William Shakespeare - The Complete Works of William Shakespeare

FALSTAFF

To have her, or no. Go; say the woman told me so.

SIMPLE

May I be bold to say so, sir?

FALSTAFF

Ay, Sir Tike; like who more bold?

SIMPLE

I thank your worship; I shall make my master glad with these tidings.

[Exit SIMPLE.]

HOST

Thou art clerkly, thou art clerkly, Sir John. Was there a wise woman with thee?

FALSTAFF

Ay, that there was, mine host; one that hath taught me more wit than ever I learned before in my life; and I paid nothing for it neither, but was paid for my learning.

[Enter BARDOLPH.]

BARDOLPH

Out, alas, sir! cozenage, mere cozenage!

HOST

Where be my horses? Speak well of them, varletto.

BARDOLPH

Run away, with the cozeners; for so soon as I came beyond Eton, they threw me off, from behind one of them, in a slough of mire; and set spurs and away, like three German devils, three Doctor Faustuses.

HOST

They are gone but to meet the Duke, villain; do not say they be fled; Germans are honest men.

[Enter SIR HUGH EVANS.]

EVANS

Where is mine host?

HOST

What is the matter, sir?

EVANS

Have a care of your entertainments: there is a friend of mine come to town tells me there is three cozen-germans that has cozened all the hosts of Readins, of Maidenhead, of Colebrook, of horses and money. I tell you for good will, look you; you are wise, and full of gibes and vlouting-stogs, and ‘tis not convenient you should be cozened. Fare you well.

[Exit EVANS.]

[Enter DOCTOR CAIUS.]

CAIUS

Vere is mine host de Jarteer?

HOST

Here, Master Doctor, in perplexity and doubtful dilemma.

CAIUS

I cannot tell vat is dat; but it is tell-a me dat you make grand preparation for a Duke de Jamany. By my trot, dere is no duke that the court is know to come; I tell you for good will: Adieu.

[Exit DOCTOR CAIUS.]

HOST

Hue and cry, villain, go! Assist me, knight; I am undone. Fly, run, hue and cry, villain; I am undone!

[Exeunt HOST and BARDOLPH.]

FALSTAFF

I would all the world might be cozened, for I have been cozened and beaten too. If it should come to the ear of the court how I have been transformed, and how my transformation hath been washed and cudgelled, they would melt me out of my fat, drop by drop, and liquor fishermen’s boots with me; I warrant they would whip me with their fine wits till I were as crest-fallen as a dried pear. I never prospered since I forswore myself at primero. Well, if my wind were but long enough to say my prayers, I would repent.

[Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY.]

Now! whence come you?

QUICKLY

From the two parties, forsooth.

FALSTAFF

The devil take one party and his dam the other! And so they shall be both bestowed. I have suffered more for their sakes, more than the villainous inconstancy of man’s disposition is able to bear.

QUICKLY

And have not they suffered? Yes, I warrant; speciously one of them; Mistress Ford, good heart, is beaten black and blue, that you cannot see a white spot about her.

FALSTAFF

What tellest thou me of black and blue? I was beaten myself into all the colours of the rainbow; and was like to be apprehended for the witch of Brainford. But that my admirable dexterity of wit, my counterfeiting the action of an old woman, delivered me, the knave constable had set me i’ the stocks, i’ the common stocks, for a witch.

QUICKLY

Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber; you shall hear how things go, and, I warrant, to your content. Here is a letter will say somewhat. Good hearts, what ado here is to bring you together! Sure, one of you does not serve heaven well, that you are so crossed.

FALSTAFF

Come up into my chamber.

[Exeunt.]

SCENE VI. Another room in the Garter Inn

[Enter FENTON and HOST.]

HOST

Master Fenton, talk not to me; my mind is heavy; I will give over all.

FENTON

Yet hear me speak. Assist me in my purpose,

And, as I am a gentleman, I’ll give thee

A hundred pound in gold more than your loss.

HOST

I will hear you, Master Fenton; and I will, at the least, keep your counsel.

FENTON

From time to time I have acquainted you

With the dear love I bear to fair Anne Page,

Who, mutually, hath answered my affection,

So far forth as herself might be her chooser,

Even to my wish. I have a letter from her

Of such contents as you will wonder at;

The mirth whereof so larded with my matter

That neither, singly, can be manifested

Without the show of both; wherein fat Falstaff

Hath a great scare: the image of the jest

I’ll show you here at large. Hark, good mine host:

Tonight at Herne’s oak, just ‘twixt twelve and one,

Must my sweet Nan present the Fairy Queen;

The purpose why is here: in which disguise,

While other jests are something rank on foot,

Her father hath commanded her to slip

Away with Slender, and with him at Eton

Immediately to marry; she hath consented:

Now, sir,

Her mother, even strong against that match

And firm for Doctor Caius, hath appointed

That he shall likewise shuffle her away,

While other sports are tasking of their minds;

And at the deanery, where a priest attends,

Straight marry her: to this her mother’s plot

She seemingly obedient likewise hath

Made promise to the doctor. Now thus it rests:

Her father means she shall be all in white;

And in that habit, when Slender sees his time

To take her by the hand and bid her go,

She shall go with him: her mother hath intended

The better to denote her to the doctor, —

For they must all be mask’d and vizarded —

That quaint in green she shall be loose enrob’d,

With ribands pendent, flaring ‘bout her head;

And when the doctor spies his vantage ripe,

To pinch her by the hand: and, on that token,

The maid hath given consent to go with him.

HOST

Which means she to deceive, father or mother?

FENTON

Both, my good host, to go along with me:

And here it rests, that you’ll procure the vicar

To stay for me at church, ‘twixt twelve and one,

And in the lawful name of marrying,

To give our hearts united ceremony.

HOST

Well, husband your device; I’ll to the vicar.

Bring you the maid, you shall not lack a priest.

FENTON

So shall I evermore be bound to thee;

Besides, I’ll make a present recompense.

[Exeunt.]

ACT V

SCENE I. A room in the Garter Inn

[Enter FALSTAFF and MISTRESS QUICKLY.]

FALSTAFF

Prithee, no more prattling; go: I’ll hold. This is the third time; I hope good luck lies in odd numbers. Away! go. They say there is divinity in odd numbers, either in nativity, chance, or death. Away!

QUICKLY

I’ll provide you a chain, and I’ll do what I can to get you a pair of horns.

FALSTAFF

Away, I say; time wears; hold up your head, and mince.

[Exit MRS. QUICKLY.]

[Enter FORD.]

How now, Master Brook! Master Brook, the matter will be known tonight, or never. Be you in the Park about midnight, at Herne’s oak, and you shall see wonders.

FORD

Went you not to her yesterday, sir, as you told me you had appointed?

FALSTAFF

I went to her, Master Brook, as you see, like a poor old man; but I came from her, Master Brook, like a poor old woman. That same knave Ford, her husband, hath the finest mad devil of jealousy in him, Master Brook, that ever governed frenzy. I will tell you: he beat me grievously in the shape of a woman; for in the shape of man, Master Brook, I fear not Goliath with a weaver’s beam, because I know also life is a shuttle. I am in haste; go along with me; I’ll tell you all, Master Brook. Since I plucked geese, played truant, and whipped top, I knew not what ‘twas to be beaten till lately. Follow me: I’ll tell you strange things of this knave Ford, on whom tonight I will be revenged, and I will deliver his wife into your hand. Follow. Strange things in hand, Master Brook! Follow.