Kerry Barnes - The Rules

Eric leaned forward and rubbed her shoulder. ‘You ain’t on your own, Zara. I’ll help. I can drive you to a meeting tomorrow, if you’d like me to.’

Unexpectedly, Zara’s eyes filled up and two large tears cascaded down her cheeks. She hastily brushed them away and tried to push herself out of the chair.

Eric quickly assisted, by sliding his arm under hers. ‘Hey, Zara, what’s the matter, babe?’

His gentle words almost had her blubbering. ‘Oh, I’m so worried about Neil. I don’t know what I’d do if anything happened to him.’ As soon as she said that, she felt his grip tighten.

‘I didn’t know you and Neil were so close.’

‘Yes, very close, actually. We worked together for five years. He was always popping in to see I was okay. The Lanigans were good to me, you know.’ Her mind preoccupied, the severe look on his face escaped her, but she sensed his prickly tone.

‘How good were they, Zara?’

Not realizing there was a dark undercurrent to his voice, however, she just smiled sweetly and replied, ‘Like family, really. It was such a bonus when you have no one.’

She excused herself to use the cloakroom. Once behind the closed door, she allowed the tears to fall for many reasons. With Neil now fighting for his life and that niggling doubt that she couldn’t compete with a younger woman, a multitude of emotions swept through her mind. But the worst of them was that she didn’t feel a complete woman. She sat on the toilet seat and tried desperately hard not to allow herself to sob. She had to pull herself together; this was a homecoming for Mike, Ricky, and the boys, and, more than that, she had to hold her head up and show she was still a woman in control. Her weakness and vulnerability must not show through. She had to demonstrate she was the same person who could lead a firm – her firm.

After splashing some water on her face, she left and walked back into the garden. The lights had come on. She spotted Mike with his back to her; he was engaged in conversation with Jennifer, the leggy blonde, and Eric was with them.

As Eric clocked her standing there, he quickly nudged Mike. Right away, Zara felt as though Eric was giving Mike the heads-up that she was watching. Instead of joining their company, she turned around and looked for Gloria. Everyone seemed to be in high spirits and chitchatting. For Zara, it was a stark reminder that apart from Mike’s family, she had no one. Pull yourself together , Zara , she thought.

Pouring herself a drink, she felt a presence behind her and hoped it was Mike, but, as she craned her neck, it was Eric. ‘Are you okay, babe?’ he whispered.

She nodded and glanced back at Mike, to find him heading her way.

‘There she is, the love of my life. Where were you, darling? No one knew where you were.’

She looked at Eric, who, surprisingly, winked. She wondered if he was trying to tell her something.

‘Oh, I was in the cloakroom. So, are you having fun, Mikey?’

With a pint in his hand and his cheeks glowing red, he nodded. ‘Aah, this means so much, here with my family, my mates. Let’s get this party going.’ He spun round and shouted to Ricky to turn the music up. Zara knew then he was pissed, and she suddenly felt drained. Mike was getting warmed up, and she was ready for bed. It was yet another reminder that she was less than the woman she was before.

Ricky was in his element. Gloria was showing him off to everyone, and he felt a different person. For the first time in his life, he felt he had control, with no one stopping him from doing anything. He drank, he ate, and he could play any song he wanted to. The hugs and kisses were endless. All the guests had something complimentary to say, but the one thing that lifted his shoulders and made him proud were the words, ‘You, Ricky, are your father’s double, a chip off the old block.’

He knew the best song to play: it was ‘Happy’ by Pharrell Williams. That would get everyone in the spirit. As soon as the song came on, Mike threw his hands in the air and began dancing. Ricky was in stitches because it seemed so funny to see his father, the giant, the dangerous badass man, skipping and turning with two left feet and not giving a shit what people thought.

Staffie and Willie were equally inexpert: with pints in their hands, they bopped around, singing the words at the top of their voices. Mike waved Zara over to join them.

Zara felt awkward and was on the point of walking away, but Mike laughed. ‘Come on, Zara, show us how it’s done.’ But his playful mood suddenly plummeted as he went to grab her left hand and realized that it was no longer there. Her humiliation was written all over her face, and she couldn’t hold back how she felt by laughing it off. Instead, she started to walk away, but as she turned, there, in front of her, was Jennifer, swinging her hips and waving her arms. Zara skirted around her, holding back the tears.

Once she was in the safety of the empty kitchen, she took a deep breath; it was all too much. She should pack her things and return to her father’s home. Seeing a packet of cigarettes on the worktop, she tipped one out, placed it in her mouth, and lit the end. The first drag was soothing and let her muscles relax; the second one started to ease her mind. Taking a glance out of the window, she saw Jennifer grab Mike’s hands and dance, showing off her body by exaggerating her sexy moves. He was looking around, no doubt wondering where she’d gone, but as Zara continued to watch, it was apparent that Mike’s concern was short-lived; he was swigging back a fresh pint that was placed in his hand. If she went home tonight, she would look like a jealous girlfriend with the strops. She took one last drag on her cigarette and stubbed it out. Deciding to head for her room, she filled a glass with cold water, irritated by how long and awkward it was with her disability, and then, with the sob trapped in her throat, she went upstairs for solitude.

Within a minute, there was a knock at the door, followed by a deep voice. ‘Can I come in?’

She assumed it was Mike and sat up straight on the bed. ‘Yeah.’

But as the door opened, there, taking up the doorway, was Eric. ‘Hey, babe, what’s the matter? Are you okay?’

His sympathetic eyes almost caused the trapped sob to leave. She breathed in through her nose to clear the emotion. ‘Yeah, I’m fine. I feel a little under the weather, and, obviously, I’m concerned about Neil. I just thought that rather than dampen the mood, I’d take myself off to bed. If Mike asks where I am, would you just say I’m asleep? That I drank too much or something?’

He eased his way into the room and sat beside her. ‘Listen, Zara, Mike dancing with Jennifer is nothing. Serving a big lump means catching up, and once he has it out of his system, he’ll be back to the old Mikey you know. Just give him time.’

Zara stiffened. She wasn’t the type of woman to live like that – a husband getting his oats just because he’d missed out for twelve years. It wasn’t as if she’d had it easy herself. She’d been locked up too. ‘Well, maybe I should move out and give him time for, as you say, “catching up”.’

Eric stroked her hair. ‘You and Mikey will be fine. He’s just pissed and enjoying himself.’

She would have removed Eric’s hand, but her self-esteem and attempt at being in control were slowly ebbing away, so she let him continue. ‘I’m going to move back home. Eric, would you drive me tomorrow? I can’t . . . ’ She broke off as the tears fell and the sob escaped. In between broken words, she cried, ‘I am useless, now, I can’t do this . . . Mike deserves a real woman . . . and my business. Jesus, how can I run that?’

She wiped her face and cleared her throat. ‘I’m going to sell up everything and let the Lanigans take over completely. My dad was wrong. I just don’t have it in me.’