Katy Birchall - The It Girl - Don't Tell the Bridesmaid

‘Anna!’ my dad yelled up the stairs. ‘You’re going to be late! Rebecca, Helena and Marianne will be here any minute. We’ve got to get everything packed up and ready!’

‘What’s Dog doing?’ I shouted back through my door.

‘What?’

‘I said, what is Dog doing?’ I carefully opened my door so I could peer out through the crack.

‘I don’t know, Anna,’ Dad said, exasperated. ‘I think he’s chewing on the Monopoly board in the sitting room. I’ve told you not to leave board games within his reach. Don’t you remember the incident with Snakes and Ladders?’

‘So, he’s distracted?’

‘Yes. He’s not passed Go yet.’ Dad laughed VERY loudly at his own joke.

‘Dad, I’m being serious! I need to know the coast is clear for me to bring my suitcase down.’

‘For goodness’ sake, Anna, just bring it down. Do you want me to come and help you with it?’

‘No! No, stay downstairs. If you come up here, he might know something is up. Act as normal as possible. Grab some paper and moan about deadlines or say something boring about the war like normal.’ I heard Dad mumble something about ungrateful teenagers as I opened my door wide enough for me to squeeze through with my suitcase. ‘Is the front door open?’

‘Yes.’

‘Is the boot open?’

‘Yes!’

‘OK, well, make sure you leave my pathway clear. I’m going to run down with the suitcase and quickly out the door, before throwing it in the boot without Dog seeing a thing. If Dog approaches, you need to alert me and I’ll run back up and hide the suitcase.’

‘Alert you?’

‘Yes. Secret code. Do a squawk or something.’

‘A squawk ? Anna, what are you talking about?’

I sighed at how slow he was being when we were already pressed for time. ‘That’s code for “Dog is on the move”.’

‘Or I could just say, Dog is on the move. You know, because he’s a dog and he doesn’t understand human speak?’ Dad huffed.

‘Yeah, that’s what you think. I know better. Is the coast clear? Maybe I should hunt out my walkie-talkies. They might be helpful.’

‘Anna, just come down the stairs and put your suitcase in the car before I lose my temper.’

‘FINE. But if Dog sees the suitcase and goes mad because he knows that I’m leaving him, you can’t blame ME for anything that gets broken when he punishes me.’

‘Anna –’

I quietly tiptoed out of my room with my suitcase in tow and began a very slow, careful descent down the stairs with Dad standing at the bottom watching me, his arms crossed. The suitcase was much heavier than I was expecting even though I’d already had to cut down half of what I wanted to bring due to weight restrictions. I could barely lift it up from the floor, so I kind of slid down each step with my back against the wall, straining every muscle so that the case didn’t touch the ground and make a noise.

‘What on earth are you doing? Why are you walking down the stairs like a crab?’

‘I am walking down the stairs stealthily ,’ I hissed back. ‘Keep your voice down. The slightest out-of-place noise will send Dog investigating and then he will see me with the suitcase and go into a FRENZY. Honestly, Dad, you are so unsubtle. You could never be a spy.’

But just then my arms failed me and the suitcase dropped from my hands, landing with a loud thunk on the stairs and then clonking down every last step before landing at Dad’s feet.

Dad and I froze.

We waited for the sound of Dog barging out of the sitting room. No footsteps came and I breathed a sigh of relief and motioned for Dad to quickly pick up the case and take it out through the door. I helped him get it into the boot, ignoring his grumbling about how I must have packed the kitchen sink and, for goodness’ sake, did I really need enough outfits to last me a year? In his day you would go for weeks with just a shirt on your back.

I didn’t think it was the right moment to remind him that things had moved on since Biblical times.

As we both turned back to the house, I gasped and stopped still. Dog was sitting on the front step watching us.

We were busted.

He must have seen the whole thing. ‘Dog,’ I began in my most soothing voice, ‘it’s not what it seems. I’m just going away for two weeks, but I’m not leaving you and I’ll be right back in no time. Dad’s going to make sure he gives you extra rations every day to make up for the inconvenience.’ Dad snorted next to me so I punched him on the arm. ‘Now, why don’t we just go back inside, sit down and talk this through like adults.’

I saw Dog’s eye twitch.

In a flash he was up on his paws, springing back into the house and flying up the stairs at full pelt. ‘NO, DOG, COME BACK!’ I yelled, bolting after him into the house and seeing the tip of his tail sailing into my bedroom. I rushed up the stairs and skidded to a halt in the doorway. Dog was standing on my bed facing me and in his mouth he was holding my phone.

‘Dog,’ I said slowly and calmly. ‘Let’s not do anything rash. We don’t want to do something we regret, do we?’

His tail swished slowly from side to side.

‘Give me my phone, Dog,’ I said gently, taking a step forward. He took a step back and shook his head in warning. Dad joined me in the doorway and let out a loud sigh when he saw us both in the position of a highly charged stand-off. ‘Dad, this is your fault.’

‘ My fault? ’

‘I told you that we’d been watching too many John Wayne movies. It was bound to rub off on him.’

‘Enough of this nonsense,’ Dad said, nudging me aside and striding forward confidently towards our Labrador. ‘Dog, drop!’

Knowing he had the upper hand, Dog waited until my dad was close enough and then he leapt down from the bed, dodging him and zooming past me back downstairs. Dad and I chased after him into the kitchen, stumbling to a sudden stop as we saw Dog dangling my phone over his water bowl from his drooly jaws.

‘Hellooooo!’ Helena cheerily sauntered into the house with Marianne and Mum in tow. ‘Anyone in?’

They came into the kitchen and saw Dad and me both standing like statues, watching Dog. ‘Oh dear.’ Mum bit her lip. ‘Did he see the suitcase?’

‘Don’t encourage Anna, Rebecca. The two things aren’t linked.’

‘Of course they are, Nicholas.’ Mum sighed. ‘It’s so like you to dismiss something so obvious.’

‘Dog, it’s just two weeks.’ I knelt down on my hands and knees to attempt a different approach, hoping he might back down if I wasn’t towering over him. ‘I promise I’m coming back. I’m just going to Rome.’

On the word ‘Rome’ there was a big splash as Dog released my phone from his jaw and it plopped perfectly into the middle of his water bowl. I closed my eyes in horror and Dog trotted past me with his head held high to go sulk in the sitting room. Soon enough I heard him chewing away on the Monopoly board just to hammer home how he felt about this situation.

‘Oh, Anna, your phone!’ Mum cried, quickly rescuing it and grabbing a tea towel, desperately trying to dab it dry.

‘You need to put it in a pack of rice,’ Marianne instructed, going immediately to the cupboards to find one.

‘That dog,’ Dad sighed as I clambered to my feet.

‘Don’t blame Dog,’ I said huffily. ‘It’s my fault for not being honest with him. Anyway, it’s about time I got a new phone – that one you got me is ancient.’

‘Let’s discuss it in the car.’ Dad threw up his hands in exasperation. ‘Now, everybody in.’

I let them all pile into the car and Dad stood tapping his foot, impatiently waiting to lock up as I sat cross-legged next to Dog, who was even sulkier now that Dad had taken away the Monopoly board and put absolutely anything of value out of his reach. All he had to distract him from his sorrows was a manky old tennis ball. I gave him a big cuddle and I think he must have forgiven me because he gave me a lick and a loving headbutt.