Katy Birchall - The It Girl - Don't Tell the Bridesmaid

Diana shooed me out from behind the screen and at the same time Marianne appeared from behind hers. The expression on her face reflected exactly how I felt.

‘Oh, girls,’ Helena whispered, her eyes welling up.

THANK GOD. She must have realised that this was the worst decision she’d ever made and now it was going to be an absolute pain to change the bridesmaid dresses again – and with hardly any time to go before the Big Day. Plus it would cost a fortune so Dad wouldn’t be too happy about it. I actually felt a little sorry for her.

I prepared myself to say in my most comforting and reassuring voice, ‘Don’t worry, Helena, we can achieve this feat together,’ when her face broke into a Cheshire Cat smile.

‘You look so beautiful! It’s just what I wanted – the dresses are perfect!’ She jumped up and tottered over to Diana, embracing her and, as a tear of joy slid down her cheek, turned to us again and said, ‘I could not be happier. This was so terribly important to me. I’m so proud of my girls!’

I stood in shock, confused about whether there had been some kind of chemical leak nearby and everyone in the room was losing their vision or something.

I turned to my mum for confirmation but even she was nodding slowly, a hand on her heart as she took us both in. I made a face at her, attempting to convey through the medium of my eyes that she needed to speak up and say how awful we looked.

‘I think they look splendid, Helena; you are truly talented, Diana. What are you doing with your face, Anna? You look like you’re trying to impersonate Fenella’s dear little Chihuahua.’

‘Mum,’ Marianne began, picking her words carefully, ‘I love the colour bu–’

‘Oh, Marianne,’ Helena interrupted, breezing across the room and pulling Marianne into her arms, which in these dresses – with the skirt poofing out so much – was not easy. She had to go in from a side angle just to reach her. ‘I knew you’d love it! I am so lucky to have such a wonderful daughter!’

Marianne froze, unsure what to do as Helena dabbed her eyes. They all turned to look at me for my verdict. Marianne furrowed her brow in concentration at me and I knew she was trying to do what I had been attempting with Mum. She was desperate for me to tell the truth.

But how could I? Helena was so happy and the designer was standing next to me and do you know what she was holding? PINS. A load of very sharp pins. I had no choice.

‘I think these dresses are just . . . great.’

Marianne looked at the ceiling in despair.

‘Oh, Anna,’ Helena cried, coming over to embrace me and stroke the sleeves of the dress lovingly. ‘Don’t you just love all these ruffles?’

‘I . . . er sure do.’

‘And the skirts are so big and voluminous – I just love them!’

‘Yeah.’ I smiled weakly, trying to sound enthusiastic. ‘Are you sure we’ll all fit down the aisle? Ha ha.’

‘I think I need to take it in at the chest,’ Diana was saying, examining me closely. ‘I didn’t realise you were quite so small there.’

Brilliant, thanks for that, Diana.

‘Yes, she hasn’t developed in that area quite yet.’

Wonderful, thank you, Mum.

‘If only you could wear this dress to the family dinner we’re having before you head off to Rome on your adventure,’ Helena sighed. ‘Because then Connor could see you in it! Such a shame!’

‘Uh huh. That’s really . . . uh . . . That is a big shame.’

‘We should get out of them now,’ Marianne said hurriedly. ‘Don’t want to crease them. You know. Any more than they are. Ha ha.’

‘Good point, Marianne, you’re so thoughtful.’ Helena clapped her hands. ‘But don’t worry, darlings, just a few more weeks and the whole world will see you in these magnificent designs! Doesn’t that just make you want to cry ?’

Marianne and I exchanged a grimace. Helena had hit the nail on the head.

From: jess.delby@zingmail.co.uk

To: anna_huntley@zingmail.co.uk

Subject: So

Are you feeling nervous?

J x

P.S. Why aren’t you answering your phone?

From: anna_huntley@zingmail.co.uk

To: jess.delby@zingmail.co.uk

Subject: Re: So

Why would I be feeling nervous?

Love, me xxx

P.S. Dog gave my phone to Hamish. You know, the Pomeranian that lives down the road. His owner only just returned it.

From: jess.delby@zingmail.co.uk

To: anna_huntley@zingmail.co.uk

Subject: Re: So

Because you’re about to go for dinner with your whole family. And Connor.

What is it with your dog stealing your phone?!

J x

From: anna_huntley@zingmail.co.uk

To: jess.delby@zingmail.co.uk

Subject: Re: So

What’s the big deal about going for dinner with my family and Connor?

I think it’s kind of sweet what Dog did. Maybe it was Hamish’s birthday or something. Dog is very thoughtful that way.

From: jess.delby@zingmail.co.uk

To: anna_huntley@zingmail.co.uk

Subject: Re: So

Anna. For the last time. Dog is a DOG. He doesn’t understand birthday occasions. He doesn’t go out of his way to bring a present to the Pomeranian down the road. He is simply a canine thief.

Anyway, I’m glad you’re not nervous or anything. I was just worried you would be because of the time Danny and I went for dinner with your whole family.

You know, when we were at that Turkish restaurant and your mum and Helena joined in with the belly dancers and your dad drank all that raki or whatever it’s called and then told us the story about when a director told him he could be the next Brad Pitt, but he turned it down for the, and I quote, ‘bewitching nature of the written word’.

But that’s good you’re not worried! I’m sure it will be great.

Right I’m going to shut down my computer now and go check I’ve got everything ready to go for Rome for the hundredth time. I’M SO EXCITED!

Message me after. Now you have your phone back there’s no excuse.

J x

*

Hi! You’ve reached Jess. Leave me a message and I’ll give you a buzz.

*BEEP*

Jess. It’s me. Anna. You’re right. I can’t believe I didn’t stop to consider the family of weirdos I was born into and the disaster zone into which Connor is about to step. You have to HELP. How do I cancel the dinner?! ANSWER YOUR PHONE.

Hi! You’ve reached Jess. Leave me a message and I’ll give you a buzz.

*BEEP*

Jess, pick up, this is an emergency. Oh Lord, I just remembered when Mum and Marianne had just met and Mum told her a story about how she befriended a bushpig in Malawi. WHAT IF SHE TELLS CONNOR THE STORY ABOUT BEFRIENDING A BUSHPIG? Would you date someone whose mother told you a story about befriending a bushpig? Exactly. It’s all over.

Hi! You’ve reached Jess. Leave me a message and I’ll give you a buzz.

*BEEP*

Plan A has failed. Dad didn’t buy the story I told him about there being a panther on the loose, escaped from London Zoo, and we should all stay inside for our own safety. Turns out London Zoo doesn’t even HAVE panthers. I’ll have to come up with a Plan B. What kind of zoo doesn’t have panthers? Stupid zoo.

Hi! You’ve reached Jess. Leave me a message and I’ll give you a buzz.