Lemony Snicket - The Carnivorous Carnival

"Oh, no," Hugo said. "I'm brave enough, too, and so are Colette and Kevin."

"Freaks who are brave?" the hook-handed man sneered. "Don't be ridiculous!"

"We are brave," Hugo insisted. "Count Olaf, let us prove it to you, and then you can employ us!"

"Employ you?" Count Olaf asked with a frown.

"What a wonderful idea!" Esmé exclaimed, as if the idea had not been hers.

"Yes," Colette said. "We'd like to find something else to do, and this seems like a wonderful opportunity."

Kevin stepped forward and held out both his hands. "I know I'm a freak," he said to Olaf, "but I think I could be just as useful as the hook-handed man, or your bald associate."

"What?" the bald man snapped. "A freak like you, as useful as me? Don't be ridiculous!"

"I can be useful," Kevin insisted. "You just watch."

"Stop all this bickering!" the pimpled man said crankily. "I didn't visit this carnival to hear people argue about their work problems."

"You're distracting me and my other head," Violet said in her low, disguised voice. "Let's get off this plank and we can all discuss this matter calmly."

"I don't want to discuss things calmly!" cried the woman with dyed hair. "I can do that at home!"

"Yes!" agreed the reporter from The Daily Punctilio. "' PEOPLE DISCUSS THINGS CALMLY' is a boring headline! Somebody throw somebody else into the lion pit, and we'll all get what we want!"

"Madame Lulu will do it, please!" Madame Lulu announced in a booming voice, and grabbed Violet and Klaus by the shirt. The Baudelaires looked up at her and saw a tear appear in one of her eyes, and she leaned down to speak to them. "I'm sorry, Baudelaires," she murmured quietly, without a trace of accent, and reached down to Violet's hand and took the fan belt away from her.

Sunny was so upset that she forgot to growl. "Trenceth!" she shrieked, which meant something along the lines of, "You ought to be ashamed of yourself!" but if the fake fortune-teller was ashamed of herself she did not behave accordingly.

"Madame Lulu always says you must always give people what they want," she said grandly in her disguised voice. "She will do the throwing, please, and she will do it now!"

"Don't be ridiculous," Hugo said, stepping forward eagerly. "I'll do it!"

"You're the one being ridiculous!" Colette said, contorting her body toward Lulu. "I'll do it!"

"No, I'll do it!" Kevin cried. "With both hands!"

"I'll do it!" the bald man cried, blocking Kevin's way. "I don't want a freak like you for a coworker!"

"I'll do it!" cried the hook-handed man.

"I'll do it!" cried one of the white-faced women.

"I'll do it!" cried the other one.

"I'll get someone else to do it!" cried Esmé Squalor.

Count Olaf unwound his whip and flicked it over the heads of the crowd with a mighty snap! that made everyone cower, a word which here means "cringe and duck and hope not to get whipped." "Silence!" he commanded in a terrible roar. "All of you ought to be ashamed of yourselves. You're arguing like a bunch of children! I want to see those lions devouring someone this very instant, and whoever has the courage to carry out my orders will get a special reward!"

This speech, of course, was just the latest example of Count Olaf's tedious philosophy concerning a stubborn mule moving in the proper direction if there is a carrot dangling in front of it, but the offer of a special reward finally got the crowd as frantic as possible. In a moment, the crowd of carnival visitors had become a mob of volunteers, all of whom swarmed eagerly forward to finally throw someone to the lions. Hugo lunged forward to push Madame Lulu, but bumped into the box that the white-faced women were holding, and the three of them fell in a heap at the edge of the pit. The hook-handed man lunged forward to grab Violet and Klaus, but his hook caught in the cord of the reporter's microphone and became hopelessly entangled. Colette contorted her arms so as to grab Lulu's ankles, but grabbed Esmé Squalor's ankle by accident, and got her hands all twisted around one of Esmé's fashionable shoes. The woman with dyed hair decided she might give it a try, and leaned forward to push the elder Baudelaires, but they stepped to the side and the woman fell into her husband, who accidentally slapped the man with pimples on his chin, and the three carnival visitors began arguing loudly. Quite a few people who were standing nearby decided to get in on the argument, and gathered around to shout in each other's faces. Within moments of Count Olaf's announcement, the Baudelaires were in the middle of a furious mass of humanity, who were standing over the children, yelling and pushing and preying on themselves like monsters of the deep, while the lions roared furiously in the pit below.

But then the siblings heard another sound in the pit, a horrible crunching and ripping sound that was far worse than the roaring of beasts. The crowd stopped arguing to see what was making the noise, but the Baudelaires were not interested in seeing anything more, and stepped back from the terrible sound, and huddled against one another with their eyes shut as tightly as possible. Even in this position, however, the children could hear the terrible, terrible sounds from the pit, even over the laughter and cheers of the carnival visitors as they crowded together at the edge of the pit to see what was happening, and so the three youngsters turned away from the commotion, and, with their eyes still closed, slipped away in the confusion, stumbling through all of the cheering people until at last they were in the clear, a phrase which here means "far enough away from the roller coaster that they could no longer see or hear what was going on."

But the Baudelaire orphans, of course, could still imagine what was happening, as I can imagine it, even though I was not there that afternoon and have only read descriptions of what occurred down in the pit. The article in The Daily Punctilio says that it was Madame Lulu who fell first, but newspaper articles are often inaccurate, so it is impossible to say if this is actually true. Perhaps she did fall first, and the bald man fell after her, or perhaps Lulu managed to push the bald man in as she tried to escape his grasp, only to slip and join him in the pit just moments later. Or perhaps these two people were still struggling when the plank teetered one more time, and the lions reached both of them at the same time. It is likely that I will never know, just as I will probably never know the location of the fan belt, no matter how many times I return to Caligari Carnival to search for it. At first I thought that Madame Lulu dropped the strip of rubber on the ground near the pit, but I have searched the entire area with a shovel and a flashlight and found no sign of it, and none of the carnival visitors whose houses I have searched seem to have taken it home for a souvenir. Then I thought that perhaps the fan belt was thrown into the air during all the commotion, and perhaps landed up in the tracks of the roller coaster, but I have climbed over every inch without success. And there is, of course, the possibility that it has burned away, but lightning devices are generally made of a certain type of rubber that is difficult to burn, so that possibility seems remote. And so I must admit that I do not know for certain where the fan belt is, and, like knowing whether it was the bald man or Madame Lulu who fell first, that this may be information that will never come to me. But I can imagine that the small strip of rubber ended up in the same place as the woman who removed it from the lightning device and gave it to the Baudelaire orphans, only to snatch it back at the last minute, and in the same place as the associate of Olaf's who was so eager to get a special reward. If I close my eyes, as the Baudelaire orphans closed their eyes as they stumbled away from this unfortunate event, I can imagine that the fan belt, like the bald man and my former associate Olivia, fell into the pit that Olaf and his henchmen had dug, and ended up in the belly of the beast.