Catherine Miller - Waiting For You

‘Yes, I know. It’s rubbish. But we’re going to talk about it. It’s not down to Ben how unreliable the transport system is. And you’ll see him tomorrow.’ There she went again, jumping to his defence, finding herself riled so easily when discussing it with her mum who seemed to always have it in for her husband and the amount of time he spent away from his family. It was draining having to continually defend the lifestyle that she’d chosen. Okay, so maybe it wasn’t working out quite how she’d envisaged, but it was their lot and she was doing her best to stick with it. Or rather, stick with Ben if she was being more specific.

‘I’m ready!’ Hollie bounced into the room, her blonde ringlets almost as giddy with excitement as she was. Behind her, a pink roll-along suitcase, the zip not quite secured, and a trail of clothes in her wake.

‘Were you planning on taking those with you?’ Fliss gestured towards the mess her daughter had made.

‘Oh dear!’ Hollie giggled at the mishap and set to collecting the items.

Fliss smiled at Hollie’s optimism as she watched her place a swimming costume, snorkel and ballet skirt into the case. Just how many activities did her daughter hope to squeeze into her overnight stay with Grandma? ‘Have you remembered to pack any pyjamas, young lady? As, from the look of things, you’re not going to have much time for sleep.’

‘Yesss, Mummm!’ Hollie said, the indignant teenager within her sounding disgusted. How quickly her young daughter was growing up. On some days, six going on sixteen couldn’t be closer to the truth.

‘Well, if you’re all set to go we best be on our way,’ Joan said, before taking a final slurp from her mug of tea.

‘Terrific!’ Hollie said, like a stayover at Grandma’s was the most exciting thing in the world.

Once they’d left, Fliss placed a bottle of wine into the fridge and hung her head in there a moment longer than necessary. It was preferable to sticking her head in the oven. She listened to the soft buzzing inside and the silence of the cottage beyond. A rare moment of quiet. If only her life was as calm.

***

It read 20:47 on the cooker clock when Fliss heard the jangle of Ben’s keys in the door. Somewhere along the line, her husband had stopped making any effort. Despite the commute, it was unreasonable for him to turn up so late when there were arrangements in place for them to have an evening together.

In the time it had taken for Ben to arrive, Fliss had devoured two large glasses of wine and resorted to nibbling on breadsticks. Fed up and somewhat tipsy by this point, she’d done what she was for ever telling Hollie not to do, and ruined her dinner by munching her way through a Kit Kat Chunky and a packet of crisps. The lamb shanks were being kept warm in the slow cooker, but the creamy mash and onion gravy would need reheating.

‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry,’ Ben said, as soon as he reached the kitchen. He dashed small kisses all over her head as he leaned over her.

Fliss had heard it before and she was beginning to get sick of it. ‘Why are you so late?’

‘Something cropped up at work.’

‘Always something.’ Fliss sighed deeply, resigned to the fact her husband’s work took precedence far too often. He should have taken a lease on his office at the architectural firm he worked for as his second home rather than buying their London flat. He must barely see the place with the hours he kept.

‘I haven’t ruined dinner, have I?’ Ben regarded the pots on the stove.

‘Nothing that can’t be revived.’ Fliss wondered if the same could be done for their marriage. ‘Ben, I arranged this because I think we need to talk.’

‘About?’

Fliss set to warming up the various elements of their meal – not that she was hungry any longer. ‘Life.’ It was hard to easily sum up all the things that were bothering her.

‘Yes, we’re definitely alive.’ Ben snuck behind her aiming for a cuddle.

Fliss swung round with a wooden spoon in hand. ‘I’m serious, Ben. All these extra hours you’re working seem to be adding up. Late night returns on Friday and you keep having early departures on Sunday. It’s not like we see each other much anyway without more chunks of time being eaten into.’

As the spoon was in the way of getting to Fliss, Ben took a seat at their tiny bistro table. ‘I know it’s been rubbish of late. We’ve just been so busy. They’ve taken on too many projects.’

‘But what about us? Your family. Surely we’re more important. I’m beginning to think we made the wrong decision about us being here and you working up in London.’ They’d reached a point where Fliss reckoned she spent more time with the postman than her husband. Their food dished up, she placed it on the table and waited for Ben to respond.

‘You’ll always be more important and I’m sorry it’s been like this. It’s a brief hiatus of extra work, but it’ll be back to normal soon.’ Ben tucked into his dinner, clearly not as concerned about how things were currently.

‘It’s not great for when we manage to extend the family. Imagine how stressful it’s going to be when I have a newborn to deal with as well. I can’t have you choosing work over family then.’

‘We’ll deal with that when it happens.’

Fliss didn’t like it when Ben was so pragmatic. Deal with it when it happens was his motto for life. ‘Well, as it doesn’t seem to be happening, I was thinking it was time we went and got checked out.’

‘Go to the doctors?’ Ben glanced up from the greedy mouthfuls that Fliss’s full stomach wasn’t keeping pace with. ‘But they’ll only tell us what we already know. That the reason you’re not pregnant yet is we’re not trying enough. And there’s no way that can improve when we live most of the week in different regions of the country.’

‘But there might be something wrong. Just because we had Hollie without any problems doesn’t mean there isn’t a problem now.’ It was hard knowing Ben was so indifferent about the subject.

‘Don’t you think you’re overthinking it?’

‘How is it overthinking? I want a baby, you want a baby, and two years on we don’t have one. I don’t think looking into getting everything checked out is such an extreme line of thought.’ Fliss pressed her tongue against her front teeth, not wanting to get angry at her husband despite his thoughtless comment.

‘You misunderstand me. What I mean is the stress of it all. They often say the reason women don’t get pregnant is because they become very obsessed with it. I think with you that might be the case.’

Fliss’s jaw dropped open as Ben tucked into another piece of lamb. How could he insult her like that and not realise what he was saying? There was frank. Then there was too frank. This wasn’t a discussion with colleagues over blueprints; they were talking about their future.

‘I’ve done it again, haven’t I? Always putting my foot in it,’ Ben said. ‘Don’t take it the wrong way. I just mean I know it’s been playing on your mind. Of course getting pregnant will take longer for us when we’re only together for short periods of time. We’re not going hell for leather like when we were first married. It’ll be down to that. When it happens, it’ll be the right time. Pouring over internet forums and seeing other people get success only makes you more aware that we haven’t yet.’ Ben leaned across the table and caught hold of her hand. ‘I just think it’s not healthy to think about it more than necessary. We have a daughter to look after and care for. We should be pouring our love into her and the rest will come naturally.’

Fliss jerked away from Ben’s grip, annoyed that he still wasn’t getting it. ‘And what if it doesn’t? It’s not going to hurt to go to the doctor’s and start things off with some blood tests. At least we’ll know if I’m ovulating. I’m not as young as I was when I fell pregnant with Hollie and at thirty-five they already considered me a geriatric mother back then. Now I’m forty-one. It’s not like I have time on my side. Things might have changed and, if it’s a simple fix, well, I think we should explore the possibilities.’ She played with her food and forked a lump of mash across the plate. She’d felt sure Ben would be happy to start doing something about it; after all, it had been going on for long enough. She thought back to Ange’s suggestion about signing up for the programme. ‘My friend mentioned something that might help. There’s a TV documentary looking into this kind of problem and they’re providing funding for any of the couples taking part. It wouldn’t cost us anything if that’s what you’re worried about.’ The other thing their dual lifestyle was affecting was their finances. They didn’t have much disposable income and certainly no savings to cover the cost of any potential IVF treatment.