Jan Carroll - Reasons

“Thank you, and you and you and …”

The Purser stepped forward with my passport.

“Follow me, Miss Carroll.” So off I went to his office to complete formalities, and then he gave me the key and instructions to my cabin. My parents were not boarding till Brisbane, so Stan and I then went to the cabin on the boat deck. It was lovely and full of flowers – from Stan.

“Just remember, Janny, I love you.”

“Yes.”

“And you love me.” I smiled. “Yes.” I had no trouble saying that, because I did love him. I was just in love with Riley.

“And you’ll be back in my arms in six months.”

“Yes.”

He knew we didn’t have much time and it was just as well because we didn’t want this to be drawn out. He took me in his arms and held me. Then he turned and walked out the door – still an officer and a gentleman.

I sat on one of the bunks for a while before I went out on deck and searched for him in the waving crowd. I soon realised he would not have waited there. People were yelling and there were streamers all over the place and as the ship pulled away they broke, one after the other. I wasn’t sure how I felt as I watched the streamers stretch as far as they could before snapping and then falling and trailing in the water. Was it sadness? But why, I was on a round the world trip – but all the streamers were breaking – were all the connections breaking? No. I didn’t want that. I waited on deck and watched Sydney slowly slide past, until we had gone through the heads. Would I be seasick soon? Apparently not. I soon discovered that I never felt sick in the cabin or outside on the boat deck, but only if I went inside and down the stairs or the lift – whooo.

My parents boarded in Brisbane and then it was off to see the world. My mother had booked the two of us in a four berth cabin and apparently my father was somewhere else. He had always been “somewhere else”, so I didn’t bother asking where, until half way through the trip.

“Why isn’t Daddy in the cabin with us? After all, it is a 4 berth cabin.”

“Oh Jan! Can you imagine …” She left the question hanging in the air. Actually no, I couldn’t. So she was right. He hadn’t been a fixture in our lives and so here we were, and there he was. Satisfaction all round. My father dutifully appeared every evening outside the restaurant to escort my mother and I in for dinner. Such a weird situation, but I accepted it without qualm. This was a family of separates apparently, and as long as we didn’t intrude on the others territory we could all get along. Nothing of importance was ever discussed, so I was not aware of anything of importance that ever happened to us. The only thing of importance to me was that I not be anywhere in the vicinity of my mother if she had one too many glasses of Whisky or cocktails or alcohol of any description. But so far on this ship she had not, and seemed to actually be enjoying life. And why not? She had plenty to do if she wanted and loved getting dressed for dinner and walking in to a room full of people – she could still turn heads. But not my father’s. He had seen a different person all too often. So my mother could appear first and enjoy her favourite cocktail – one - and then I would swan in and my father would arrive just in time to escort us in to dinner, giving every appearance of the happy family.

I eventually did decide to investigate my father’s whereabouts one afternoon and discovered that I had to go inside and down the stairs or the lift. I chose the lift and when I got out I had to walk towards the front – the bow. I hadn’t noticed much movement of the ship before, but now I discovered I had to hang on to the railing as the ship lurched up before smashing down again into the trough, with an added roll from side to side for good measure. What on earth is he doing down here, I wondered. And then – at last - Why is he down here? Whose idea was this? Then it was run, run, run up and then wham, slither, slide downhill till I arrived at the pointy end and outside his cabin door.

“Bub!” he exclaimed as he opened the door.”

“God, Pop, what on earth are you doing down here? Whoops.”

“Yes, hang on.” We gingerly made our way to his bunk and sat down hurriedly.

“God Daddy, this is ridiculous.”

“No, I love it, bub, it’s great.”

“But Pop, you can’t stand up!”

“I’m sharing with the Chaplain.”

“Oh well, I can see you’ll have the Bible to talk about, but how do you sleep or move about with this ..” as the ship heaved itself up again. “And how do you shave?”

“With difficulty” he laughed, “but I’ve got plenty of time.”

“And you can have the last rites, if necessary, I suppose.” We laughed. And there would be lots of discussion about the Bible – perhaps Daddy should have been a priest. We chatted on a bit longer while I clutched onto the bunk bed and then we lapsed into silence and it was time for me to go.

“See you for dinner, Bub.”

“OK Pop, that’s if I make it back up on deck. See you then.” So clearly he was happy with his situation, so satisfaction all round. Some time later the Chaplain made a point of asking me if I wanted to go to confession. No I did not. He then told me that he heard the Confessions of all the crew.

“The Officers too, Jan.” I looked at him.

“Oh well, I suppose that was interesting.”

“It was, my dear, you would have been very interested.” What did he mean by that? He was too sly for me and I made sure I avoided him in future.

I was sound asleep one morning and was woken by a hand stroking my hair and lips brushing my cheek.

“Mmmm who – aagh, you! What are you – how did you …?”

“But Jan darling, I am the Purser. I can …

“Well you shouldn’t just – I was asleep …

“Si so beaut …”

“No, no. Not. You have to leave now – yes, now. I’m not wearing – I’m …

“Si, not.”

“You have to go now, now, because I would like to get up.” He left at last, but not until I had promised to come and see him later.

Showered and dressed I made my way out on deck to the café for my morning coffee and a beautiful piece of cake which had just been baked. Yummeee. My Mother was sunbaking beside the pool. She was so lucky because she had beautiful fair skin, but she could still get a tan. I couldn’t sit in the sun for any length of time without burning to a crisp.

“Good morning, darling.”

“Good morning, Mummy.”

“Sleep well?”

“Yes, but someone woke me up though.”

“Yes, he was looking for you, so I told him where you were.”

“You shouldn’t have done that. I was asleep, and you know I don’t wear any…”

“Oh well …” she said.

“No, not Oh well. He shouldn’t ..” But she wasn’t listening and had rolled over to bake the other side.

I eventually met some of the other girls on board, and then the Entertainments Officer introduced himself and corralled us into becoming performers in some show he had planned. We were all pretty enthusiastic and found ourselves being allocated parts which he had picked out.

One evening during dinner he asked me to dance and the musicians started playing a beautiful Latin number. I thought everyone was going to dance, but when I got up he just led me to the centre of the floor and then announced that I was going to dance. What? How? Who did this? I was too embarrassed to move for a while, but then the lights went out so there was just the music and me and all the people had disappeared, just little candles flickering away, so I slowly started to sway – after all who could keep still to Latin? The music seemed to go on for ages and so I danced along with it, but eventually after what seemed an eternity I arrived back at my seat and stopped and the music stopped too.