Iain Stirling - Not Ready to Adult Yet - A Totally Ill-informed Guide to Life

CONTENTS Cover Title Page Copyright Dedication WHAT IT MEANS TO BE AN ADULT INTRODUCTION I ONCE TOLD AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD TO GO FUCK HIMSELF CHAPTER 1 BAD PARENTING Mollycoddled CHAPTER 2 SCHOOLED ‘The Best Days of Your Life …’ CHAPTER 3 LIFE ON THE SMALL SCREEN The Years BW (Before Wi-fi ) CHAPTER 4 U OK HUN? The Power of Love … Island CHAPTER 5 THE GRASS IS ALWAYS GREENER We’re All Fake Happy CHAPTER 6 NINE TILL FIVE … What a Way to Make a Living (Apparently) CHAPTER 7 SNOWFLAKES A Generation that Likes to (Political) Party Hard CHAPTER 8 FEAR OF FAILURE Here Comes the Science Bit … CONCLUSION THE INSPIRATIONAL SPEECH MOMENT A TREAT FOR THOSE WHO’VE SKIPPED TO THE BACK ‘The Millennial Circle’ ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS About the Publisher

HarperCollins Publishers

1 London Bridge Street

London SE1 9GF

www.harpercollins.co.uk

First published by HarperCollins 2018

FIRST EDITION

© Iain Stirling 2018

Cover layout design © HarperCollins Publishers 2018

Cover photograph © Jay Brooks 2018

A catalogue record of this book is available from the British Library

Iain Stirling asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

Find out about HarperCollins and the environment at

www.harpercollins.co.uk/green

Source ISBN: 9780008288006

Ebook Edition © August 2018 ISBN: 9780008288020

Version: 2018-06-21

To my mum Alison, my dad Rodger and my sister Kirsten. This book isn’t for you, it’s because of you. I love you.

Cover

Title Page CONTENTS Cover Title Page Copyright Dedication WHAT IT MEANS TO BE AN ADULT INTRODUCTION I ONCE TOLD AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD TO GO FUCK HIMSELF CHAPTER 1 BAD PARENTING Mollycoddled CHAPTER 2 SCHOOLED ‘The Best Days of Your Life …’ CHAPTER 3 LIFE ON THE SMALL SCREEN The Years BW (Before Wi-fi ) CHAPTER 4 U OK HUN? The Power of Love … Island CHAPTER 5 THE GRASS IS ALWAYS GREENER We’re All Fake Happy CHAPTER 6 NINE TILL FIVE … What a Way to Make a Living (Apparently) CHAPTER 7 SNOWFLAKES A Generation that Likes to (Political) Party Hard CHAPTER 8 FEAR OF FAILURE Here Comes the Science Bit … CONCLUSION THE INSPIRATIONAL SPEECH MOMENT A TREAT FOR THOSE WHO’VE SKIPPED TO THE BACK ‘The Millennial Circle’ ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS About the Publisher

Copyright

Dedication

WHAT IT MEANS TO BE AN ADULT

INTRODUCTION

I ONCE TOLD AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD TO GO FUCK HIMSELF

CHAPTER 1

BAD PARENTING

Mollycoddled

CHAPTER 2

SCHOOLED

‘The Best Days of Your Life …’

CHAPTER 3

LIFE ON THE SMALL SCREEN

The Years BW (Before Wi-fi )

CHAPTER 4

U OK HUN?

The Power of Love … Island

CHAPTER 5

THE GRASS IS ALWAYS GREENER

We’re All Fake Happy

CHAPTER 6

NINE TILL FIVE …

What a Way to Make a Living (Apparently)

CHAPTER 7

SNOWFLAKES

A Generation that Likes to (Political) Party Hard

CHAPTER 8

FEAR OF FAILURE

Here Comes the Science Bit …

CONCLUSION

THE INSPIRATIONAL SPEECH MOMENT

A TREAT FOR THOSE WHO’VE SKIPPED TO THE BACK

‘The Millennial Circle’

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

About the Publisher

adulting

NOUN

informal

The practice of behaving in a way characteristic of a responsible adult, especially the accomplishment of mundane but necessary tasks.

However, the entire time you are carrying out said tasks you are uncomfortably aware that you have no idea what the hell you are doing, you will fuck it up and eventually be found out.

‘ Fucking hell , this adulting is IMPOSSIBLE . How do I explain to my boss that I’m late for work because I dropped my phone in the toilet while watching a YouTube video and taking a shit?’

I’m constantly told by my parents, friends and my birth certificate that I’m an adult now, but what does that even mean? And why does it seem to be so insanely difficult? Following some in-depth research/googling I have ascertained that, generally speaking, the idea of being an adult is split into two camps, that of the ‘responsible adult’ and the ‘irresponsible adult’. These two definitions are as follows.

Responsible adult: taking on the new-found responsibilities that come with being a grown-up, such as getting a job, buying a house and having children.

Irresponsible adult: now the restrictions of childhood have been removed you can do or act however you want. For example, staying up as late as you like, drinking alcohol, spending your money as you choose.

Whether ‘responsible’ or ‘irresponsible’, these actions carry with them that bizarre feeling of, ‘Wow, I’m being such an adult right now.’ I’ve listed a few of my favourite such moments that make you feel like a grown-up here:

COOKING MEALS FROM SCRATCH

GOING ON HOLIDAY WITHOUT YOUR PARENTS

DRIVING, PARTICULARLY DURING A TRICKY PARALLEL PARK

FIRST TIME YOU GO INTO YOUR OVERDRAFT (LOSES ITS ALLURE QUICKLY)

REALISING YOU CAN EAT OUT EVEN IF IT ISN’T A SPECIAL OCCASION

BEING IN THE SUPERMARKET AND REALISING YOU CAN BUY WHATEVER YOU LIKE

DEFROSTING A FREEZER

DRIVING THROUGH A CITY CENTRE AND BEING ABLE TO CONFIDENTLY STATE, ‘THAT USED TO BE A BLOCKBUSTERS’

LIKING COLDPLAY

BEING ABLE TO LEGALLY RENT A VAN

BEING TOLD TO TURN THE VOLUME DOWN BY YOUR NEIGHBOURS RATHER THAN YOUR PARENTS