Cihlar & Egeler - The Saint and her Fool

She takes back the paper and writes further with trembling fingers: I do not want to go to heaven; I wish to stay with those who are outside in the dark.“

Then she returns the page and hides her face in her hands. Her golden head sinks onto the table with its green cloth and her frail shoulders begin to shake. The Pastor puts his hand gently on her shoulder.

„Dear child, you seem to have more mercy than God. Who are the ones that stand in the dark? - Do you think God does not understand all kinds of sins, longings and the essence of human beings? Do you believe, he would shut the heavenly door from any longing soul, or require any vow or a certain way of thinking? And can one person know the deepest secrets and scars of others? Does not hope exist as long as one person is on earth that one day he should go and return to his Father like the lost son! And even if a person seems lost in our eyes, how can we know, how God sees him?”

Rosemarie lifts her face, tears still glistening on her cheeks, but her grey eyes shine in an almost frightening splendor. She takes the hand of her tutor:

„I do wish to be confirmed! I certainly am learning more and more to love, and if God sees everything so well ... Oh, thank you, thank you!“

„Rosemarie, you are God’s blessing to this house, if you remain faithful.“

The Pastor hastily turns to the door with long, quick steps. But Rosemarie follows him.

„Oh, you do not know what a stubborn child I am.“

„And I also hope that you will remain stubborn in such important matters.“

With these last words, he rushes out of the room. As soon as he reaches the end of the long Princess passageway, his steps become less hurried. He stops at one of the columns supporting the stone galleries that surround the courtyard and looks down into the tournament yard. A blade of grass sprouts here and there between the old stones, some clouds chase by, so that the grey stones flicker between the nuances of gleaming gold and a dreary darkness. It is as if he was talking to one of the grey columns.

„Has ever such a beautiful soul lived in these walls? Might these somber surroundings still be a beloved home because of this true heart of gold?”

On their arrival, Rosemarie runs to greet her parents happily at the entrance. She even hugs Mama with so much joy and sincerity that the Duchess seems touched.

„My lord, Rosemarie, I am not used to such endearment from you.”

She is very gracious and makes no objections, when the ceremony is discussed. Rosemarie is granted to bestow each of her confirmation classmates with a small medallion on a golden chain with their name engraved. For the dinner afterwards, only the Pastor and the Thorsteiner shall be invited. The Earl of Thorstein will be leaving for the summer and so this is also thought as a farewell gesture. All this is discussed during their evening supper. The Duchess has pulled a rose from the crystal vase in front of her and holds it lucidly at the neckline of her salmon-colored dress. Her lips curve into a hidden smile, as she watches Rosemarie’s face take on a pale color and she fiddles the flower firmly in her laces.

„The Earl of the Ruins in Paris! An incomprehensible thought. Well, I do concede that he should indulge himself to this pleasure after this long time of solitude. I am sure he will enjoy this distraction. Why are you wrinkling your forehead, Fried, or shall it be seen as inappropriate, if he amuses himself? God, he deserves it. He is an artist and has lived much too long as a saint.“

Rosemarie’s cheeks turn from white to a flaming red; something in Mama's words makes her angry. She replies to this in a faltering tone.

„Harro is going to Paris because he needs beautiful models and cannot find such here.”

The Duchess laughs gaily. „Oh, he will be lacking none of this in Paris.“

„Enough of this” warns the Duke, „you are confusing the child. Tell me how your lessons have been, Rosemarie; were you allowed to fuel the stove?”

„Oh no, Father, I would have done that badly.“

She tries to recount a few incidents, but it sounds quite tedious and the conversation comes to an abrupt end. The rest of the meal is finished in silence; the flicker of familiarity has somehow disappeared.

How quickly the days pass. Harro has not come to visit; he is no friend of farewells. He has accepted the invitation from the Duke to come to the confirmation celebration, whereupon Frau von Hardenstein receives a letter from him:

‘ I will even come to church, which surely can be seen as a great obligingness, for the whole situation is very awkward for me. For most children, this public recitation and promises of things that they neither intend to nor can ever keep, for they are much too young to decide...but not for my little Rose. She unfortunately thinks far too intense about these sorts of promises, which will surely emit a disaster. On top of this, the whole ceremony is intimidating and preposterous. Adding this all together, it can only be seen as a tragedy. I have the worst memory of my confirmation. I was so awed of this event that I had only been able to choke down a few bites at the wonderful banquet given afterwards. For the first time, I wore long pants and a dark-blue robe, and my neck was squeezed into a stiff collar.

I only remember of being terribly embarrassed and eventually I had to take refuge in an empty room, where all kinds of scraps and half-empty bottles were discarded. There I sat on bags of trash and howled like a forlorn puppy, despite my long pants. So, dearest Mama, if I must be exposed to this kind of torture, I will escape. I could not bear to see my Rose inflicted to this. Prepare Rosemarie for the fact that my departure will be Monday, and on Sunday, I shall say goodbye. How you go about this, if you would rather not tell her at all and I should disappear without a farewell, I leave this to your kind wisdom. But whatever you may decide is right to do, please let me know.

„No, Harro, this is not the way ... we will not let you go so easily ...” she whispers to herself. „The child would never forgive us for this. Poor Rosemarie...by God, the man is right. He must go.”

Chapter 14

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