John Doyle - The Ex-Pat's Guide to the Best of the Wurst

Imagine moving into a new place, exhausted from bring boxes all day, and not being able to refrigerate those extra pieces slices. After you move, you’ll have to haul it to IKEA, buy a bunch of appliances you have no idea about, and even less of an idea about how to install these potentially fatal-gas-leaking devices into your kitchen.

If you manage to find a place WITH a kitchen, and without a realtors fee (up to three months rent sometimes) and actually near places like a supermarket and pharmacy, then you’re lucky. If you manage to find this within the vicinity of the city center, then you’re a mythical being who is stealing all the good apartments from us normal folks.

If you are thinking of coming to Germany and conversing with Germans (and you’ll have to at some point), remember this: be formal when addressing people who are older than you. And since pretty much everyone in Germany is older than you, because the old refuse to die, and the young refuse to procreate, it’s best to keep it formal!

But what exactly do I mean by this? Excellent question. Let’s say you’re renting a room from Heinz and Helga Schmidt. Keeping things formal means that you’re not living with Heinz and Helga per se, but rather with Herr Schmidt and Frau Schmidt. See what I mean here? Throw in a “Herr” or a “Frau” and you’re showing respect. Call them Heinz and Helga, and they’re likely to hit you over the head with a frying pan!

Continue to keep it formal until either Heinz or Helga tells you:

“Hallo, ich bin die Helga.”

Or “Guten Tag, ich bin der Heinz.”

If you hear a first name mixed in there, this is your opportunity to become a bit less formal with them. Reply by saying: “Und ich bin der Tom”, (and I’m Tom. If of course your name happens to be Tom. If it’s Jim use Jim.)

When Germans introduce themselves using their first names, after having previously introduced themselves with their surnames, they are indicating that they would like to get to know you a bit better, and no longer think you’re a potential axe murderer living under their roof! Embrace this reality and make the best of it!

You can also tell that you’re in the middle of a “formal” situation if the person you’re talking with constantly uses the word “Sie” when addressing you (“Sie” is the German formal for “you”).

Essentially anything with a “Sie” in it means you should keep things formal:

“Haben Sie Zeit für mich?“ (Do you have time for me?)

“Gehen Sie ins Kino heute Abend?“ (Are you going to the movies tonight?)

“Möchten Sie mit mir schlafen?“ (Would you like to have sex with me?)

On the other hand, anything with a “du” (another form of “you”) in it is informal.

When you get to the “du” level, you can ask the same person the same questions in a more informal way:

“Hast du Zeit für mich?” (Do you have time for me?)

“Gehst du ins Kino heute Abend?” (Are you going to the movies tonight?)

“Möchtest du mit mir schlafen?” (Would you like to have sex with me?)

When conversing with Germans in German, or in English for that matter, remember this: Germans hate small talk. They think it’s superficial and phony, and just plain terrible, so don’t do it!

What many people enjoy as an opportunity to engage in idle chitchat, while not saying anything that’s sexist, racist or just plain mean for five minutes, Germans find a complete waste of time.

Here’s one example of this. I was at a party once and tried to flirt with a pretty hot-looking German student named Sonja. I remember thinking as I looked over at her…she’s exactly my type. She’s a woman and has a pulse. I made my move. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but I think it had something to do with Britney Spears getting a tattoo, or forgetting to wear her underwear in court. This was big news back then, or at least in my world and I figured I’d try it out on Sonja.

I remember turning to her and asking: “Pretty crazy, right? Britney Spears forgetting to wear her underwear in court.” Sonja looked at me like I was on drugs. This was not a good sign! I provided more information: “When I’m in court I never forget to wear underwear.” Her look didn’t change. I was screwed and I knew it. Without saying a word she got up and just walked away. I remember thinking, “you can forget about a love connection with this one, John.”

Germans hate small talk because unlike Americans, they don’t mind pregnant pauses in the middle of conversations. Americans hate them. If there’s a pause anywhere in a conversation in the U.S. someone will jump in with something meaningless like: “Hey, did you catch the game last night? Or “Can you believe how humid it is outside?” Not the Germans. They’ll just sit there in the humidity with beats of sweat pouring down their faces until someone has something important to say.

And last but not least, here’s why Germans REALLY hate small talk. Because it’s small! That’s right. Because it’s miniscule, tiny, and incredibly insignificant. That’s why. If it were BIG TALK and not small talk, they’d have no problem with it. In fact, they’d be great at it. Probably world champs! They’d begin by quoting literature and the latest from the world of microbiology, transition to something more topical, and wrap things up with a dissertation on Kant or Nietzsche.

You’d have people asking one another in the streets:

“Hey, did you read Nietzsche last night?”

“Sure did. Right after I got finished with Kierkegaard.”

“Kierkegaard? Why Kierkegaard? Why not Kant?”

“Kant? Never. He’s too superficial!”

“You’re right about that one!”

When Germans ask questions they really want answers, long detailed answers. It’s not like in America where people ask you questions just to be nice, or to feign interest. In Germany, no one cares about being nice or feigning interest. In Germany, people care about information.

For example, health-related information:

Germans love health-related information. That’s because Germans love talking about their health. And not just old Germans, all Germans! Even young Germans. I remember a long conversation I once had with a guy I was studying with. He told me he had problems with his circulation, and that if he woke up before 10 am, his circulatory system wouldn’t be about to handle it. I responded by asking him: “That sounds terrible! Do you have a will?” His reply: “Of course I do! I’m not stupid!”

How are you?

All health-related matters in Germany begin with the question “How are you?” That’s why if you want to really impress Germans, don’t tell them you’re feeling great or fantastic, or awesome. Tell them you have migraines, back pain, a slipped disk, Ebola, the Plague…essentially anything that requires detailed explanation will do.

Weather related information:

If you love talking about the weather, about high and low pressure systems, and about barometric pressure, come to Germany because Germans also love talking about the weather (but not in a superficial small talk way, in a very detailed way).

I remember waiting for the bus and asking the person standing next to me: “Why does it rain so much in Germany?” Had the guy been from my corner of the world, he would have answered: “I also hate it when it rains. Fucking rain! It sucks!”

But, because he was German, he answered: “It has to do with the low pressure systems that absorb a lot of moisture in the Mediterranean due to the high temperatures there.”