Gideon Defoe: The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists!

wouldn't have remembered where they had left the boat.

The Pirate Captain turned to give Darwin, FitzRoy and the rest of the pirates bobbing about in the dirigible a wave through the shattered bit of clock face to show them that everything was fine, and in the process almost tripped over the pirate with an accordion, who was sprawled across the floor.

'What's up with this swab?' asked the Pirate Captain, nudging him with the toe of his shiny pirate boot.

'He died of scurvy, sir,' said the pirate with a scarf.

'Aaaarrr. I hope that's proved a useful lesson to you. Ham is all well and good, but make sure you get your vitamins! Scurvy is no laughing matter,' said the Pirate Captain. 'Except in those rare instances when a fellow's head swells up like a gigantic lemon,' he added as an after­thought. 'Which I grant can bring a smile even to my salty old face.'

Thirteen

TO THE PIRATE COAST!

'... Seven ... eight... nine. Nine hams. Nine juicy hams.'

'The Pirate Captain made a note on his clipboard. 'Well, that's just about everything.' The pirates were back in Littlehampton Docks, and they had just finished loading up the pirate boat with fresh supplies of meat and grog. The only thing that remained to be wheeled on board was the pirate with an accordion, who the other pirates had decided to have stuffed and nickel-plated, because they thought it was what he would have wanted, and besides which the pirate boat could never have too many lucky mascots. Jennifer, who the Pirate Captain had made an honorary pirate, reckoned it was a bit on the creepy side, but pirates were a supersti­tious bunch. 32

Darwin, Erasmus and Mister Bobo had come down to wave them off. Darwin was almost unrecognisable from the callow youth the Pirate Captain had first met on this adventure - he had started to grow a little beard, his clothes were of the best Savile Row cut, and he had his arms round two vivacious-looking brunettes.

'Good luck then, Charles. I hope all the science goes well,' said the Pirate Captain, shak­ing him warmly by the hand.

'I think I'm really getting the hang of it,' said Darwin eagerly. 'I've got a lot more ideas to keep the audience on their toes. I'm going to fit a soundproofed box in the corner of my lecture theatres where I'll invite scientists too fright­ened to hear the shocking conclusion to my nightmarish theories to sit out the rest of the talk. And I'm offering life insurance policies to everybody in case my terrifying ideas scare them to death. I'm trying to work out a way to make all the seats vibrate. I'm calling it "Evolvovision".

Me and Mister Bobo are going to be the smash-hit of Victorian science - and I owe it all to you and your pirates, Pirate Captain!'

'Aaarrrr! Don't mention it! It's been a pleasure,' said the Pirate Captain. 'I have to say, when I first saw you, I thought - there's a man whose face isn't really big enough for the size of his head. But you've proved me wrong. Oh, and by the way...'

The Pirate Captain paused.

'Indian, North Pacific, South Pacific, Antarc­tic, Arctic, North Atlantic, South Atlantic. I'm not a complete idiot, you know'

The pirate boat slowly pulled out of the shabby dock, and all the pirates waved the steadily shrink­ing trio goodbye. The Pirate Captain smiled. There were good bits about the land, he reflected, like the shops and the way it didn't wobble about all the time, but he'd missed the ocean. The Pirate Captain actually became quite lost in his thoughts about how much he liked the crashing waves and seaweed and being a pirate and that, until an indignant cough jolted him back to the moment. 'And what do you propose to do with me?'

said the Bishop of Oxford, who had been lashed to the boat's mast.

'We'll find an uninhabited island someplace,' said the Pirate Captain, 'and then we'll maroon you. It's the pirate way.'

'I don't much like the sound of that.'

'Oh, it's not so bad. For some reason Pirate Law says you're allowed to take a few records. And the odd book. I think it's eight of each.'

'Can I take the Bible?'

'Oh, you get that anyway. And the complete works of Shakespeare. But the rest is up to you. Don't be clever and choose Robinson Crusoe - everybody does that.'

The Pirate Captain turned back to watch Littlehampton's amusement arcade fade into the distance.

'That went pretty well, don't you think, number two?' he said to the pirate with a scarf.

'Yes, Captain. Though maybe our next adven­ture should be a little less episodic? And not be so confusing at times?' said the pirate with a scarf, leaning on the boat's safety railings and enjoying the spray of the sea on his face.

'Aaargh. You're right. And towards the last half of this adventure, I don't know if you noticed, but we stopped having half as many feasts. That was a pity.'

And we didn't really end up with much treas­ure,' said the albino pirate sadly. 'Which is usually the best bit about our adventures.'

'Oh, I didn't come away completely empty-handed,' said the Pirate Captain with a grin. He rummaged about in the silky folds of his beard where, amongst the ribbons and the luxuriant hair, something shiny seemed to be lodged. The Captain eventually prised it free. He held up a large nugget of metal. It gleamed white in the evening sun, and the pirate with a scarf whistled in admiration.

'Ruthenium!' said the albino pirate.

'Aaargh. That it is. Atomic number forty-four. Most valuable metal in the world. 33Better than gold - and you know how highly I rate gold, so that's saying something.'

All the pirate crew cheered their Captain, and then they went downstairs to do some shantying.

And with that, the pirate boat sailed about for a bit.

Comprehension Exercise

Answer all questions to the best of your abilities

1. What do you think the themes of this book were? Several commentators have described the main theme as 'pirates'. Another theme might be said to be 'ham'. Would you agree?

2. Which do you think is more important to the Pirate Captain - ham, or his luxurious beard? If you had to choose which was more important to you, which one do you think you would pick?

3. On The Late Show, one of the critics, who has a face that looks like it's made of mallow, said to Germaine Greer, 'I wish there were more of Black Bellamy in The Pirates! In An Adventure With Scientists, he was the best character ever.' Would you agree with this assessment?

4- Apart from Brian Blessed, who do you think should play the Pirate Captain if they were ever to make a movie of this book?

5. Do you think the section in Chapter Five when the Pirate Captain forces several pirates to walk the plank is included to show that life at sea had a harsh edge to it? Or do you think the author has some other motives?

6. Choose the letter that best represents your feelings:

'Upon completion of The Pirates! In An Adven­ture With Scientists, I would describe my mood

as _.'

(A) angry (B) restless (C) excitable (D) sleepy (E) afraid

7. Scientifically speaking, who do you think the tallest pirate in the world is?