Iain Stirling - Not F*cking Ready To Adult

ALISON STIRLING

Exactly.

IAIN STIRLING

Like even if I go out and get absolutely hammered, and it happens more often than it should, I’ll lie in in the morning and write a funny bit of stand-up. Well, not even write it, I’ll just think it and I’ll have a thing for stand-up so I’ve done work that morning, whereas with law I didn’t like it. So I had to drag myself into that library and force my way through all those books. So I was not as good at it just because I wasn’t into it.

ALISON STIRLING

And I think that’s the thing. I’ve definitely learned that from Mum. When I didn’t go into hairdressing there had to be these excuses because she’d told so many people, and I did fine. Like you, I applied myself in what I wanted to and I did well and that’s fine. I wouldn’t have done well in the hairdressers. I would have been absolutely miserable.

IAIN STIRLING

You would have hated it.

ALISON STIRLING

I would have hated it. Well, you never know, I might not have.

IAIN STIRLING

You’d be good at chatting to people, the people bit.

ALISON STIRLING

Yeah, the chat is one thing. But what about the haircut?

IAIN STIRLING

Well, I had a lovely chat but I’ve not got an ear. Apart from that …

ALISON STIRLING

And the hair. I’m not sure what this is supposed to be.

THE ANTIGUA FUCK-UP (PART II)

So, back in Antigua, the whole Stirling clan are staring at a stranger’s ding-dong. Like an X-rated Gogglebox . I’d say everyone was watching on in horror, but that isn’t actually true. Mother was doing that classic middle-class British thing of just pretending that the horrific event unfolding five feet from her head wasn’t happening. It’s a real British talent, acting completely indifferent as horror unfolds all around. So as this man urinated next to Gran, Mother started showing the family the many interesting functions of the rental car: ‘Oh, look, you press this button and the lights come on. The CD goes in and if you press here it comes straight back out.’

I, as the son and the man I was slowly becoming, failed in my challenge to step up and deal with the situation myself. So it fell to Gran. After a long pause and a few more buttons pressed by Mum, my gran declared loudly: ‘Look how black it is.’

Now, for the record, I am fully aware that this is a totally unacceptable, offensive thing to say. And everyone was offended by the statement – except me. Because I wasn’t looking at the guy outside our rental car; I was looking at my gran, who wasn’t looking at the man either. She was staring out the opposite side of the car, into the sky, at a massive rain cloud. This gave me the opportunity to finally save my family. I wasn’t an alpha who could take control – I had been too mollycoddled by my loving parents to take any action that didn’t involve their direct support and encouragement – but what I could do was be funny. So, with my parents still in utter shock and disgust at the situation that was unfolding, I said: ‘Hey Nanna, want to stand underneath it and I’ll get a photo?’

My gran’s reply was almost instant: ‘Pass me my umbrella.’

At which point Mum just panicked and shot off. She went from awkward Brit abroad to bank-job getaway driver in two sentences. It was a beautiful thing to watch as my mum sliced through the thick drizzle (from the clouds, not the penis), jumping red lights like she was trying to drive away from her own shame and embarrassment. It’ll not work, Mum, because Gran’s in the back. After a minute or so, and with my parents still totally oblivious to the whole cloud situation, my gran said: ‘I’ve not seen one that big since your grandad passed away.’

What a lovely moment. God bless you, Nanna.

Текст предоставлен ООО «ЛитРес».

Прочитайте эту книгу целиком, на ЛитРес.

Безопасно оплатить книгу можно банковской картой Visa, MasterCard, Maestro, со счета мобильного телефона, с платежного терминала, в салоне МТС или Связной, через PayPal, WebMoney, Яндекс.Деньги, QIWI Кошелек, бонусными картами или другим удобным Вам способом.