William Shakespeare - The Complete Works of William Shakespeare

EVANS

Pless my soul, how full of chollors I am, and trempling of mind! I shall be glad if he have deceived me. How melancholies I am! I will knog his urinals about his knave’s costard when I have goot opportunities for the ‘ork: pless my soul!

[Sings]

To shallow rivers, to whose falls

Melodious birds sings madrigals;

There will we make our peds of roses,

And a thousand fragrant posies.

To shallow —

Mercy on me! I have a great dispositions to cry.

[Sings]

Melodious birds sing madrigals, —

Whenas I sat in Pabylon, —

And a thousand vagram posies.

To shallow, —

[Re-enter SIMPLE.]

SIMPLE

Yonder he is, coming this way, Sir Hugh.

EVANS

He’s welcome.

[Sings]

To shallow rivers, to whose falls —

Heaven prosper the right! — What weapons is he?

SIMPLE

No weapons, sir. There comes my master, Master Shallow, and another gentleman, from Frogmore, over the stile, this way.

EVANS

Pray you give me my gown; or else keep it in your arms. [Reads in a book.]

[Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER.]

SHALLOW

How now, Master Parson! Good morrow, good Sir Hugh. Keep a gamester from the dice, and a good student from his book, and it is wonderful.

SLENDER

[Aside] Ah, sweet Anne Page!

PAGE

‘Save you, good Sir Hugh!

EVANS

Pless you from his mercy sake, all of you!

SHALLOW

What, the sword and the word! Do you study them both, Master Parson?

PAGE

And youthful still, in your doublet and hose, this raw rheumatic day!

EVANS

There is reasons and causes for it.

PAGE

We are come to you to do a good office, Master Parson.

EVANS

Fery well; what is it?

PAGE

Yonder is a most reverend gentleman, who, belike having received wrong by some person, is at most odds with his own gravity and patience that ever you saw.

SHALLOW

I have lived fourscore years and upward; I never heard a man of his place, gravity, and learning, so wide of his own respect.

EVANS

What is he?

PAGE

I think you know him: Master Doctor Caius, the renowned French physician.

EVANS

Got’s will and His passion of my heart! I had as lief you would tell me of a mess of porridge.

PAGE

Why?

EVANS

He has no more knowledge in Hibbocrates and Galen, — and he is a knave besides; a cowardly knave as you would desires to be acquainted withal.

PAGE

I warrant you, he’s the man should fight with him.

SLENDER

[Aside] O, sweet Anne Page!

SHALLOW

It appears so, by his weapons. Keep them asunder; here comes Doctor Caius.

[Enter HOST, CAIUS, and RUGBY.]

PAGE

Nay, good Master Parson, keep in your weapon.

SHALLOW

So do you, good Master Doctor.

HOST

Disarm them, and let them question; let them keep their limbs whole and hack our English.

CAIUS

I pray you, let-a me speak a word with your ear: verefore will you not meet-a me?

EVANS

[Aside to CAIUS] Pray you use your patience; in good time.

CAIUS

By gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog, John ape.

EVANS

[Aside to CAIUS] Pray you, let us not be laughing-stogs to other men’s humours; I desire you in friendship, and I will one way or other make you amends.

[Aloud] I will knog your urinals about your knave’s cogscomb for missing your meetings and appointments.

CAIUS

Diable! — Jack Rugby, — mine Host de Jarretiere, — have I not stay for him to kill him? Have I not, at de place I did appoint?

EVANS

As I am a Christians soul, now, look you, this is the place appointed. I’ll be judgment by mine host of the Garter.

HOST

Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaullia; French and Welsh, soul-curer and body-curer!

CAIUS

Ay, dat is very good; excellent!

HOST

Peace, I say! Hear mine host of the Garter. Am I politic? am I subtle? am I a Machiavel? Shall I lose my doctor? No; he gives me the potions and the motions. Shall I lose my parson, my priest, my Sir Hugh? No; he gives me the proverbs and the no-verbs. Give me thy hand, terrestrial; so; — give me thy hand, celestial; so. Boys of art, I have deceived you both; I have directed you to wrong places; your hearts are mighty, your skins are whole, and let burnt sack be the issue. Come, lay their swords to pawn. Follow me, lads of peace; follow, follow, follow.

SHALLOW

Trust me, a mad host! — Follow, gentlemen, follow.

SLENDER

[Aside] O, sweet Anne Page!

[Exeunt SHALLOW, SLENDER, PAGE, and HOST.]

CAIUS

Ha, do I perceive dat? Have you make-a de sot of us, ha, ha?

EVANS

This is well; he has made us his vlouting-stog. I desire you that we may be friends; and let us knog our prains together to be revenge on this same scall, scurvy, cogging companion, the host of the Garter.

CAIUS

By gar, with all my heart. He promise to bring me where is Anne Page; by gar, he deceive me too.

EVANS

Well, I will smite his noddles. Pray you follow.

[Exeunt.]

SCENE II. A street in Windsor

[Enter MISTRESS PAGE and ROBIN.]

MRS. PAGE

Nay, keep your way, little gallant: you were wont to be a follower, but now you are a leader. Whether had you rather lead mine eyes, or eye your master’s heels?

ROBIN

I had rather, forsooth, go before you like a man than follow him like a dwarf.

MRS. PAGE

O! you are a flattering boy: now I see you’ll be a courtier.

[Enter FORD.]

FORD

Well met, Mistress Page. Whither go you?

MRS. PAGE

Truly, sir, to see your wife. Is she at home?

FORD

Ay; and as idle as she may hang together, for want of company. I think, if your husbands were dead, you two would marry.

MRS. PAGE

Be sure of that — two other husbands.

FORD

Where had you this pretty weathercock?

MRS. PAGE

I cannot tell what the dickens his name is my husband had him of. What do you call your knight’s name, sirrah?

ROBIN

Sir John Falstaff.

FORD

Sir John Falstaff!

MRS. PAGE

He, he; I can never hit on’s name. There is such a league between my good man and he! Is your wife at home indeed?

FORD

Indeed she is.

MRS. PAGE

By your leave, sir: I am sick till I see her.

[Exeunt MRS. PAGE and ROBIN.]

FORD

Has Page any brains? Hath he any eyes? Hath he any thinking? Sure, they sleep; he hath no use of them. Why, this boy will carry a letter twenty mile as easy as a cannon will shoot point-blank twelve score. He pieces out his wife’s inclination; he gives her folly motion and advantage; and now she’s going to my wife, and Falstaff’s boy with her. A man may hear this shower sing in the wind: and Falstaff’s boy with her! Good plots! They are laid; and our revolted wives share damnation together. Well; I will take him, then torture my wife, pluck the borrowed veil of modesty from the so seeming Mistress Page, divulge Page himself for a secure and wilful Actaeon; and to these violent proceedings all my neighbours shall cry aim. [Clock strikes.] The clock gives me my cue, and my assurance bids me search; there I shall find Falstaff. I shall be rather praised for this than mocked; for it is as positive as the earth is firm that Falstaff is there. I will go.

[Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, SLENDER, HOST, SIR HUGH EVANS, CAIUS, and RUGBY.]

SHALLOW, PAGE, &c

Well met, Master Ford.

FORD

Trust me, a good knot; I have good cheer at home, and I pray you all go with me.

SHALLOW

I must excuse myself, Master Ford.

SLENDER

And so must I, sir; we have appointed to dine with Mistress Anne, and I would not break with her for more money than I’ll speak of.