Lauren Child - Blink and You Die

‘You promise not to get all flappy?’

‘Why would I get flappy?’ replied Clancy.

‘OK,’ she said, ‘if you want to know so bad, I’ll tell you.’

Clancy waited.

‘It was all down to Hitch. It was him who was keen I should go, it was him who came up with the idea and wanted me to hunker down at geek camp,’ said Ruby.

Clancy looked confused. ‘Hitch is interested in your mathematical development?’

‘Hitch is interested in me continuing to breathe,’ said Ruby, ‘and I’m kinda interested in the same thing. The geek camp was just a way of getting me away and out of Twinford while he assessed the situation and made things secure back home.’

‘Assessed what situation?’

‘The situation regarding who might want me dead.’

Clancy let go of his donut and it splashed into his tea.

‘Clance, are you OK?’

‘Hitch thinks you’re on some kinda hit list?’ said Clancy, his voice unsteady.

‘Well, maybe …’ she said.

‘That’s why you were in the middle of nowhere for four whole weeks.?’ He paused. ‘But are you sure it’s safe for you to be home?’

‘Safe as it’s ever possible to be,’ said Ruby. ‘So long as I stay inside the house for the rest of my life everything should be fine.’

‘It’s not funny Rube.’

‘I know,’ said Ruby. ‘I’m not really laughing, you know that, don’t you?’

‘So is it the Count?’ asked Clancy.

‘Well, a month ago I would have said yes,’ said Ruby. ‘But the last thing he told me down in that crypt was that he had decided not to kill me.’

‘Why?’

‘Apparently he changed his mind.’

‘He actually said that?’ asked Clancy.

‘He said it was in his best interests for me to keep on breathing.’

‘Well, that’s kind of worrying, don’t you think?’ said Clancy.

‘Why?’ asked Ruby.

‘Because it sounds like there might be some other crazed killer out there.’

‘Yeah, well, I think there is,’ agreed Ruby.

‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ said Clancy.

‘I’m telling you now,’ said Ruby.

‘So?’

‘So what?’ said Ruby.

‘So the other thing you’re not telling me.’

‘What thing?’ said Ruby.

‘I don’t know,’ said Clancy. ‘That’s why I’m asking.’

‘OK …’ she said, ‘but don’t get all worked up … you gotta …’

‘I knew it!’ he said. ‘Something happened, didn’t it? It was just after I got outta hospital, after the Halloween pageant, the day before you went off to camp, am I right, am I, am I right?’ Now he was beginning to flap.

‘Clance, you promised you wouldn’t flap.’

Clancy ignored her and continued flapping.

‘Look Clance, the thing is …’

But he wasn’t finished. ‘Something spooked you, really spooked you.’ He was getting all dramatic now, Ruby hated when he got all dramatic – at least, hated when he got dramatic about things that were actually already dramatic.

‘Then you suddenly took off without a word. I knew there had to be a bigger reason than hanging out with nerds at some crummy nerd camp and I knew there had to be a bigger reason than just the usual Count encounter.’

‘Just the usual Count encounter …?’ spluttered Ruby. ‘The usual—’

‘So what was it that spooked you just after Halloween?’ interrupted Clancy.

‘Well, it wasn’t any kids dressed up as ghouls, I can promise you that,’ said Ruby.

‘That I figured,’ said Clancy. ‘But why didn’t you tell me what happened, you know, after … that night in the crypt –’ his voice was a little shaky now – ‘with the undead and … and, you know –’ he paused, before whispering – ‘the psychopath.’

‘Just a regular Tuesday night in Twinford.’

But Clancy was in no mood for making light. He was just looking at her, waiting for her to spill the beans.

She breathed in a long slow breath, exhaled and stared back at him.

‘Well, I was going to tell you, of course I was, but I needed time to think.’

‘About what?’ asked Clancy.

‘Everything,’ she replied. ‘It’s a big deal what I know, and I haven’t told a soul.’

‘No one? But you musta told Hitch?’

Ruby shook her head.

‘Blacker?’ asked Clancy.

‘No one,’ said Ruby.

‘So,’ said Clancy, ‘what is it?’

‘Not here,’ said Ruby, looking around. ‘Let’s move to that booth in the corner. I don’t want to risk being overheard – you know, walls have ears and all that.’

They slid off their stools and took their drinks over to the other side of the diner where the lighting was dimmer and the customers fewer.

‘So,’ said Ruby, ‘ever heard the phrase “a bad apple”?’

CLANCY DID NOT HAVE TIME to answer Ruby’s question, nor to wonder what apples had to do with anything, because they were interrupted.

‘Hey! Ruby!’

The voice came from across the busy diner and belonged to Elliot Finch.

‘You’re back,’ he called.

Ruby peered at her reflection in the chrome serviette dispenser. She nodded. ‘It would seem so.’

Elliot tapped his head and said, ‘I saw Bug lying by the diner door and I thought to myself, Ruby must be in here somewhere.’

‘Quite the little Sherlock Holmes,’ said Ruby.

Elliot slid into the seat next to Clancy. ‘So how’s the fruit baby?’

‘What?’ said Ruby.

‘He’s talking about the Lemon,’ explained Clancy.

The Lemon was Archie Lemon, one-year-old son of the Redforts’ neighbours Niles and Elaine Lemon, and a baby very lucky to be alive. Had it not been for Ruby’s decision to use him as a prop in the Halloween parade, Archie Lemon would have been asleep in his bedroom and the Twinford Tornado would have taken him with it when it whirled into the Lemons’ home, destroying Archie’s room. However, Archie had survived and his parents could not thank Ruby enough. In fact, it was getting to be a problem.

‘It must be cool,’ said Elliot.

‘It’s not,’ said Ruby.

‘Being a hero’s not cool?’ said Elliot.

‘I’m not a hero,’ said Ruby.

‘You saved that kid’s life,’ said Elliot.

‘I borrowed that baby because I needed him to play the part of Baby Grim in the pageant. I needed him because I wanted us to win. If we had won, we would have got prize money. That’s not heroic, it’s self-serving.’

‘But you saved his life,’ insisted Elliot.

‘Luck,’ said Ruby. ‘Coulda been the other way around, coulda been the tornado hit the pageant and it would all have been my fault and they woulda hated me for all eternity.’

‘Life is fickle,’ said Clancy.

‘People are fickle,’ corrected Ruby.

‘Still, it must be great, his parents thinking you’re a hero, even if you’re not … technically, I mean.’

‘It’s a pain in the butt,’ said Ruby. ‘Elaine calls round all the time asking me how I am.’ She sighed. ‘ And she keeps giving me stuff.’

‘She’s giving you stuff?’ Elliot’s eyes grew big. ‘Like gifts and things?’

‘Yeah,’ said Ruby.

‘Oh boy,’ said Elliot, ‘I would love that.’

‘Would you?’ said Ruby. ‘Really? Cos I got a whole bunch of super ugly sweaters you can have: pink ones, purple ones, kitten ones …’

‘That’s what she’s giving you? Sweaters? Why sweaters?’ asked Clancy.

‘Her sister owns an “ugly knitwear” business,’ said Ruby.