way off Olympic qualifying, I’m feeling a lot lisher than when I came.

I checked there were no one looking, then stood up and went down the steps from the terrace with a lot of care. Didn’t fancy breaking me other leg!