A to Z Classics - Complete Works Of Oscar Wilde (Best Navigation) (A to Z Classics)

·61· chasuble

With pleasure, Miss Prism, with pleasure. We might go as far as the schools and back.

miss prism

That would be delightful. Cecily, you will read your Political Economy in my absence. The chapter on the Fall of the Rupee you may omit. It is somewhat too sensational. Even these metallic problems have their melodramatic side.

[ Goes down the garden with Dr. Chasuble .]

cecily

[ Picks up books and throws them back on table .] Horrid Political Economy! Horrid Geography! Horrid, horrid German!

[ Enter Merriman with a card on a salver .]

merriman

Mr. Ernest Worthing has just driven over from the station. He has brought his luggage with him.

cecily

[ Takes the card and reads it .] “Mr. Ernest Worthing, B. 4 The Albany, W.” Uncle Jack’s brother! Did you tell him Mr. Worthing was in town?

·62· merriman

Yes, Miss. He seemed very much disappointed. I mentioned that you and Miss Prism were in the garden. He said he was anxious to speak to you privately for a moment.

cecily

Ask Mr. Ernest Worthing to come here. I suppose you had better talk to the housekeeper about a room for him.

merriman

Yes, Miss. [ Merriman goes off .]

cecily

I have never met any really wicked person before. I feel rather frightened. I am so afraid he will look just like everyone else.

[ Enter Algernon, very gay and debonnair .]

He does!

algernon

[ Raising his hat .] You are my little cousin Cecily, I’m sure.

cecily

You are under some strange mistake. I am not little. In fact, I believe I am more than usually tall for my age. [ Algernon is rather taken aback .] But I am your cousin Cecily. You, I see from your ·63· card, are Uncle Jack’s brother, my cousin Ernest, my wicked cousin Ernest.

algernon

Oh! I am not really wicked at all, cousin Cecily. You mustn’t think that I am wicked.

cecily

If you are not, then you have certainly been deceiving us all in a very inexcusable manner. I hope you have not been leading a double life, pretending to be wicked and being really good all the time. That would be hypocrisy.

algernon

[ Looks at her in amazement .] Oh! Of course I have been rather reckless.

cecily

I am glad to hear it.

algernon

In fact, now you mention the subject, I have been very bad in my own small way.

cecily

I don’t think you should be so proud of that, though I am sure it must have been very pleasant.

algernon

It is much pleasanter being here with you.

·64· cecily

I can’t understand how you are here at all. Uncle Jack won’t be back till Monday afternoon.

algernon

That is a great disappointment. I am obliged to go up by the first train on Monday morning. I have a business appointment that I am anxious … to miss.

cecily

Couldn’t you miss it anywhere but in London. [ E:London?]

algernon

No: the appointment is in London.

cecily

Well, I know, of course, how important it is not to keep a business engagement, if one wants to retain any sense of the beauty of life, but still I think you had better wait till Uncle Jack arrives. I know he wants to speak to you about your emigrating.

algernon

About my what?

cecily

Your emigrating. He has gone up to buy your outfit.

·65· algernon

I certainly wouldn’t let Jack buy my outfit. He has no taste in neckties at all.

cecily

I don’t think you will require neckties. Uncle Jack is sending you to Australia.

algernon

Australia! I’d sooner die.

cecily

Well, he said at dinner on Wednesday night, that you would have to choose between this world, the next world, and Australia.

algernon

Oh, well! The accounts I have received of Australia and the next world, are not particularly encouraging. This world is good enough for me, cousin Cecily.

cecily

Yes, but are you good enough for it?

algernon

I’m afraid I’m not that. That is why I want you to reform me. You might make that your mission, if you don’t mind, cousin Cecily.

·66· cecily

I’m afraid I’ve no time, this afternoon.

algernon

Well, would you mind my reforming myself this afternoon?

cecily

It is rather Quixotic of you. But I think you should try.

algernon

I will. I feel better already.

cecily

You are looking a little worse.

algernon

That is because I am hungry.

cecily

How thoughtless of me. I should have remembered that when one is going to lead an entirely new life, one requires regular and wholesome meals. Won’t you come in?

algernon

Thank you. Might I have a button-hole first? I never have any appetite unless I have a button-hole first.

·67· cecily

A Maréchale Niel? [ Picks up scissors .]

algernon

No, I’d sooner have a pink rose.

cecily

Why? [ Cuts a flower .]

algernon

Because you are like a pink rose, Cousin Cecily.

cecily

I don’t think it can be right for you to talk to me like that. Miss Prism never says such things to me.

algernon

Then Miss Prism is a short-sighted old lady. [ Cecily puts the rose in his button-hole .] You are the prettiest girl I ever saw.

cecily

Miss Prism says that all good looks are a snare.

algernon

They are a snare that every sensible man would like to be caught in.

·68· cecily

Oh! I don’t think I would care to catch a sensible man. I shouldn’t know what to talk to him about.

[ They pass into the house. Miss Prism and Dr. Chasuble return .]

miss prism

You are too much alone, dear Dr. Chasuble. You should get married. A misanthrope I can understand—a womanthrope, never!

chasuble

[ With a scholar’s shudder .] Believe me, I do not deserve so neologistic a phrase. The precept as well as the practice of the Primitive Church was distinctly against matrimony.

miss prism

[ Sententiously .] That is obviously the reason why the Primitive Church has not lasted up to the present day. And you do not seem to realize, dear Doctor, that by persistently remaining single, a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation. Men should be more careful; this very celibacy leads weaker vessels astray.

chasuble

But is a man not equally attractive when married?

·69· miss prism

No married man is ever attractive except to his wife.

chasuble

And often, I’ve been told, not even to her.

miss prism

That depends on the intellectual sympathies of the woman. Maturity can always be depended on. Ripeness can be trusted. Young women are green. [ Dr. Chasuble starts .] I spoke horticulturally. My metaphor was drawn from fruits. But where is Cecily?

chasuble

Perhaps she followed us to the schools.

[ Enter Jack slowly from the back of the garden. He is dressed in the deepest mourning, with crape hatband and black gloves .]

miss prism

Mr. Worthing!

chasuble

Mr. Worthing?

miss prism

This is indeed a surprise. We did not look for you till Monday afternoon.

·70· jack

[ Shakes Miss Prism’s hand in a tragic manner .] I have returned sooner than I expected. Dr. Chasuble, I hope you are well?

chasuble

Dear Mr. Worthing, I trust this garb of woe does not betoken some terrible calamity?

jack

My brother.

miss prism

More shameful debts and extravagance?

chasuble

Still leading his life of pleasure?

jack

[ Shaking his head .] Dead!

chasuble

Your brother Ernest dead?