Derek Landy - Armageddon Outta Here - The World of Skulduggery Pleasant

“He couldn’t make it.”

“He sent you instead?”

“Yes, he did,” said Valkyrie

“You’re his assistant, then?”

“Partner.”

“You’re a child.”

“You’re a goblin.”

“Only on the outside.”

“And on the inside you steal babies. Looks and personality.”

“I don’t like you.”

“You just have to get to know me,” she said. “Are we going to stand around talking all night, or are we going to do this ransom thing?”

“The skeleton should be here,” the third goblin, Fintan, mumbled.

“Shut up,” Liam barked. “We’ll settle that later. Right now, give her the brats. I want to see that gold.”

Colm and Fintan walked forward, bringing with them an interesting aroma of dried sweat and boiled cabbage. They put the babies on the ground, close to Valkyrie, and the babies gurgled and made baby noises.

The goblins stepped back, rejoined their brother.

“Now,” Liam said with a snaggle-toothed smile, “give us our payment.”

“And then you’ll let us go?”

“Of course.”

“Why don’t I believe you?”

Liam shrugged. “A deal’s a deal – we held up our part, now you have to do the same.”

If things turned nasty, Valkyrie would only be able to scoop up one of the kids before the goblins were on her. The goblins didn’t look very fast, so she’d probably be able to beat them to the door, but it would mean leaving two babies here. She didn’t see any alternative, however, and the goblins’ patience was running out.

She tossed the bag, and Liam caught it and yanked open the drawstring. He let the gold coins spill out into his hand.

Fintan licked his lips. “They real? Liam, they real?”

Liam put one of the coins in his mouth and sucked on it a moment, then reached his grimy fingers between his lips to retrieve it. “It’s gold,” he said happily. His wide eyes glinted.

“Pleasure doing business,” Valkyrie said, hunkering down to the kids.

“You’re not leaving,” said Liam.

Valkyrie sighed. “Is this a double-cross?”

“That’s what this is. It’d be better if the skeleton was here instead of you, but when we send him your head, wrapped up in a pretty bow, he’ll come looking for us and we’ll get him then.”

“You have issues with Skulduggery?”

“We hate him,” Fintan snarled. “He’s the one responsible for turning us into creatures of slime and bad breath.”

“I see,” said Valkyrie. “Before you kill me, can I ask you a question?”

Liam laughed. “Go ahead.”

“Thank you. My question is, what makes you think I came alone?”

Liam’s smile faded. “What?”

“You know Skulduggery, right? You’ve gone up against him before. You know how smart he is.”

“Not that smart,” Colm grumbled.

“And he knows you,” Valkyrie continued. “He knows how treacherous you are, and he’s told me how you never keep your side of a bargain, and how you always double-cross …”

Liam frowned. “So?”

“So smile, goblin. Skulduggery Pleasant has been here all along, and tonight’s the night when he gets to kick your green and wrinkly little—”

There was a crash on the roof above them and the rotten wood splintered and gave, and Skulduggery fell through and hit the ground with his face.

“Oh my God,” he muttered as he lay there. “Oh my God, that hurt.”

Valkyrie hesitated. No one made a move, and no one made a sound. Even the babies had stopped gurgling. The goblins grinned. Valkyrie chewed her lip.

“This is … slightly unexpected,” she said.

Skulduggery Pleasant, the skeleton detective, his blue suit ripped and streaked with dirt, rolled on to his back and groaned. If his skull had features, they would surely be twisted in pain. “Don’t move,” he managed to say. “You’re all under arrest.”

The goblins laughed.

“You think you’re the only one with back-up?” Liam grinned at Valkyrie. “You think you’re the only one with a surprise?”

Valkyrie glared at him. “So who’ve you got out there? More of your little buddies? Some assassins? Couple of monsters, maybe? Because I have to tell you, we’ve faced them all, and we keep winning.”

“No assassins,” Liam said. “No monsters. Just Peg.”

“Who’s Peg?”

Liam sneered. “Oh, of course, you haven’t met our sister, have you? Peg’ll be the one who threw your friend there through the roof. Peg! ”

A massive shape filled the doorway, and Peg the Ugly Goblin stepped in. She was twice Valkyrie’s height, and had legs as wide as tree trunks, and arms as wide as her legs. Her body was a solid slab of meat, clothed in what appeared to be a half dozen grimy wedding dresses sewn together, and her hair hung long and lank over her face.

Skulduggery got unsteadily to his feet. “Don’t worry,” he told Valkyrie. “I have her on the ropes now.”

“She threw you over a church,” Valkyrie pointed out.

For a moment he was silent. And then he said, “Not all the way over.”

“Skuluggy,” Peg moaned. “Oo uv me.”

Valkyrie frowned. “Did she just say what I think she said?”

Skulduggery shook his head quickly. “No.”

Peg took another few steps inside. Her brothers cackled and let her pass.

“Skuluggy,” Peg moaned again. “I uv oo.”

Skulduggery glanced at Valkyrie. “OK. She may have a thing for me.”

“She loves you?”

“Well, yes, but I assure you, it’s very unrequited.”

Liam grinned. “Weren’t expecting this , were you, Mr Detective? Probably thought, once a mountain fell on her, you’d seen the last of our sister, eh?”

“To be honest,” Skulduggery said, “yes.”

“She’s tougher than she looks,” Fintan said.

“Now that’s an achievement,” Skulduggery murmured.

Peg stood there, a wall in a wedding dress, and held her arms out. A swollen tongue dragged itself over her cracked lips, and she struggled to form her next word.

“Kiss,” she said.

Valkyrie arched an eyebrow. Skulduggery nodded, more to himself than anybody else.

“I’m going to have to let her down gently,” he said, and ran forward and leaped, slamming both feet into Peg’s belly. She roared in anger and swiped at him and he dodged, kicking at the back of her knee. She barely noticed.

The three brothers were coming for Valkyrie. She clicked the fingers of her right hand and made a spark, then caught the spark and cultivated it into a flame that burned in her hand.

Fintan was closest. She reached out with her left hand, feeling the air against her skin. He ran at her and she felt the space between them, felt how it connected, and when she found the right spot she splayed her hand and snapped her palm and the air rippled and hit Fintan like a truck. He flew back and smacked into the church wall.

The fire in her other hand was burning fiercely and she threw it. The fireball hit Colm’s ragged coat and he shrieked and stumbled back, tearing it off. He raised his head to see her running straight at him, but couldn’t do anything to stop the elbow that smashed into his jaw. He spun around, then tipped over backwards and didn’t get up.

Liam rushed her and she tried to move but she wasn’t fast enough. She was taken off her feet and slammed into the ground, Liam’s hands at her throat, trying to throttle her.

Behind him, she saw Peg strike Skulduggery. He hurtled into the shadows.

Valkyrie tried breaking Liam’s grip, but his fingers were short and thick and she couldn’t pry them loose. She grabbed his wrist and twisted, but he was too strong. His fingers dug into her throat and black spots flashed in her vision, her head swimming. She brought her hands in, felt the air between herself and the goblin, but Liam scuttled up, knelt on her left hand and pinned it to the ground. He took one hand from her throat and held her right wrist away from him.