A to Z Classics - Complete Works Of Oscar Wilde (Best Navigation) (A to Z Classics)

jack

Quite dead.

miss prism

What a lesson for him! I trust he will profit by it.

·71· chasuble

Mr. Worthing, I offer you my sincere condolence. You have at least the consolation of knowing that you were always the most generous and forgiving of brothers.

jack

Poor Ernest! He had many faults, but it is a sad, sad blow.

chasuble

Very sad indeed. Were you with him at the end?

jack

No. He died abroad; in Paris, in fact. I had a telegram last night from the manager of the Grand Hotel.

chasuble

Was the cause of death mentioned?

jack

A severe chill, it seems.

miss prism

As a man sows, so shall he reap.

chasuble

[ Raising his hand .] Charity, dear Miss Prism, charity! None of us are perfect. I myself am ·72· peculiarly susceptible to draughts. Will the interment take place here?

jack

No. He seemed to have expressed a desire to be buried in Paris.

chasuble

In Paris! [ Shakes his head .] I fear that hardly points to any very serious state of mind at the last. You would no doubt wish me to make some slight allusion to this tragic domestic affliction next Sunday. [ Jack presses his hand convulsively .] My sermon on the meaning of the manna in the wilderness can be adapted to almost any occasion, joyful, or, as in the present case, distressing. [ All sigh .] I have preached it at harvest celebrations, christenings, confirmations, on days of humiliation and festal days. The last time I delivered it was in the Cathedral, as a charity sermon on behalf of the Society for the Prevention of Discontent among the Upper Orders. The Bishop, who was present, was much struck by some of the analogies I drew.

jack

Ah! that reminds me, you mentioned christenings I think, Dr. Chasuble? I suppose you know how to christen all right? [ Dr. Chasuble looks astounded .] I mean, of course, you are continually christening, aren’t you?

·73· miss prism

It is, I regret to say, one of the Rector’s most constant duties in this parish. I have often spoken to the poorer classes on the subject. But they don’t seem to know what thrift is.

chasuble

But is there any particular infant in whom you are interested, Mr. Worthing? Your brother was, I believe, unmarried, was he not?

jack

Oh yes.

miss prism

[ Bitterly .] People who live entirely for pleasure usually are.

jack

But it is not for any child, dear Doctor. I am very fond of children. No! the fact is, I would like to be christened myself, this afternoon, if you have nothing better to do.

chasuble

But surely, Mr. Worthing, you have been christened already?

jack

I don’t remember anything about it.

·74· chasuble

But have you any grave doubts on the subject?

jack

I certainly intend to have. Of course I don’t know if the thing would bother you in any way, or if you think I am a little too old now.

chasuble

Not at all. The sprinkling, and, indeed, the immersion of adults is a perfectly canonical practice.

jack

Immersion!

chasuble

You need have no apprehensions. Sprinkling is all that is necessary, or indeed I think advisable. Our weather is so changeable. At what hour would you wish the ceremony performed?

jack

Oh, I might trot round about five if that would suit you.

chasuble

Perfectly, perfectly! In fact I have two similar ceremonies to perform at that time. A case of twins that occurred recently in one of the outlying cottages ·75· on your own estate. Poor Jenkins the carter, a most hard-working man.

jack

Oh! I don’t see much fun in being christened along with other babies. It would be childish. Would half-past five do?

chasuble

Admirably! Admirably! [ Takes out watch .] And now, dear Mr. Worthing, I will not intrude any longer into a house of sorrow. I would merely beg you not to be too much bowed down by grief. What seem to us bitter trials are often blessings in disguise.

miss prism

This seems to me a blessing of an extremely obvious kind.

[ Enter Cecily from the house .]

cecily

Uncle Jack! Oh, I am pleased to see you back. But what horrid clothes you have got on! Do go and change them.

miss prism

Cecily!

·76· chasuble

My child! my child! [ Cecily goes towards Jack; he kisses her brow in a melancholy manner .]

cecily

What is the matter, Uncle Jack? Do look happy! You look as if you had toothache, and I have got such a surprise for you. Who do you think is in the dining-room? Your brother!

jack

Who?

cecily

Your brother Ernest. He arrived about half an hour ago.

jack

What nonsense! I haven’t got a brother.

cecily

Oh, don’t say that. However badly he may have behaved to you in the past he is still your brother. You couldn’t be so heartless as to disown him. I’ll tell him to come out. And you will shake hands with him, won’t you, Uncle Jack? [ Runs back into the house .]

chasuble

These are very joyful tidings.

·77· miss prism

After we had all been resigned to his loss, his sudden return seems to me peculiarly distressing.

jack

My brother is in the dining-room? I don’t know what it all means. I think it is perfectly absurd.

[ Enter Algernon and Cecily hand in hand. They come slowly up to Jack .]

jack

Good heavens! [ Motions Algernon away .]

algernon

Brother John, I have come down from town to tell you that I am very sorry for all the trouble I have given you, and that I intend to lead a better life in the future. [ Jack glares at him and does not take his hand .]

cecily

Uncle Jack, you are not going to refuse your own brother’s hand?

jack

Nothing will induce me to take his hand. I think his coming down here disgraceful. He knows perfectly well why.

·78· cecily

Uncle Jack, do be nice. There is some good in everyone. Ernest has just been telling me about his poor invalid friend Mr. Bunbury whom he goes to visit so often. And surely there must be much good in one who is kind to an invalid, and leaves the pleasures of London to sit by a bed of pain.

jack

Oh! he has been talking about Bunbury has he?

cecily

Yes, he has told me all about poor Mr. Bunbury, and his terrible state of health.

jack

Bunbury! Well, I won’t have him talk to you about Bunbury or about anything else. It is enough to drive one perfectly frantic.

algernon

Of course I admit that the faults were all on my side. But I must say that I think that Brother John’s coldness to me is peculiarly painful. I expected a more enthusiastic welcome, especially considering it is the first time I have come here.

cecily

Uncle Jack, if you don’t shake hands with Ernest I will never forgive you.

·79· jack

Never forgive me?

cecily

Never, never, never!

jack

Well, this is the last time I shall ever do it. [ Shakes hands with Algernon and glares .]

chasuble

It’s pleasant, is it not, to see so perfect a reconciliation? I think we might leave the two brothers together.

miss prism

Cecily, you will come with us.

cecily

Certainly, Miss Prism. My little task of reconciliation is over.

chasuble

You have done a beautiful action to-day, dear child.

miss prism

We must not be premature in our judgments.

·80· cecily

I feel very happy. [ They all go off .]

jack

You young scoundrel, Algy, you must get out of this place as soon as possible. I don’t allow any Bunburying here.

[ Enter Merriman .]