Khurrum Rahman - East of Hounslow

‘What?’

‘Smarten the fuck up next time. You’re bringing down the house prices.’

I was sat in the most supremely comfortable grand armchair. Somewhere in the background Sinatra was telling me that he did it his way. Two perfectly formed‚ cosmetically enhanced breasts hovered precariously‚ inches away from my face‚ with a thin silver chain and pendant that read Serenity nestled between them. The keeper of the breasts fussed around my wound as she gently and expertly applied a small bandage to it.

‘There‚’ she said‚ admiring her handiwork. ‘Try not to touch it‚ you don’t want to infect it now.’ She strutted away and my eyes tracked her until she tottered out of view.

‘Isn’t she just a peach?’

I followed the voice and realised that Silas was sitting directly opposite me in an even grander and more ostentatious armchair than mine. He was in a black robe with a gold trim‚ parted just enough that I could see his hairless bird chest. One leg was up on the chair‚ with his bare foot planted on a velvet cushion as he cleaned out his toes with the blade of a nail cutter. Once satisfied‚ he blew the top of the blade towards me and dropped his leg to the floor‚ his foot finding comfort in a blue suede loafer. He crossed his legs and his silk maroon pyjama rode up to reveal a pale white ankle.

‘Silas. Sorry‚ I didn’t notice you‚’ I said‚ and instantly regretted it.

‘I don’t blame you‚ Jay. Serenity has that effect. As beautiful as she is caring‚’ Silas said‚ fondly. If he was offended‚ he didn’t show it. My finger reached for the side of my head. ‘Don’t mess with it. Let it heal naturally. You do not want to get on Serenity’s bad side.’

I put my hand down on my lap and tried to look comfortable.

‘I met her when I was getting my appendix taken out‚’ Silas continued. ‘As I was lying on the hospital bed coming to‚ there she was‚ standing over me. Larger than life and as beautiful as the Devil could have made her.’ Silas’ gaze flitted away from me‚ lost somewhere in the distance. ‘Naturally I offered her a job and I provided her with a cute little uniform and all the kit a nurse could require. Her husband decided to demonstrate his displeasure by one night turning up here‚ unannounced. Unfortunately at the time she was going way beyond the call of duty. Staples did what Staples does best‚ and he left with his eyes and mouth stapled shut.’

Silas smiled.

I smiled back.

‘Jay‚’ he said.

‘Yes‚’ I said.

‘Where the fuck is my money?’

Here we go.

Even though I was planning to go with the truth‚ I had rehearsed it in a manner that would buy me some sympathy. A ticking off maybe but ultimately a shit happens response from him.

‘Now‚ I’m no Sherlock Holmes.’ Silas said. ‘Shit‚ Jay‚ I’m not even Watson. But I didn’t see you pull up in your car and I don’t see a bag. I’m pretty sure that you haven’t got my cash or my gear in your pockets. So I surmise … No‚ I deduce that you are empty handed. Feel free to correct me.’

I just sat there. I was speechless. I was without the power of speech. Elmsleigh Car Park ‚ there was a brawl. Khan and Parvez dragged me there. No ‚ no ‚ start with the mosque. There was an attack at my local mosque and…

‘Speak‚ motherfucker!’ Silas said‚ shattering my reverie.

‘My car… It… It got jacked‚’ I stuttered‚ well aware of the spittle flying out of my mouth.

‘So? What does that have to do with the price of tea in China?’ He uncrossed his legs and leaned forward closer to me‚ resting his elbows on his knees. He smelt good. Expensive. ‘Unless‚ of course you left my shit in your car‚ unattended.’

Unattended? Yeah. Doors open? Yeah. Keys in the ignition? Oh yeah.

My silence said all that had to be said. Silas watched me‚ amusement in his eyes‚ waiting for me to respond.

I opened my mouth to apologise. Silas narrowed his eyes in anticipation.

I thought better and closed my mouth. Silas clenched his jaw in irritation.

He looked above and behind me. I turned my head a touch to the side and I could feel the presence of Staples‚ standing directly behind my armchair.

‘How much?’ Silas asked‚ just above a whisper‚ loaded with understated menace

‘All of it‚’ I said‚ my voice feeble.

‘Cash? Gear?’

‘Both.’ His eyebrows told me to elaborate. ‘Seven grand in cash and about two grand worth of green.’

‘Ten grand?’

‘Nine‚’ I said‚ correcting him.

‘Ten grand‚’ Silas said. ‘Would you like me to get you a calculator?’

‘Ten grand‚’ I said‚ defeated.

Sinatra had given up the ghost and the room was filled with an eerie hiss. Silas stood up and tightened the belt to his robe accentuating his non-existent waist. He paced up and down in front of me‚ four steps one way‚ then four steps the other‚ hands knotted behind his back‚ his suede loafers padding softly on the carpet.

‘The thing is‚ Jay‚ I like you. Always have. You’ve been a good servant to me.’

Servant!

‘But I just can’t let this go. Do you know why I can’t let this go?’ Silas asked.

‘Principles.’

‘Jackpot‚ Jay… Principles. The cornerstone of every successful business.’

‘I’ll pay you back‚ Silas. I just need time. If you just give me some more gear‚ I’ll have the ten back to you and then some in no time.’

Silas‚ still pacing in front of me‚ shook his head‚ barely a movement‚ but it was clear I wasn’t leaving there with fresh supplies.

‘Okay‚ fine. That’s fair‚’ I said‚ to appease. ‘I’ll find another way.’ There was no other way. I had nothing. I couldn’t even sell my car and I couldn’t wait for the insurance money to come through because I hadn’t got around to insuring it. ‘I just need time‚ Silas.’ I repeated. ‘I can get a job and pay you in instalments.’

Silas grinned. I caught a flash of his too-white teeth. ‘Instalments?’

‘Yeah. I can sort you out a G a month‚ every month‚ without fail.’

‘So… A grand a month‚’ Silas counted ten on his fingers. ‘For ten months and we’ll be square? Is that what you’re proposing?’ A twinkle in his eye. Hope in mine.

I nodded. Even if he agreed‚ it was going to be impossible to come up with that kind of loot without dealing.

‘I tell you what‚ Jay‚’ I heard nasty phlegm rattling around as he cleared his throat. ‘You have until next Friday. Midnight.’

That’s when I fucked up.

‘C’mon Silas‚ be fair.’ Silas stopped pacing sharply. He turned on his heel and faced me. My words seemed to echo around the room.

Silas took his eyes off me and glanced behind me‚ and before I had a chance to turn I was being lifted off my seat by my hair‚ pulled sideways over the arm of the chair. I scrunched my face in pain as Staples tightened his grip. I could feel cold metal around my ear as a stapler was clamped around it. Before I could react‚ Silas was on top of me‚ straddling me‚ laughing manically. He had the blade of the nail clippers in my nose‚ stretching my nostril. I stopped wriggling and froze. I didn’t want my ear pierced or my nose sliced.

‘What did you say to me‚ boy?’ Silas hissed.

‘Nothing‚’ I said‚ as the stench of toenail clippings reached my brain and his erection dug into my chest. I wanted to vomit.

‘That’s what I thought‚’ Silas said‚ as he dismounted. Staples released the grip on my hair and moved the stapler away.

I was breathing hard. Silas took his seat opposite me.