S.D. Robertson - If Ever I Fall

‘What about me? Don’t I have a watch?’

Miles wrinkles his nose and sucks air in through his teeth. ‘Um, no. Not any more. That was one of the conditions of you moving in here.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I didn’t force it upon you. You agreed.’

‘Agreed to what?’

‘To drop it over the cliff into the sea. We made a bit of a ceremony of it on the night you moved in. We had had a lot to drink. Don’t worry, it wasn’t a Rolex or anything. It was just a basic digital watch.’

‘Hang on a minute. Is that what also happened to my mobile?’

Miles nods. ‘Sorry. I probably should have made that clear last time, but I didn’t want to overwhelm you with too much information at that stage.’

‘So I willingly dropped them both into the sea? You have to be kidding.’

He shrugs. ‘House rules.’

‘And my wallet?’

‘What about it?’

‘I don’t seem to have one of those either.’

‘Oh, right. I see. Really? I’m sorry, but I don’t know anything about that. It’s not something we ever discussed.’

He looks genuinely puzzled, but it’s not like I know him well enough to read him.

‘I must have had to spend money at some point while I’ve been here.’

Miles shakes his head. ‘Like I told you before, you work for your bed and board. There’s no money involved in our arrangement. Never has been.’

‘What about in the pub? You said we met there.’

‘That’s right.’

‘And? How do I buy drinks?’

‘You don’t. We only go occasionally and, when we do, I pay. That’s also part of the deal.’

‘Really. What about the first time?’

‘Yes, you probably bought some drinks then. It was a while ago. I can’t remember the ins and outs. Listen, what are you getting at? Are you trying to suggest I’ve stolen your wallet?’

The thought has crossed my mind, but I don’t want him to know that. Not at this stage. ‘No, don’t be stupid. It seems strange I don’t have one, that’s all. I thought it might give me some more information about myself.’

‘You seem very suspicious today, Jack. I appreciate how frustrating your amnesia must be, but remember, I’m not your enemy. All I’m trying to do is help you.’

I nod, as if in agreement, but the truth is I don’t know what to believe. How can I when my whole life is a void? I’ve no frame of reference for anything.

Did I imagine the woman in red? That’s certainly the simplest explanation. And yet she seemed so real. My head’s a mess. Nothing makes any sense. I need help – and I’m not sure Miles is the best person to provide it.

Dear Sam,

Back again, as promised. So I was telling you how Rick and I had picked up the girls from school together, wasn’t I?

We agreed that Rick would follow me back home in his car – a white Mercedes. Ruby and Anna wanted to travel together, so I said they could ride in the back with me. Bad decision, as it turned out. Their chatter combined with my giddy feelings about Rick meant I wasn’t paying as much attention as I should have been. Next thing I knew, I was slamming my foot on the brake to avoid a boy who darted into the road after his football. Luckily I didn’t hit him and Rick stopped short of rear-ending me, thus avoiding a total disaster. But it was a close call and Anna started crying.

‘Are you all right, love?’ I asked her, after taking a deep breath to stop myself from swearing. ‘I’m really sorry about that.’

She shook her head and pointed to her tongue.

‘Eww, it’s bleeding,’ Ruby said, helpfully, causing Anna to cry even more.

‘Oh dear,’ I said, leaning into the back of the car. ‘Let’s have a look.’

Anna pushed her tongue out like it was the most painful thing in the world; as if it might fall off at any minute.

‘Yes, it is bleeding a little,’ I told her. ‘You must have caught it with your teeth. Don’t worry. It’ll be all right in no time. Things heal really quickly inside your mouth.’

She stared at me in disbelief through her red, tear-soaked eyes. I guessed she wanted her dad, but knowing we’d be at the house in a couple of minutes, I thought it best to keep on going. I ran my right forefinger under her chin and gave her a reassuring smile. ‘When we get home, I’ll give you a special drink to make it better.’

I could see Rick in his car behind us, wondering what was going on, so I gave him a wave and mouthed that it was okay. He nodded back at me and then, all of a sudden, he jerked violently in his seat and his car bunny-hopped forward, stopping just short of my bumper. He was out of there in a flash, racing towards the rear of his Mercedes to see the damage. Some idiot had gone into the back of him. Goodness knows how, when he’d been at a standstill for the last couple of minutes.

I pulled my Golf into the side of the road. Instructing Ruby to look after Anna, who was still too upset about her tongue to work out what had happened, I waited until Rick was done talking to the other driver. Then I locked the girls in the car for a minute and walked across to see if I could help.

‘Are you all right?’ I asked Rick. He nodded, explaining that the other driver – a woman picking up her grandchild from school in a small Citroen – had been profusely apologetic. Both cars were visibly damaged but still drivable; he wasn’t unduly concerned.

‘Give me a second to write down my details for her,’ he said.

‘I feel awful,’ I replied. ‘If I’d not had to stop like I did, none of this would have happened. A boy ran out into the road and I almost hit him. Not that you’d have thought it from his reaction. He raced off like it was nothing.’

‘I know. I saw. Don’t worry about it. What else could you have done? Listen, I’m not bothered about the damage to the car. It’s nothing that can’t be fixed and the insurance will be straightforward because she went into the back of me. I wasn’t even moving. How are the girls?’

‘Anna’s a little upset. She bit her tongue when I braked, but it’s only a small cut. It’ll heal in no time. Ruby’s watching over her.’

‘Really? Oh dear. Do you mind waiting with my car for a minute while I check on her?’

‘No, of course not.’

I handed him my keys and he nipped over to have a few words and a quick cuddle with Anna.

‘Thanks,’ he said, flashing me a grin on his return. ‘It looks like she’ll live.’

I offered to make Anna a saltwater rinse when we got home, but she declined. Her injury was soon forgotten once she and Ruby disappeared upstairs to play.

‘Cup of tea?’ I asked Rick. ‘Or do you need something stronger?’

He laughed. ‘Tea would be great. Nice place you have here, by the way.’

Honestly, Sam, I couldn’t believe how relaxed he was about the whole thing with his car. I’d have been in a right state if it was me. After I apologised again and he brushed it off, we barely talked about that any more. Despite it all, we ended up having a really good chat. It was the first time in ages I’d had a proper one-to-one with anyone, never mind a gorgeous man. He had this intense way of talking to me with his eyes fixed on mine the whole time, like he really cared about what I had to say. It’s been a while since I’ve felt as though anyone cared.

Not that I told him much. Certainly nothing about you. It didn’t feel right at this stage. That was probably why his intensity surprised me, as neither of us went that deep into our lives. It was all superficial stuff about the school and what it’s like bringing up a daughter; bits and bobs about the neighbourhood and TV programmes we’ve enjoyed. It was clear that we both live on our own with our kids, but for some reason neither of us went into specifics. Maybe we’d have got there eventually. But then Ruby broke her arm.