Joan Wolf - To The Castle

For Nell, the time until the date set for her marriage went by far too quickly. Every morning she woke up thinking, I’m another day closer to my wedding. And her stomach would churn and wouldn’t stop churning until she finally fell asleep again at night. She had no appetite and she lost weight, to the dismay of the ladies who were altering Sybilla’s clothes to fit her.

“You must eat,” her mother scolded her one afternoon as they sat at the table for dinner.

Nell looked at the food on her plate and her stomach heaved. “I’m not hungry, Mama,” she said.

Her mother said worriedly, “You didn’t have any weight to spare when you first arrived here, and this refusal to eat is making you look like the daughter of a poverty-stricken house.”

The earl, who had been in conversation with his chaplain, turned his head. “What is the matter here?” he asked his wife.

Lady Alice hesitated, then she said, “Nell is not eating properly, my lord. She grows too thin.”

The earl frowned at Nell. “What is the matter with you? The food at Bardney is of the best.”

“The food here is wonderful, Father,” Nell said quickly. “It’s just that I am not hungry.”

“If you are fasting, I am here to tell you that this is not the time. You are not a religious any longer, Nell. You are my daughter and I want you to eat.”

He turned to the chaplain. “Tell her, Father, that it is not appropriate for her to fast.”

Before the priest could speak, Nell said quickly, “I’m not fasting, Father. I’m just not hungry.”

“I don’t care if you are hungry or not. You will eat,” the earl said.

Nell’s stomach heaved at the thought. “I don’t think I can,” she said.

“Nonsense.” The earl scowled at her. “Pick up a piece of pork and eat it.”

Nell picked up the pork with her fingers. She looked at her mother. “It won’t harm you,” Lady Alice said. “Go ahead and eat it.”

Nell put the meat into her mouth. She chewed twice. Her stomach heaved and she shoved back her bench, got up and ran for the stairs. She threw up in the rushes before she was halfway there.

She heard her father curse.

Nell wrapped her arms around herself and stayed where she was. She had never felt so humiliated in her entire life. She had vomited in front of everyone! She shuddered and squeezed her eyes shut so she wouldn’t have to look at the disgusting mess on the floor.

“It’s all right, Nell.” It was Aunt Alida’s voice close to her shoulder. “Martin will have someone clean it up. Come along with me and we’ll go upstairs.”

“You will both stay right here.” It was her father’s voice. “Nell may have gotten away with such behavior in the convent, but it won’t work here. If she doesn’t want to eat, that’s her choice. But she will sit with her family at dinner regardless of what she eats herself.”

Aunt Alida took her hand and squeezed it gently. “Come and have something to drink,” she said in a low voice. “Your mouth must taste terrible.”

I hate him, Nell thought. He doesn’t care about me at all. All he cares about is getting the earldom of Wiltshire.

She dropped her head so she would not have to look at anyone and let her aunt turn her and lead her back to the table.

The wedding party arrived at Bardney two afternoons before the wedding was to take place. Nell was in the ladies’ solar when a page came to inform them of her bridegroom’s arrival and to summon Lady Alice and Nell to the Great Hall. Nell was already dressed in her new finery, a fine white linen undertunic with embroidery at the cuffs and neck, and over it a dark blue overtunic, fitted closely to the waist from which it flowed out freely. Wrapped twice around her narrow waist she wore a jeweled belt and her two long brown plaits fell across her shoulders and almost touched the belt.

Nell felt numb as she walked with her mother down the main staircase that led into the Great Hall. She could scarcely even pray; all she could think was Please God, please God, please God…

The visitors were standing with her father in front of the fireplace. One of the men was tall; the other was of medium height. And slim.

That must be Roger, Nell thought.

With her eyes on the floor, she walked with her mother across the hall. When they had almost reached the fireplace her father stepped forward and offered her his arm. Thus supported, she was brought to meet her bridegroom.

“Earl William and Lord Roger,” her father said. “I am pleased to introduce to you my daughter, Eleanor.”

Nell curtsied to the earl, then turned to Roger. For the first time she lifted her eyes.

He was very handsome. His hair was dark gold and his eyes were golden, as well. She thought they bore an expression of relief.

“My lord,” she managed to say. “You are welcome to Bardney.”

“I am pleased to be here, my lady,” he replied, and smiled at her. He had a nice smile; his teeth were white and even.

Nell tried and failed to smile back.

Everyone, including the pages who sat on a bench along the wall, watched the two of them. Nell turned to her mother for help.

“Nell, why don’t you show Lord Roger around the bailey?” Lady Alice suggested. “I’m sure you two young people would like to spend some time together.”

The last thing Nell wanted was to be alone with her future husband. She gave her mother a reproachful look, but it was too late. The words had been spoken.

“Would you like to see the bailey, my lord?” she asked Roger. Her eyes were on a level with his mouth. At least he didn’t tower over her, like her father did.

“I would like that very much,” he said. He sounded courteous and she peeked a look upward. His eyes were grave.

“Go along, Nell,” her father said. “Be sure to show Roger my horses.”

“Yes, Father,” Nell said. Then to Roger, “Will you come with me?”

He fell in beside her and together they crossed the wide expanse of the Great Hall. Nell could feel everyone watch them as they went.

“I’m afraid I’m not overly acquainted with the bailey, my lord,” Nell said as they approached the door, “but I’ll do my best to show you around.”

“Are you called Nell?” he asked.

“Yes. My given name is Eleanor, but I have always been called Nell.”

He nodded. “Well then, Nell, why are you not acquainted with the bailey of your own castle?”

Her name sounded strange on this strange man’s lips. She said, “I have only been home for a month, my lord, and we have been busy making wedding clothes the whole time.”

They had arrived at the front door of the castle, which was open to let in the air. He looked at her curiously. “If you were not at Bardney all this time, then where were you?”

They walked through the door and started across the inner bailey, toward the portcullis gate. She shot him a swift, upward look. “They haven’t told you?”

He shook his head. Gold glinted from his hair in the sunlight. “They have told me nothing,” he said. “It seemed as if your father produced you out of nowhere, like a magician. My grandfather and I had always thought that Sybilla was an only daughter.”

Nell drew in a deep, steadying breath. “I was in the convent,” she said. “My parents sent me there when my brother was born. Then, when Sybilla died, they changed their minds.”

Roger was silent as they passed under the lifted portcullis gate. As they emerged into the large enclosure that was the outer bailey, he said slowly, “So that was the mystery. We wondered where this other daughter had come from.”

“I can’t imagine why they didn’t tell you,” Nell said.

He looked down at her. “I suppose your parents didn’t think it was important and my grandfather didn’t care. All that mattered to him was that there was another daughter.” He gave her a fleeting grin. “But I wondered where you had come from. I had a few unpleasant ideas, I can tell you that.”