Joan Wolf - To The Castle

Conversation at the high table was suspended while the earl read his letter. Then he rolled it up again and put it on the table next to his wineglass. He turned to his wife.

“All is well,” he said. “They want to proceed as quickly as possible.”

Lady Alice glanced at Nell. “It might be wise to wait a little, my lord.”

The earl shook his head. “This is a great matter, not something to be delayed because of a girl’s sensibilities. I will write to Lord William that we will be ready to receive him in two weeks’ time.”

Lady Alice did not reply.

“You haven’t seen the falcons yet, Nell,” Alida said brightly to Nell. “After dinner why don’t you come with me to look at them?”

Nell looked at her aunt. “That would be nice, Aunt Alida. Thank you.”

There was a smile on Lord Raoul’s lips. “A little more wine here, if you please,” he called heartily. One of the squires who was standing behind the table hastened forward with the wine for his lord.

Lord Raoul took a deep swallow, then he turned to Nell. “Never mind the falcons. Your mother and I want to talk to you after dinner, Nell. You will attend us in the family solar.”

“Yes, Father,” Nell said with some surprise. Her father had paid very little attention to her since she had come home.

When dinner was finished, mother, father and daughter climbed the stairs to the tower room that was the private family solar. The room was well furnished and comfortable, with a charcoal brazier for heat in the winter. The earl sat in a wide, carved, high-backed chair and his wife sat beside him. Her father waved Nell to a third chair that faced his. The chair was so high that Nell’s feet would not reach the ground, so she placed them on the embroidered footstool that was in front of it.

The earl began. “Nell, have you heard that your sister was betrothed to the grandson and heir of the Earl of Wiltshire?”

Nell clasped her hands tensely in her lap. She sensed that something big was forthcoming. “No, my lord,” she replied. “I did not know that.”

“The earldom of Wiltshire is very large,” her father explained. “And once the holdings of Wiltshire are combined with the holdings of Lincoln…Well, the man who holds that combined title will be almost as powerful as the king. So you can see that this marriage is a great thing for our house.”

Nell’s heart had begun to thud. She glanced at her mother. The countess was looking at her with an expression of pity in her eyes. Terror struck Nell’s heart. She thought she knew what was coming.

The earl continued on. “Sybilla’s death was a blow to my hopes, but fortunately I have another daughter. I wrote to the Earl of Wiltshire and today I have had his response. He is willing to see you wed to his grandson in place of Sybilla.”

Nell felt herself grow icy cold. She tried to speak and found she could not.

Her father said, “Earl William wants to see this marriage accomplished as soon as possible. I am going to write to tell him that we will be ready to receive him in two weeks’ time, on the date we set for the original wedding.”

“Her wardrobe will not be ready, my lord,” her mother interjected. “Surely we can put it off for a month at least.”

“That is not possible,” the earl said. “You were making clothes for Sybilla. Nell can wear those.”

Nell turned to her mother. “Mama, I am not ready to get married!”

Her mother said softly, “I am sorry this must come upon you so quickly, Nell. But you are the daughter of a great house. You must do your duty, I’m afraid.”

Nell could feel herself trembling. “You didn’t care about me when I was a child—you sent me away to the convent and forgot about me.” Her voice shook with anger. “And now you talk to me about my duty to my house? My duty is to God.”

The earl’s face darkened with anger. “Your duty is to obey your parents. I believe the Commandments—God’s Commandments—are very clear about that. And I tell you that you will marry Roger de Roche in two weeks’ time. That is all I have to say on this matter.” The earl stood up. His dark blue eyes looked very cold.

“Talk to your daughter,” he said to his wife.

Both women sat in silence as the earl exited from the room. Then Nell turned white-faced to her mother. “I don’t want to get married so soon, Mama! I don’t know anything about men. I have scarcely left the convent.”

Lady Alice leaned over and patted Nell’s clasped hands. “I know, my dear. But your father is set upon this great dynastic match and he won’t risk something happening to stop it. There is nothing I can say or do that will make him change his mind.”

Nell started to tremble all over. “I still feel a stranger at Bardney, and I have you and Aunt Alida. It will be terrible going to another castle, where I won’t know anyone.”

“Girls do it all the time, my dear. Perhaps Alida would go to stay with you for a few months.”

Nell didn’t say anything, she just continued to tremble.

“Sybilla was looking forward to this marriage,” Alice said brightly. “You will be a very great lady, Nell. You will have brought Lincoln, with all its castles and manors, into your husband’s keeping. He will reverence you for that.”

This can’t be happening, Nell thought with terror. She looked imploringly at her mother. “I’m just not ready for this, Mama,” she whispered.

Lady Alice came to sit on the arm of Nell’s chair and hugged her. “I will help you get ready,” she promised. “And, Nell, you must know it was very painful for me to send my little girl off to the convent. If I hadn’t thought that it was God’s will I could never have done it. And I missed you. Sybilla and Geoffrey could never fill the gap that you left.”

Nell turned her head and looked into her mother’s eyes. “Is that true?”

“Yes.”

“You used to come to visit me, but then you stopped.”

“Your father thought that I should leave you to the convent and not keep reasserting other ties. I could see that you were happy where you were, so I left you to immerse yourself in convent life. It was hard for me to do that, Nell. You may not believe that, but it was. Just as it was hard for me to send Geoffrey to be a squire in the Earl of Hertford’s castle. But that is the fate of a mother. You will find that out for yourself one day. We bear children, we love them, and then we must send them away to be brought up by other people. That is the way of the world, my dear. There is no use in railing against it.”

Nell thought it sounded like a dismal life. The convent, with its structured life, its warm, continuing friendships, was much more desirable.

“I don’t think I like the world, Mama,” she said in a little voice.

Her mother smiled. “You know nothing about the world, my dear. It may not be as safe as your convent, but it is brimming with life and love. Open yourself to life, Nell. Embrace it. Don’t look backwards. Don’t be afraid. Your future is an adventure where you might find happiness you never dreamed of. Give it a chance. Will you do that for me, sweeting?”

They’re making me marry a stranger, they’re sending me away again, and they want me to be happy?

Nell stared at her lap and didn’t answer.

Lady Alice started toward the door and after a moment Nell followed. I don’t want to get married, she thought desperately. I don’t want to get married.

But it was clear that her thoughts and feelings were of no matter to her father. It would serve him right if I died, too, she thought.

She fought back tears as she went with her mother down the stairs to the Great Hall. In her mind she turned for solace to the only friend she had. Dear God, she prayed, if it is your will that I marry this man, please give me the courage to face what must be faced. I beg you to help me, Father. I don’t know how I will be able to get through this alone.