Iain Stirling - Not F*cking Ready To Adult

A rise in house prices means children don’t move out until later in life.

Parents are having fewer children, so that each child gets more attention.

Parents are having kids older, when they’re more settled, so are more likely to stay in with their kids than go out and socialise.

An increased focus and pressure on giving children the correct moral compass.

Parenthood is something I think about more and more as I get older because for some unknown reason my friends keep insisting on having bloody kids. Making babies, on purpose. How adult is that? ‘OK, babe, I’m going to start leaving it in.’ I mean, they possibly put it in a slightly more romantic way, but you get the idea.

As a comedian who is forever trying to rid himself of his dreaded ego, other people’s children can be a real stumbling block on my path to enlightenment. Mainly due to the fact that most of my friends seem to like their children more than they like me. Me! How long have you known your kid? Like a couple of weeks? We’ve been friends since freshers’ week, you ungrateful bastard. What has your kid ever done for you? Every day you have to tell that thing to stop crying, wipe its bum and put it to bed. You’ve only had to do that for me twice. It was my birthday and you had given me a bottle of rum as a present – in many ways you only had yourself to blame. I mean, this shouldn’t even be a competition. Your baby can’t talk, I’m the voice of Love Island . I’m objectively better. That baby has never ‘cued the text’ or ‘paged Dr Marcel’. I should be top of your list all day, every day.

I guess I just question anyone who can feel something so strong towards someone who’s done so little. I know I’m a Liverpool fan and will follow them wherever they go despite a relative dry patch, trophy-wise, over recent seasons, but boy do they play good football and Jürgen Klopp is a total BABE. Seriously, even if you aren’t a footy fan you need to check out my main man Jürgen. The guy is like the dad you’ve always wanted. I mean, who wouldn’t want a dad called Jürgen? Am I right? Even if, like me, you have an incredible father who would quite literally lie down in traffic for you, a day spent watching Jürgen stare out the opposition from the halfway line while they do their pre-match warm-up is one of the most heroic pieces of needlessly alpha behaviour you will ever see. Try not to whisper ‘Daddy’ under your breath while he does it. I dare ya!

So while Liverpool can reward my love and loyalty even in the absence of any silverware, what can your baby do? It can’t even talk! The thing could be a prick. We don’t know yet. Half the people in the world are pricks so it’s statistically likely that your baby is an arsehole. It hasn’t even expressed a view. I mean, it could be a racist baby. You don’t know. It is bald and white, so it’s already got the uniform.

THE RACE TO ADULTHOOD

I used to dread the idea of getting older. There, I said it, I’m getting older. As much as it pains me to admit, the inevitable passage of time is slowly catching up on me. Hangovers are, not necessarily becoming physically worse, but the sadness that I feel the day after is really increasing – the dreaded ‘beer fear’ is getting more and more intense as I start to wizen with age. It’ll take more than a Lucozade and some screaming into the shower head to abolish that voice in my head asking, ‘What the hell are you doing with your life?’ In my early twenties the voice was a gentle whisper that I could ignore; when I hit 29 it bought a megaphone.

Older. Like, who would want that? More responsibility, more stress and more wrinkles. For us millennials the dawning of adulthood can be a real point of stress. We’ve grown up in a world where perfection is pitched as a realistic goal, a thing to be achieved as opposed to some sort of abstract concept to be aimed for but never quite reached. Because perfection is impossible, like not looking a total prick in a vest top or trying to sound interesting when talking about bitcoin.

Not only do we see adulthood as this part in our lives when we live in complete and utter bliss with all our shit together, but there seems to be a massive stress for my generation to get to that stage in life as quick as possible, with no slip-ups on the way. I mean, what would be the point in owning a beautiful new sports car when you’re too old and grey to absolutely smash the likes on Insta? I find it hilarious when an older person buys a fancy new sports car and is accused of having a mid-life crisis. Really? Are they having a crisis or just earning enough money now to be able to afford one?

The pressure is on. You’re getting old, and you need to sort everything out before you get there. If you are feeling like that right now I’m here to tell you it’s OK. If you’re reading this and panicking that you’re never going to win an award, make a million pounds or even run that company, then take a deep breath. Everyone is panicking, about everything, all the time. As you get older you learn one thing for sure. No one has a fucking clue what the hell they’re doing. Your mates don’t know what the hell they’re doing with their lives, your parents had no clue what they were doing when they brought you up – hell, even the President of the United States is just a big clueless mess guessing his way through life. Although that has become more and more horribly apparent in recent years.

In a recent chat with Spencer Owen, AKA Spencer FC, a brilliant content creator with over a million subscribers on YouTube, he spoke very eloquently about why he is glad success has come to him slightly later in life (by YouTube standards) and why too much, too soon can actually impact negatively on your life in the long-term. We started by discussing how hard it must be for pop stars who achieve success early on, which then fades.

Interview with Spencer Owen –

‘Someone asks you for a cup of tea. No thanks, I’ve been to the moon’

IAIN STIRLING

I look at some pop stars who are, like, private jets to LA, living the life, blah-di-blah. And maybe they didn’t save like they should have done. And they’re 24 …

SPENCER OWEN

Yeah, what do you from there? It’s like that Buzz Aldrin thing: you’ve gone to the moon and someone asks you for a cup of tea. No thanks, I’ve been to the moon.

IAIN STIRLING

I’ve been to the moon. What do you do?

SPENCER OWEN

I’ve had moments. I’ve been amazingly privileged to have played football in front of crowds of 20,000 and 30,000 people multiple times, which I never thought I’d say. And they’re amazing moments. The last Wembley Cup, I played in front of 34,000 people. I’ve put on that whole event – that was my baby. Huge success. Within an hour of the game finishing I’m sort of sitting there thinking, ‘What do I? What’s next?’ And you hear from World Cup winners – a much higher level. They win a World Cup, have half an hour of elation and ‘Oh my God, this is so good.’ And then suddenly you’re thinking I’ve just completed the one thing I had in my life driving me. So I think that it’s really important to stress that it’s not going to solve your problems. If you’ve got problems you need to deal with them wherever you are, whatever you do. I think that so many guys I talk to behind the scenes, hugely popular YouTubers with many more subscribers than I have, making crazy, crazy money, to the outside world have got everything they could possibly need. But they’ve just got no motivation. And you hit a point where you think, ‘So what am I doing it for?’

IAIN STIRLING

I mean, if you’re 20 and you’re jet-skiing in the Caribbean and have a massive big house, that’s cool, but what do you do when you’re … what do you when you’re 30 or 31?