Kylie Chan - Hell to Heaven

‘As long as it involves me prostituting myself to you, we have nothing to talk about.’

He didn’t move, hands still spread. ‘As I said, maybe we can negotiate something.’

‘What do I have that you want, except for demon spawn?’ I said.

‘Oh, many things,’ he said, jolly. ‘Safe passage Above, certain Celestials who have been a complete pain in the ass to me, some homely women … There are any number of things I could name.’

‘I do not negotiate with demons,’ I said stiffly.

He leaned over the table and grinned at me. ‘You’re doing it again.’

‘Good,’ I said. ‘That means I know exactly how to deal with you.’

‘Whatever,’ he said, and rose.

Noise clashed around us and the people in the coffee shop reappeared. Ma quickly changed back to his usual human form.

‘Let me send you some suggestions of what would be a suitable trade for your humanity,’ the King said. ‘Have a look through, and if you see something you like, let me know. You still have my phone, don’t you?’

‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘Neat trick how it always changes to the latest model.’

‘Only the best for my Emma,’ he said, and disappeared.

‘Doing what again?’ Ma said.

‘Sounding like John,’ I said.

He nodded. ‘That you do sometimes.’

‘Do you think I’m his Serpent, Ma?’

‘You’ve been in the same room as his Serpent, ma’am, and not even he can be in three places at the same time.’ His face changed to thoughtful. ‘No, I take that back. I don’t think there’s much that he can’t do.’

‘Thanks for that, that was just what I needed to hear,’ I said. I nodded to him, more serious. ‘And thanks for hanging around.’

‘I would have been more comfortable leaving and letting you face him alone as a display of my faith in you,’ he said. ‘But protocol demanded that I remain in my capacity as Retainer.’

‘I know, and I appreciate it. Either way.’

‘I’ve given your secretary the details of your appointment with the Archivist,’ Ma said. ‘Talk to him before you go traipsing off to see Nu Wa; you may be able to avoid seeing her altogether. The Heavens know, last time someone visited her it caused a war.’

‘Nobody’s been to see her since the Shang/Zhou?’ I said.

He shook his head. ‘Nobody’s been brave enough.’

‘Would a visit annoy her? I really don’t want to walk into the home of one of the most powerful Shen in creation if she’s pissed.’

‘Impossible to tell. Nobody’s spoken to her in thousands of years. Even before that, she was a recluse. You know the stories: she is as ancient as time and as powerful as nature. Approach her cautiously.’

‘If the Archivist can help me, I won’t have to approach her at all.’

‘That would be the ideal situation.’

He saluted me quickly and we went out together. I took the lift back up to the Academy; he disappeared.

When I returned to my office the White Tiger was stretched across the doorway in True Form. Even lying down he was nearly a metre tall.

I glared at him. ‘What are you doing here? I just left your palace last night. And how am I supposed to get any work done when I can’t get into my office?’

‘You and Ah Wu are as bad as each other, working your asses off,’ the Tiger said without moving. ‘A real leader delegates everything and spends their time eating and screwing. I only need to work at most about ten minutes a day, and even then it’s just “yes” or “no”. When are you going to learn?’

‘I prefer a more hands-on approach and less eating and screwing,’ I said. I gestured towards him. ‘Get out of the damn way.’

‘Yeah, well in your case, with the vegetarianism and celibacy, you might as well be hands-on and keep yourself distracted. I don’t know how you do it.’ He rose, stretched out his front legs like a house cat and scraped his claws on the carpet. ‘I need to talk to you.’

‘Don’t tear up my carpet!’ I said.

He moved to one side and I opened the office door to let us both in.

‘Shall I order a cat-scratching post, ma’am?’ Yi Hao called from her desk.

‘Yes, please,’ I called back, and closed the door on her giggles.

‘Oh, very funny. I eat demons like that for breakfast,’ the Tiger said.

I opened the office door again. ‘And a giant-sized cat collar and bell,’ I added.

Yi Hao screeched with laughter.

I closed the door and sat behind my desk. ‘Just the person I wanted to see. I need help.’

He took human form, leaned against the wall, crossed his arms over his chest and scowled. ‘I told you to talk to the people in the Northern Heavens about feeding your serpent.’

‘Not feeding the snake. John told me to go see Nu Wa, and I think I’ll need a hand with that.’

His expression changed from suspicious to resigned and he flopped to sit in the chair across from me. ‘That’s a big ask. Anyone with any sense stays well away from her.’

‘It shouldn’t be that bad, Bai Hu. It’s only on the Third Platform —’

‘How do you know about the Three Platforms?’ he said.

‘Oh, come on, Bai Hu, its full name is Seven Stars Sword of the Three Platforms. Do you think I’m stupid?’

He rubbed one hand over his face. ‘I keep forgetting exactly how much you aren’t.’

‘So I need to see Nu Wa on the Celestial, but I’ll need a hand getting there because of the cold. You’re the perfect person to help, being the Lesser Yang.’

‘I pull out full yang anywhere near you and you’ll be incinerated. Like being in the centre of a nuclear blast. Maybe you are stupid.’

‘She’s up about twice as high as Everest. It’ll be bitterly cold, there won’t be enough oxygen for a mortal like me to breathe —’

‘So wear a spacesuit,’ he snapped. ‘I’ll even provide one for you.’

‘And I have to go in serpent form since it’s on the Celestial. Do you have a long, narrow spacesuit you can lend me?’

He sighed loudly, leaned back and put his hands behind his head. ‘The things you ask for. A snake spacesuit. Now I’ve heard everything.’

‘But you have ordinary human spacesuits?’

‘Of course I do. Some of the wives are thrillseekers and love being taken up into orbit. After a nasty accident where I became …’ he hesitated ‘… distracted, I decided to make them wear spacesuits when I take them up there.’

‘I do not believe you sometimes! Someone died because you can’t keep your mind off your gonads?’

He shrugged. ‘Can’t stop me being what I am.’

‘Where do you have the suits made? Maybe I can get a special suit designed.’

‘I’ll see what I can do. A human suit might be okay; if you can make yourself small enough, we can just pop you in. Leave it with me. But I want something in return.’

It was my turn to be suspicious. ‘What?’

He grinned. ‘The blood sample you promised you’d give me when you visited the West. You never coughed up. So you’re coming down to the shoebox that passes for an infirmary in this place and giving me some right now .’

‘I never promised any such thing.’

‘Beside the point now, ’cause if you want something to keep you warm and alive when you visit Nu Wa, you’ll provide it anyway.’

‘Oh, okay.’ I went around the desk and opened the door. ‘Yi Hao, is Edwin in the infirmary?’

Yi Hao’s face went blank for a moment, then she nodded. ‘He’s there, ma’am, and asks if there is a problem.’

‘Tell him we’re coming down to give the Tiger a blood sample from me. It isn’t enough that the damn cat gets our best students when they’re fully trained, now he wants my blood as well.’