Noelle Holten - Dead Inside

‘Will your sister be coming?’ Patrick called. Lucy’s shoulders tightened. She didn’t have to turn around to know that Patrick was sneering at her.

‘I’m not sure. Mel just split up with her husband. She wasn’t sure if she could make it.’ Melody and Lucy didn’t share the best of relationships, though she hoped that would change. Lucy hadn’t told Patrick that Mel was single again, because she knew he’d use that to wind her up. She saw the disgusting way Patrick ogled her sister. At one point, Lucy had confronted Mel about the way she flirted with Patrick. Mel had laughed in her face and told her that flirting was one thing, fucking was another . Lucy never thought that Mel would ever make her feel the way Patrick did, but with that one sentence, Mel had confirmed how weak she believed Lucy to be. Their relationship was never the same after that.

‘Pity. Would be nice to have something pretty to look at.’ Patrick purposely knocked into Lucy as he made his way to the fridge for another can of beer.

‘How many of those have you had?’

‘Don’t start,’ he warned. ‘I’m really not in the mood. Isn’t it bad enough I have to sit across from your father and listen to his snide remarks about me?’

Lucy didn’t answer. She had seen the look in his eyes.

‘So, what’s for dinner then? I hope you’re going to make something edible for a change.’

Trying a different tack, Lucy put on a cheerful voice. ‘Your favourite. I thought I’d make a shepherd’s pie.’

‘Well at least that’s something. Even you couldn’t fuck that up.’ He headed back to the living room.

Lucy’s stomach was cramping with nerves. This wasn’t going to be an enjoyable evening. Why didn’t I just keep my mouth shut?

Forty minutes later, with the dinner in the oven and the kitchen tidied, Lucy asked Siobhan to set the table and went to get changed. If Mel was coming, Lucy would feel like a frumpy, old woman. Every one of her nice outfits was now too tight, all she had were her work clothes. She held back her tears, knowing that her father would start asking questions if he saw her red, puffy eyes. Lucy put on a little make-up, black trousers with a sweater, and stared sadly at herself in the mirror.

Mel was a high-paid solicitor in Birmingham. Her soon-to-be ex-husband was also a solicitor, and this always made Lucy feel slightly inferior. At work, Mel would wear power suits and come across as the total professional that she was. Outside of the office, though, it was short skirts, tight tops, and stiletto heels that were her sister’s weapons of choice. It never used to bother Lucy, until now – now she’d let herself go. Not caring served a purpose though: it reduced the number of times Patrick could accuse her of cheating. Instead, he would put her down, pointing out that she was lucky he wanted her as no one else would. Lucy sighed and headed back downstairs.

Patrick looked up from the chair. ‘Why are you wearing make-up?’

‘I just thought I’d make a bit of an effort.’

‘Oh, nice, you don’t make any effort for me, but you’re happy to put a bunch of shit on your face to impress your parents.’

Lucy knew she shouldn’t have bothered, but she didn’t want her parents wondering why she’d changed so much. Questions would be asked, and she just couldn’t cope with the look of disappointment she knew she’d see on her father’s face. Taking a tissue out of her pocket, she wiped some of the make-up off and sat anxiously on the edge of the sofa to wait for her parents.

The knock on the door startled her. Siobhan ran to answer it, but Lucy called after her. ‘Hang on, sweetie. I’ll get it.’ She ruffled Siobhan’s hair on the way past. Lucy hadn’t seen her parents for some time, so wanted to be the first to greet them. They had been very supportive of her – particularly her father – allowing her space to make her own decisions. It broke her heart that she now felt so distant from them. Straightening her sweater, she took a deep breath and pasted on a smile as she opened the door.

‘Hi, Mum. Hey, Dad!’ She invited them inside and kissed each of them on the cheek as they squeezed by her in the doorway. She was about to close the door when her sister put her hand out.

‘Eh! Charming, sis!’

‘Oh sorry, Mel. I didn’t see you hiding there.’ Lucy’s hands squeezed into fists as she looked her sister up and down. They were complete opposites. Mel worked out and showed off her toned arms and shapely legs with a tank top and short skirt.

‘Aren’t you cold? You barely have anything on.’

‘Don’t be jealous, Luce. It’s not an attractive feature.’

Why did I even invite them around? Shrugging her shoulders, Lucy shuffled them all from the kitchen to their seats in the dining room. Lucy cringed when her dad sat at the head of the table. The sooner this was over, the better.

The tension in Lucy’s shoulders subsided as dinner and drinks were served; the talk around the table was polite if not semi-strained. Lucy was embarrassed to see Patrick drinking heavily and leering over Mel. She seemed to be loving the attention, giggling like a teenager. The scowl on her father’s face said it all. Lucy figured her mother must have asked him to keep his mouth shut, because he barely said two words during the meal. Siobhan, as always, was as good as gold and Lucy smiled at her.

‘I’ll help you clear the table, Lucy.’ She really was a little diamond and Lucy gave her a hug as she gathered the plates.

‘Is everyone ready for dessert?’ Lucy called from the kitchen. She heard a few moans; the shepherd’s pie must have filled them up. But once dessert was served, Lucy knew her father would want to make a quick exit and that suited her just fine. The room was silent except for the awkward sound of cutlery scraping on plates. Someone coughed uneasily. Lucy didn’t want to make her parents stay where they were clearly uncomfortable. Her sister was the first to answer.

‘None for me, Luce. Can’t afford to add any extra pounds, if you know what I mean?’

Lucy held her tongue. She noticed Patrick lean over and whisper something in Mel’s ear. Mel giggled and slapped Patrick playfully on the arm.

The flirting between the pair was making Lucy feel physically sick. How could he do that in front of her? In front of her parents and Siobhan? Her hands shook with rage.

Before she could say anything, her father interjected, ‘Enough now, Melody. Can we just enjoy dessert without any of this nonsense?’ Lucy looked at her dad and thanked him with her eyes. He returned the action with a smile and a nod. Lucy really did miss her father, but she knew that the less contact she had with her parents, the less likely they were to realize what she was going through. She couldn’t take the pity looks and she didn’t want to hurt her family.

Everyone devoured the dessert in record time. Patrick made it clear the night was over by abruptly standing up and making a move to leave the table. ‘Right, time to clear the pipes out! Think that’s the first decent meal Lucy’s cooked in ages; my body isn’t used to it!’ He laughed loudly.

‘It’s late, darling. I think we’re going to make a move,’ Lucy’s dad said.

Patrick didn’t acknowledge him but turned to Mel, leaned in, and kissed her on the cheek.

‘It was really nice to see you. Don’t be a stranger.’ At least this time Mel had the courtesy to blush as she saw the look on Lucy’s face.

‘Take care, Patrick,’ Mel said. She reached her hand out to Siobhan. ‘Come give your Aunty Mel a hug, sweets.’

Siobhan walked over and gave Mel a big hug as everyone said their goodbyes. Patrick disappeared upstairs as Mel and her mother got into the car. Lucy’s dad, however, pulled Lucy aside and they stood in the front garden outside the open door.